Here I am,

Sitting here with my hair covered in Coconut oil and Soybean oil, and wrapped up in a flimsy plastic shower cap. I have this huge dishtowel wrapped around my neck to prevent the oil in my hair from dripping down and staining my shirt. I am going to be the biggest greaseball tomorrow but I will have to deal because my hair needs this. It's been up like this for almost three hours, already, and I still have about six or seven more to go. I am trying, any way I can, to repair my severely damaged hair. I think I almost had a heart attack yesterday afternoon when, after dying it back to a soft black (FINALLY), and brushing through my damp locks, my hair began to break off and fall into my lap in the most ridiculous amounts. Part of me wishes I had the guts to just shave it all off and start from scratch. I know my hair could use this, and I know that I probably needs it but, unfortunaley, I lack the self-confidence to make that type of decision. I also have worked way to hard to get my hair to the length it is currently at. I have already accepted that I will be trimming almost two inches of my ends tonight in order to prevent further splitting and, in the long run, thinning of my hair. So, I have decided to embark on weekly oil treatments so that I can restore my hair to a healthy point and, in the future, bring it back to its once bouncy, full existence.

It's safe to say that I've finally killed my hair. Growing up my mother never let me do a single thing to my hair involving chemicals. No dye jobs. No highlights. Nothing. Not even the home remedy of lemon-juice for subtle, natural highlights. So, needless to say, when I turned eighteen I got excited at the prospect of doing what I wanted to my hair, and experimenting. For a couple years, I didnt do much. I dyed my hair a blue-black as opposed to my natural Dark,Dark brown/Soft black, and it stayed that way for quite some time. Then, I got my own apartment at 19/20 and decided to dye it brownish/red. I used the "From Darker to lighter" box color from Garnier and it worked, primarily, on the roots but not on full head of hair, overall. It was more reflective red without being truly noticeable otherwise. So, the next day I repeated the same box color and it finally turned a nice red/brown that was vibrant, and I loved it. It stayed that way for quite some time and I do recall upkeeping it every couple of months or so but never too freqently. And then I remember getting tired of the plain red, and stupidly, decided to bleach section of my hair with my friend Cassie. It came out pretty cool, yellow and orange in some spots and I was satisfied for a month, I believe, until I made the spontaneous decision to bleach my bangs and more sections of hair. At that point my hair was orange and blonde. I believe I kept it this way for about a month or two before dying it right back to a medium brown with red undertones. My memory gets blurry after this but I know, not too long after this dye, and not too long after moving out of my apartment, I dyed my hair back to black. Black was the color it stayed out, and I maintained it (when my roots began growing in dark brown over a period of a month or two) by redying it black every couple of months. I kept up with this for probably two years. But naturally, being who I am, I get bored with my looks very easily and convince myself I need a change, or to switch things up and do something extravagent and new. This isnt always so bad because, over the years, by doing this I have found that I can pull off many different styles of hair as well as many different colors but...never really realized the amount of damage I was doing to my hair, and the effects it has over the years. I have never done any sort of hair treatments/therapies, or gone to a salon so these chemicals have just built up in my scalp and hair over years and years of use. YIKES. So, this year, a couple months ago I was really into the little mermaid red hair fad that was becoming popular. I have always loved the idea and thought that perhaps I could pull it off. I ended up bleaching my hair TWICE in ONE DAY because my hair is so dark that it was too stubborn to lighten. Even after the second bleaching not all of my hair was blonde but at that point I was too afraid my hair was going to fall out to care. I then, the same day, dyed my hair bright red. I was shocked at first but it looked great, and I fell in love with it over the next couple of days. This hair color lasted for...about a week, maybe two? I cant quite recall, but all I know is, it didnt last long. (I am a colorful person.) I love to wear bright colors, and patterns so having bright red hair was hard because it clashed with way too many things. I had to eliminate yellows from my warddrobe, pinks, reds, light purples, sometimes dark purples and sometimes light blues. It was way too hard to coordinate with, and it was also causing me to not wear some of my favoite items within my wardrobe. So, I stupidly thought that dying over it black would just elimate my problem. How wrong I was. The red hair color already bled a ridiculous amount, another reason I did not want to keep it for upkeep reasons, and by adding the black it still continued to bleed out and just took the black hair color with it. This left my hair blonde/pink from the left-over faded red streaks still stuck in my hair. I hated it at first. My hair turned colors for almost two weeks. It went from black. To a black/purple-to Brown/red-to Brown/Blonde/Red- to just plain Blonde/Pink/slight brown in areas. Weirdly, I got a lot of compliments on this color....After a while the blonde (which congregated in streak ontop of my hair and on my bangs-making the pink look like streaked highlights-and leaving the whole bottom of my hair an orange/brown/light red color) began to grow on me. So, of course this led me to make an even more idiotic decision. (Now, mind you, I am incredibly European. A mixture of Greek and Italian. So, having black hair and tan skin I always get the question "Oh my God. What is your ethnicity?") So I have just never imagined myself a blonde. I always thought it would be weird, and just not work with my European appearance. Growing up I was told by numberous people that they felt I would "also look great as a blonde" but I just never agreed with that, not taking into consideration my facial features and the like, and solely focusing on my ethnic appearance. So, when I found that I actually enjoyed the blonde framing my face and streaking all through-out my hair I decided to buy sun-in and spray it over the top of my head for more blonde highlights. Of course, I read the back of the bottle which clearly states, "Not recommended on chemically altered hair." But naturally, I didnt listen. I sprayed this on my hair every other day for weeks, to almost a month. I look back now and think, WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT? How could I ever think that was a good idea?

Well, overtime, my hair became more multi-colored then it had ever been. It looked really awesome admittedly and people seemed to love it. I dont think there was one day out of this whole month where someone didnt compliment on it, stare at it in awe, or ask me where I got it done. It was nice because it was a hair style/color that I knew for a fact no one else around had and that was a neat feeling but...overtime I started noticing how dead it really looked. It felt like straw. The ends were damaged and split. The blonde only made these problems MORE visible, especially when it came to my bangs. I had to cut them short just to chop off all the dead hair, but then the length made it harder for me to straighten them (which I shouldnt have even been doing in the first place.) The result was me spending hours frying my bangs, only to have them consistantly breaking off from their dry, brittle texture. I couldn't stand having my hair look visibly dead. So, to compensate I would straighten it every day because, although my straightener was frying and killing my hair, it was making it look smoother and less-dead to those who could see it. This too backfired and my hair was left feeling like...well, nothing like hair at all. Not even straw. Just...worse. Something completely unreal. I can't explain it.

So, I got my refund check yesterday and dyed it black, not learning still, and thinking that it would atleast cover up the look of brittleness. (I was also just dying to back to my oringal color because blonde, after awhile, was not much fun. It wasn't me, either.) Everytime I have dyed my hair, it ends up feeling incredibly smooth and voluminous the first day. I idiotically thought that this would be the outcome, but of course, by this point, my hair was so dead that it just fried it more. And that brings us to here: me, a hair full of oil, and a dish towel securely around my neck for the next 7 hours.

So, here is what I have learned:

Chemicals are no bueno for hair, and I need to chill out on the dye jobs

I also need to remember this for future reference when I begin to get bored and think I need to change it up because I always, and I mean ALWAYS end up wanting to go back to black hair...so that should tell me something

Also, I need to stop using as much heating/styling products as I do/when I do because its entirely unnecessary and, after living a month with a broken blowdryer and straightener and letting my hair naturally dry and do its own thing, I realized that my hair has a beautiful, natural curl that I always dismiss by straightening. I dont think Ive ever received more compliments on my hair then when I let it naturally dry and style on its own for that month. Granted, this isnt all about compliments but those compliments help put things into perspective.

Its time to start caring about/taking care of my hair

Lastly, I not only need to read the directions and suggestions on the back of every bottle but FOLLOW THEM too.

Im about to do homework so Im pretty sure this long-winded entry is just a way for me to procrastinate further and not have to write my essay, but, nonetheless, here it is. I should probably go be productive now.

0017.