I complain to much. It seems whenever I get the chance to write about whatever it's always about me bitching and complaining. Wow 0.0

Wow. It's friday night and I have nothing to do. My friend got invited to this semi formal party...damn her. Fuck I never get invited to stuff like that. I probably won't go anyways if I was invited. She spent like hundred dallors on a dress and shoes. I'd rather buy...time. I guess anybody can buy time. Oh well. Yeah. I think I'll always be alone like I am right now. Alone. I'll grow old and be all ugly and alone. With no one to talk to. Oh well. Fuck it all. Fuck them all. I hope my friend's party goes bad. Like a fire starts or cops come or something. I don't mean harm on anyone though...I guess. Friday nights suck. Adult Swim isn't even on.

Wow. I am a bitch. YES. The world makes me out to be a bitch. Yeah one of my friends asked me for advice. Her boyfriend cheated on her and she was debating on staying with him. I told her to dump him and never look back. People don't learn, people don't change. He'll make the same mistakes over and over again. But then she was telling me that she cheated on him. So she forgave him and he forgave her. In the end they are still togother. Holy shit what is wrong with people these days? I swear everyone cheats. It's becoming way to common and I think people are starting to believe that it's okay.

The early birds gets the worm. Please don't call me gnome. Don't call me. Don't even think about me again. Friends come and go. Just because I decide to take a nap, go to sleep in the middle of a party or the day doesn't make me unhappy. I feel so bored. bored. I feel like my life is boring. I don't know maybe it's a good thing for now. I want to move. I want to move to Fairbanks. Anyways have to pick up my little sister from High school. God it's wonderful not to be in high school.

YEAH!! NEW year... I hate New Years Eve. I always need up spending it alone watching T.V instead of partying with all my friends. Oh well. I leave Alaska on Sunday. :( This year I'll try to be more satire like instead of just depressingly annoying.

FUCKING merry chirstmas.... I love Chirstmas. I love the shopping, traffic, and yes I love the food. Chirstmas is so big. Go to the holy decorated mall where hundreds are shopping and about to eat at the Wendy's on the first floor. Some kid is at home sneeking a peek at his presents with a butter knife. I sit home. Yesterday I colored my hair black. Everyday I eat out at Taco Bell or Mcdonalds. I am so happy. I think I am happy. Sometimes, like today, I wish I could live like a monk. Live up in the middle of no where, have no money, starve myself, and yeah I think life would be happy. Take away all my luxury. Except for my CD player and my cds...can't live without that.

count the moons and stars but please stop fighting wars with me...

Wow another boring day spent watching movies since I don't have a T.V only a laptop that plays DVDs. Holy shit I just watched Last Samurai and like it was bad. It was just awful. Well I kept falling asleep during the film so I guess all the good parts occurred while I was sleeping. It was just fucked up movie that didn't make any sense. I wish I had that movie Cruel Intentions that was a fucking cool movie. I also wished I had Fight Club. I guess its better then wanting to watch the Apprentice. I have never watched that show but everyone tells me it's sooooo gooood. whatever. I think people talk more about reality shows then politics. The thing is if I had a T.V with cable I would be watching MTV all day long. Fuck the news it is so depressing. The election thing is getting kind of ugly. It’s so sick to watch it kind of makes me not want to vote.

Is it me or is time passing slowly? I can't believe it's only the 8th. It feels like it should be November already. I hate time. It's supposed to be this consistent thing but it's not. I feel always like time is either fast or slow. Is the ticking of that clock right? Or is what I am feeling correct? Jon could tell the time of day without looking a clock. He would be a few minutes off but he'd have the correct hour. It's crazy. Whenever I was around him I'd forget clocks and ask him the time. This leads me to believe that my scene of reality must be off. Or someone has control over time and is screwing with me. That would a fucked up thing.

So my birthday turned out okay. I had to endure a lunch with my parens but afterwards I spent time alone at the bookstore. Nobody bought me anything for my birthday. Instead they just handed me MONEY, which is good. I bought a journal for my trip that starts NEXT WEEK!! I am leaving for Missouri on the 14th. I keep telling people I am coming back to Alaska before Chirstmas but no I don't think so. I am not coming back to Alaska intill I feel like it. So I might be back home in a year or like a couple of months. Its all about me. Fuck everyone else.

flies are everywhere in my home. I left a cup of coffee out for half an hour and there was a million dead bodies floating on the top. I looked in the mirror this morning and saw flies crawling on my reflection. These flies are really small and annoying. I had my dad pick up some fly killing shit. So hopefully tomorrow the flies will be done. I thought it was strange. Few days ago I was writing about the mortal of flies and now their all over my house. A sign from God? What could it mean?

Having dreams or goals is living dangerously. I took a sociology class and I learned that humans have stages. In about our late twenties we come to realize that our dreams and goals are unrealistic. All that time spent on trying to accomplish a dream is wasted. With no dreams life would become depressing. Individual once full of hopes and dreams will become an empty shell. When I read that people want to be authors or artists I laugh to myself. Art lives through the centuries and I guess it does make some people immortal. Only a hand full makes art that lasts. It might be worth the try but when they fail it's going to be a harsh awaking.

