if i knew how to take that counter thing off, i would! this site has surely dropped in popularity- online diaries are becoming a thing of the past, aren't they? they are archaic and unused. the new thing is the myspace, friendster, high5 sites. haha.

i don't understand this place. children dying of hunger, homeless babies, armless and legless parents- the result of warring nations what the fuck. no one reads this, but if you do- go to this website : http://www.jamesnachtwey.com/ look at the pictures. i don't get it. nothing is good enough. this planet is a mess. i thank god that i don't live in ethiopia, somalia, russia, el salvador or any country that ends in 'astan.' but what does it take to get people like me- who spend countless hours worrying about getting to work on time, finishing that term paper or trying to figure out how my iPod should work- to do something completely basic to the needs of the suffering around us? i wish i knew- no. i wish i had the heart to do what i should. to get rid of all these stupid luxuries and dedicate some thought towards helping those in need, here in the US and abroad. there is so much beauty to be seen.

i am impressed!!! can you not tell by all the exclamation points? so two months later- i planned and held a gala. a success! yay! it's weird because you know how you go to things and you see the person who gave a speech or whatever and you want to say hi and tell them they did well? I WAS THAT PERSON! very exciting. i met so many cool people, and sgt. coleman touched my boob. yeah. but it's over and i need to focus on my schooling, which i'm not. i'm just waiting for my plane ride to chicago then new york and then home! i lost my paycheck this week- there goes 729 i won't see... i'm just writing random things...my anniversary is on thursday- has it been two years already? you know- all my relationships are detailed to the right...starting with...my very first entry "she's a super bitch." that's about mike...haha. mike. what a character, i miss him sometimes- we have so much in common and he's something else. i need new glasses. my eyes are terrible! i have an awesome party to attend this week, with 10 irish kids- 5 protestant and 5 catholic...should be interesting. more later, i'm tired and maddix just ate my strawberry shortcake. hell. there sam, happy!?

i'm jazzed. summer came and went. i went to france and it was amazing. i didn't really enjoy being alone for the first couple weeks, but i've never been afraid of walking by myself. when i finally befriended some girls and guys in the group, it was fantastic. i miss it so much and i miss those kids. especially kevin. i see lo and sam, so kevin is the only one i haven't seen in a while! adrian's band is doing great. i'm so proud of him, he's happy. i can't wait to see him tonight, he's out recording. swing dancing days are back! i think i'll go next friday. life is fun, life is sweet. i think i'll start looking for apts in boston, no real reason, i just want to look.... FourBrothers is an amazing movie, i love films. If i had the patience and the imagination, i'd finish mine. i guess i'll go now. i work as an accountant now. pay is good. pay is great. but i still never have money. i think i'll win the lottery, then. later days!!

haven't been here in forever, but i like it. i'm going to update :) school is almost over, i'm not doing too well...i'm not doing too bad, either. i'm going to paris for summer session, to study abroad. i can't wait, i've already signed up for classes for the next 3 semesters. i got a new job with durek investments, pays nicely- or rather, it will once i start. what else what else...nothing really, i'm going to browse this thing and look for cute photos.

since the 17th... let's see on the 28th of Feb, we moved to our new place! it's a wonderfully spacious condo close to UCF. It's gorgeous and huge. Amanda has yet to move in, though, it's starting to worry us! This month has been pretty blah, i work close to 40 hours every week, sometimes more. Maddix is back with us and she's massive, full of energy! We've already trained her to piss and shit outside, or, if we're not home, we leave the sliding glass door open, and she knows to go out on the balcony. We should put paper down or something. I saw Robots, SuperSizeMe, and like nine other movies. The last couple of weeks have been hell. For starters kevin and kenny had to stay with us for a few days because their apt has rats. Kenny got us locked out of the apt and it cost $45 to get back in (He paid us $60, though, so he's good people)- but it was a pain getting pop a lock to come since i couldn't prove that i lived there! we've only been here less than a month, after all. on that very same day, i got a speeding ticket for $100- going 39 in a 30. wtf. i have to have the registration on my car changed, as well as my license changed to the new address. school is weird. not good, not bad, just tedious and time consuming. i got an awesome grade on my astronomy exam! 45/50!! very very very cool. i deserve it, after all. i want to go to france for study abroad, i'm not sure if i can afford it yet. i suck a whole lot. i could probably go over spring semester, though- i could afford it there! maybe i will. hell, i will.

