I havent written in here in so long. Where has the time even gone?

Im in the Library at SMCC right now waiting for Nicholas to get out of class. There is so much I want to fill in the blanks, and talk, and ooze all my love about. Things have gotten worse, and in ways things have come back around ten fold.

I got evicted from my apartment but in retrospect I hated it, and the thoughts of Chris were just too much negativity floating around one space for me or my roommate to handle. So, i guess that opened up a grand door for me to move back in with my mom for a bit. The drive is a bitch, and so isnt being away from nick but atleast im being taken care of until I can stand on my own two feet again.

As for the boy in my previous entry.. well who would've thunk it. Things have gone from good, to better, to the best its ever been. He is the first boy I have slept with who isnt my boyfriend, and Im happy that I still managed to keep him around for as long as I have. He's lucky number three. Things are getting stronger, and more intense. And each time we make love I can feel everything he wants to say pulse through him and onto (into) me. He is amazing, and wonderful. He gives me the biggest butterflies, and the brightest smiles. Im falling, and Im scared but Im trying to maintain my footing. He doesnt want a girlfriend right now, and I dont need a boyfriend. I need to live, and so doesnt he. But theres an unspoken part that hopes he realizes he wants to live out his crazy, and mysterious life with me. I think he may one day. But I try not to get my hopes up about anything. For now I am happy in the fact that he is the first boy to make me realize why no other boys I was with worked out. He makes me feel loved, and adored. More importantly, he makes me feel beautiful. If not important.

He has given me everything that Chris could not in the span of four months, and that is most definitely including great sex. I am so happy. I think one day I may just burst at the seams.

For now, Im remaining composed and calm about things. Sometimes I fall back into the "what if he finds another" or "what if he never makes me his girlfrend" but I just keep on telling myself Im young. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And Ive never had a problem with catching them in my net. He is special to me. And if things dont last in the end then atleast I have the special thought of this boy in my head who taught me that I can break the cycle. Not all boys that I date or sleep with are destined to be like my father. He taught me to love myself and that I can still love others even after such traumatic relationship and events. He has taught me so much about life, love, sex and relationships. And if anything, that is enough to keep a smile on my face.

Ive never told him about how my father abused me. Ive never told him about how Chris use to abuse me. But maybe one day..when Im ready..and when he is ready to hear it.

Oh, life is grand right now. Even though Im running on three hours of sleep, my classes have taken up all my day, and too many males are on my jock. I still have a reason to smile. His name is Jake.