I want to change things around. Be the one looking down on everyone else for once. I want to have a nice car, a great job, a wonderful personality, a boyfriend and most importantly I just want to good looking. If I catch up with someone I want to high school with I just want to be like FUCK YEAH, I am better then you. All I want is revenge, is that so bad? I know that it’s really a vain desire. But damn it I just want hurt those who hurt me. I never told anyone this. Its a little embarrassing.

A lot of shit happened to me in the past two days. I accidental stepped on a grave in the middle of the woods. Sorry Sourdough Sally I didn't mean too. That was the name on the grave, Sourdough Sally or Sourdough Sal. I can't remember because I freaked out when I saw the R.I.P. I went to the Alaska State Fair! I wanted to ride the Bullet but some girl had thrown up on the ride! It was nasty. And funny. I also saw Hero, the movie. FUCK IT WAS GOOD. Better then Spiderman 2.

Holy shit. I decided to some search. A fly’s lifespan is two weeks! Worker bees live for one day. Worker ants live for half a day! It turns out that the average lifespan of a human in Classic Rome or Greek lived to be 28! Holy shit! So since I am 18, 19 in five days, I would be fucking old. I'd be like a grandmother. I'd have kids and shit already. I would like to die between the ages of 30 and 40. I think most people start having kids in their thirties. I hate to think that life is just the ticking of a clock or a calendar. I hate time. It's so stupid. ------------Rant------ I fucking love animals. Except HORSES. Damn worthless animals. I'd rather have a pet rat then a fucking horse. Horses are now worthless since the development of the car. Horses are to expensive and unpractical to keep has pets. Horses might be used for eatting though. I've been told horse meat is tasty, and popular in Europe! I like running though some trails and there is always horse shit every where. It's nasty. More nasty then dog shit. If you are the owner of a horse then you rich bitch or son of a bitch PICK UP AFTER YOUR FUCKING ANIMAL. ------End of Rant-----

I am dying all the time. I don't want to live to be eighty or even seventy. Hopefully I'll die young. I'd rather just die by some freak accident then just waiting around to die of old age. Someone told me today that flies live for a day. I'm not sure if it's really a fact. But damn living for one day would suck. Living seventy years is a fucking long time.

Another soul crashing day at home. Yesterday was worse though. Yesterday was heart breaking. I lied to someone. I flat out told her something of myself that was not at all the truth. I felt bad about it. I lied to cover up my failure, to make my imagine look better, but if she finds out that I lied then I will have none of her respect. It's really so easy to lie. I swear people will believe anything. When I was little I told a kid that my mom wasn't my mom but my nanny. And I told someone else that my uncle had a seizure and that I had to go home. They believed that shit. Hell I think I would believe that shit. People automatically trust. Everyone I meet puts faith in me. The faith I won't hurt them, that I won't lie to them. It's so wrong to lie. I feel so bad, because really I haven't lied like that in so long. I would like to come clean of it. I want to be forgiven, but I don't want her to know I lied. I am so fucked up. It's almost like I committed murder. I betrayed that lady's trust.

Wow. I am so fucking lazy. I haven't left the house in three days. So I decided to go on a walk today, and become one with nature. Nature SINKS. I decided to go through these trails through some woods. There was horse shit all over the place. Why does shit sinks so bad? Does it really have to smell that bad? I hate horses. They shit while their walking! They are like walking along, and all this shit comes out. It's hell to be like stuck behind a horse while it's crapping. I would know, it happened to me today! I am cursed. I went on a date with this guy I think it was almost two weeks ago. He hasn't called me. It was a bad date. But like he told me that he would call and we would go out again. I did call him, but he was in the middle of eatting dinner. So I didn't talk to him. I don't want to seem desperate. So I am not calling him again.

Today was like terrible. So like I go to the gym and I go walk my dogs and I swear like everyone is looking at me! Like staring at me. People in their cars, walking, working...its so obvious they are looking at me. So I ignore them or give them a dirty look. Okay yeah so I stare at a FEW people, but it just feels like everyone is watching me. I feel so ugly. It just one of those days that I wish was over. Fuck everyone. Fuck me. Just fuck it. The gym is the worst. I see the same people over and over at the gym. After like two months I feel like I should say hello when I see them. But it doesn't happen. We just ignore each other and carry on with our running. It's so uncomfortable. I was talking to my friend and he wants to move to Japan and like be a Japanese animator. WOW! I wish I had a dream. I wanted to be like a doctor for so long. Then a graphic designer. Then a writer. Then nothing. I don't really care what field I decide to be a SLAVE to. Except exotic dancing. I am not sure if I could handle guys LOOKing at me all the time. I hate myself. All these people around me are going after their goals and dreams. I feel like such a loser.

I didn't ask to be born. My parents, even if they planned to have a kid, didn't pick me. If anything I consider my birth a freak accident. My dad feeling guilty for bringing me to this world takes care of me. I don't remember ever playing with my parents. I remember them like making dinner, and telling me who was going to baby sit me. I remember in second grade we had this Super Star thing. Each week a different kid was the super star. They got to have this presentation on their family, and shit like that. The cool presentators got their dad or mom to come to class. My dad didn't come to my presentation has the super star. I found pictures of my family, and wrote out a poster all by myself. I knew my presentation was boring. I didn't feel like a super star. I felt like a burden. Years later, I still feel the same. I didn't like being a kid. I hate being a teenger. I just want to grow up. Get away from my dad. Rebuild. Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"Agnostic