Lately, I've been pondering a lot about the human condition. More specifically, I've been wondering a lot about my human condition. I've been thinking so much the past few days about who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. Sometimes, I think that I'm only still alive because I'm waiting for something to kill me. I'm waiting for some outside influence to do it so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die. Its just that all of my life its been left to something outside of myself to really change my life. I've also had the thought that perhaps I'm waiting on something out there to come into my life and spark something inside me and get me to become who it is that I'm going to be. Something will come and I will be taken away with it. Something will come and change my life. It would fix all of my problems. It would wake me up in the morning with the feeling that nothing would ever be the same again. I would get out of bed and I wouldn't feel groggy. I would walk outside and the sun would shine on my face and I would smile to acknowledge the new day. I would go to class and I would actually learn something. I would find true love by the time I ate lunch and I would be off to a whole new world by sunset. My friends would all incourage me and my newfound love would show me things I had never even dreamed before. Our love would grow strong with passion and the passing sun. I would laugh the hardest I have ever laughed at something and I wouldn't need any outside substances to enjoy myself. We would go out and no one would be angry. No would start a fight. No one would step over the line. No one would be affraid of anything. My father would tell me he was proud of me and I would tell my mother that I love her. I would finally show my sister that she matters to me. Everything would be so perfect. So serene. So surreal. But here I am. Waiting. I wish I could believe in God. I wish I could have faith. Then I could call this spark in my life God, I could prove to myself that the world was flat, and I could sleep better at night. I wouldn't wake in the night and wonder where I am. And I wouldn't fear the morning. "And I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay."