I cannot imagine how I ever let it come to this. I hate myself: for all the times I made her cry. For all the times I made her feel terrible. For all the times I built her up and tore her down. For all the times I was oblivious to the pain I was causing anyone. I admit that I am a pathetic soul. I am selfish, and I am self-centered. I am oblivious to anyones pain that does not include me. I want others to care about me, and then fool myself that I am truly caring about them. I am a disgrace to anyone who has ever said they are someone elses best friend. I am not a friend. I am not a good person. I am a pathetic fraud. I love her. I love her more than anything, and even yet, I have not once tried to prove to her that my feelings are as I say. I expect but do not give.

I wish so badly to call her up and cry to her. To tell her that I love her, that I miss her, that Im a terrible person. But that would be cliche', right? That is how I work, is it not? I cry, I apologize and then I retreat back into my own little world that revolves all around me.

I have managed to completely push away the people that mean the most to me. I made her feel as though she could not tell me her feelings. When, deep down inside, thats all I ever wanted, but I was too selfish to admit or show my feelings.

I let my fears of being replaced, or forgotten completely consume my inner being, and enfrost my heart in an icy shell. I convinced myself that I am the one who had a right to be upset. That I was the one who was wronged. When really, I have been the assaulter, and I have been the wrong-doer. I hate myself for every second that I let slip by. I hate myself for everytime I didnt try. I hate myself. I hate myself, and I cant say it enough.

I would follow them into the dark.
I would give up any happiness I have with him, just to have it with them again.

I hate looking back on the past and thinking how perfect we use to be. How close we had become, and how far we had trudged through all those years. I hate to think that we've, no--I've thrown it all away.

I wish I could grasp my most fond memory and hold it tight to my heart. Cuddling up with it in a blanket, and hope to God that things change.

I cant just wait around.
For far too long I have just sat and waited for things to change. For them to make a move, and I cant allow that anymore. This is my fault, and I take the blame 100%. I love them more than I could ever really describe..

It's not fair that I slowed her down, and made he regret making such a big, and amazing desicion for her life. its not fair that I shut her out and disallowed talk of things that greatly make her happy. Its not fair that MY BEST FRIEND, the love of my life, was made to feel guilty for doing something that should have been one of the happiest descions in her life. Its not fair that I tore her down, made her sad, and expected her to love me over and over again.

If I have ever envied anything in this life it would be her personality. I envy her to the fullest extent.


Im sorry for the nights I let you down.