but most of this won't be pleasant or beautiful. For the first time, I am honest about everything I have denied and pushed aside. I am exposing my human nature and all the problems that tag along with my sometime masochistic mind. Physical flaws, character defects and weaknesses. Of course, I could bitch about myself all day, but there are things I am proud of, and slightly confident of. And those deserve to be mentioned as well, because with my low self-esteem, it is the positive I often forget. I am not expecting to create anything even remotely coherent. I will just babble, until I am tired and decide to retire for the night. My shit stinks. Although I am crude and bitchy to those I know, I go out of my way for strangers in need. I cover up my vices well, the same way I cover my acne with makeup. I have nice eyebrows and lips. I would tell you I'm a babe, but I'm not. My hair can be fun at times. I am still upset with my family, and they are the only people I can not forgive. But I worked two jobs this summer to help my sisters and mother pay their bills. I am socially retarded. In cyberworld, too. I do not understand how I have friends. What the fuck do you see in THIS? I am scared when people approach me hoping I will befriend them. And Hannah, I am terrified, not only because your boyfriend kind of forced this relationship upon us, but because I do not remember ever having a normal female to female relationship. My best friend and I never express any real emotions in person and we cling onto our friendship through the internet. Then there was Silka, who still has absolutely no idea who I am because she is a self-centered cunt. Genia didn't last long either because she simply had no personality, and just morphed into me. And you know how much I love me, but unfortunately we got tired of each other fast. I get bored fast, but learn even faster. Drawing, painting, jewelery-making, piano. Once so interesting to me, sound so dull now. Although I continue to write, I wish I didn't. I wish I wrote well and the subject was anything else but myself. I don't prioritize school and I should. I need to understand that it is not an option anymore. I want to succeed. I do not believe that education is the only way to become someone of importance, but my school marks remind me that I lack any drive, motivation and a strong will. Those are necessary. I am still waiting to pick myself up. I probably have an eating disorder, and I am seeking help. That is a start. I developed a minor addiction to snorting and swallowing codeine. I am done with that, too. Cigarettes and coffee are essential in order for me to function. I am dramatic but only privately. I exaggerate for public reaction. I enjoy putting outfits, accessories and shoes together and helping people doll up. I've been told I do swell job at it, too. And I love being told so. I like compliments but never know how to react to them. I probably perspire more than the average girl. I am in the worst physical shape ever. Somehow, it doesn't really show. I always lie about my age. I just turned eighteen. I could never explain the relationship I have with my boyfriend. How I feel is unknown even to me. I will never leave him, I know that. I can't tell if that is good. Also, he is lucky to have someone who is so grateful. And since I'll never leave him, I'll say I'm dedicated, too. My solutions are denial and procrastination. I have the biggest ego defender. A tiny little lawyer that lives inside me. You could of, it'll say. But I didn't! I do not know what I can accomplish because I never finish anything or challenge my potential. I have a wild imagination, and I am very creative and original, I will apply these qualities to do/make/create something wonderful. I appreciate life but I only believe in God when I need him. I wish I could make that leap of faith, but I continue trying to understand religion. I can not conclude anything properly.