oh my god oh my god oh my god ok, so a couple weeks ago, i had the bottom half of my hair dyed purple and the rest of it black- it was pretty cool! in different light, the purple was wither blue or purply....very awesome. UNfortunately, jordan didn't bleach my hair right and about half it fell out the first day or so...the rest is so stringy and elastically that when i comb it, it breaks...clumps of it..sucks!! my hair's curly, so when i just wash and go..the bottom gets SOOOO messed up and sooo knotted. i had to do it. i had to cut it. so i did. i got so mad i pulled a total kirsten dunst from interview with the vampire...where she hacks at her hair...i went at it! ...oh no! when i was done, i was like...oh god. oh GOOD god.... so now i have to straighten the top?...haha and see if it covers the bottom...:(

i really want to be kissed. i want to be made-out with. so much. spontaneously and passionately.

um...i should start going to my speech class.... i worked until 3 am last night! perfecting my powerpoint presentation, and i can't download the bleedin thing...i'm so upset- and then i went back to class but the entire class was just about over! so i decided to come back and tell my teacher of the situation, he wasn't there.. figures. i suppose the smart thing to do right now would be do brush up on some french work or fill in my notes from CGS, but no. i think my brain is shutting off. they say that by 12 or 13, the brain starts shutting off areas it doesn't need, areas it doesn't explore much. i think that mine didn't do that when i was 13 and so, it's doing it now. maybe i'm just lazy, yeah- you're probably right. actually, no, i'm not lazy, because i do the things i need to get done, and that i like doing- that's a plus, too- i just don't do what i don't want to. like work. or school. or homework. or...clean. also, i'm exceptionally bored this week, and last week. i find like i have nothing worth doing..oh sure, there are things that i should probably be doing, but i don't feel that they're important, in the slightest sense. sucks. oh well. today i have no work, i already skipped a class..i have french...i need to pack, i need to buy picture frames (but i can't.)...i need to clean, organize the house for the move- let's see, what else...i need to help amanda find a good decent-paying job! GO PATRIOTS.

damn, stupid myspace...taking up all my diary time...geez. well, at least i'm not as bad as kevin! bitch never writes in his diary! speaking of kevin, he made a killer tackle today, during our pre-superbowl blowout...i was amazing, as well. i threw like, a bajillion touchdowns~! and i faked a throw and ran into the endzone, that's a touchdown to you and me! anyway, i got my scholarship...and it's gone! we're moving next week so i need to save it for the move, plus i bought books, and paid back adrian's mom. so sad. sad. i don't know what to write...school is ok, i don't really care much about it lately, i let a lot of my school work slip by, and then i do it just before class...so i guess it gets done, but, until one of my inventions kicks off...it'll have to do. on the plus side, i'm going to ireland..i mean, england! yay. Melike-"Was it you that said that I was nicer when I was fat or was it Laruen?"....."Me-"It was Lauren."...Melike-"what a bitch." i'm keeping that up there...hahaha. oh GOD.

whoa, i haven't updated in so long! so El Salvador was nice- we got to stay in a hotel in San Miguel, me and adrian -and julius for a night. that place was fun..fun and fully air conditioned. Hanging out with my cousins is always fun, Adrian had a good time, i Hope so, anyway. School is back in and I'm not so sure if I'm liking this...i have no money to buy books -not until my scholarship money come in, at least. Also, unlike last semester,where i didn't NEED any books, this semester not only do i need the books, but each packet (cause they come like with a text book, the workbook and a cd for interactive learning or whatever) so they cost like $150!!! argh. not fun. not fun. Valerie is going to England in sept for study abroad for a year. I'm getting in on that! She told me that bright futures will cover it and all i pay for is my ticket and rooming, which is awesome since i'll have left over scholarship money, you know? oh, i'm so excited...maybe adrian can come with me and we'll live in England for a year. We're going to Virginia tomorrow to visit Dane at his college -Washington Lee or whatever. I can't wait, I love traveling, and this will be my first road trip with friends, you know? should be a LOT of fun. OK, so we got Maddix back from the hospital -parvo sux. She's fine though, and the apt complex says we can't have her until shes 6 months old!! crap. But on the good sidem this inspired Adrian and I to look for a house and we found a gorgeous one! it's a fourbedroomer with 2 bathrooms and a 3 car garage...it has a fire place and two huge livingrooms (i guess one is a family room) the rent is only 995. Split between 3 people is going to be so cool. loving life.loving you.

no WAY has it been a month since my last entry! jesus. well, tomorrow i'm going to El Salvador- the shuttle is picking us up at 3 30..AM. yeah. the suburban tragedy show was awesome, and adrian got a puppy for his birthday. unforetunately, after only having her for 3 days, we found out she had parvo! so she spent 3 days in the intensive care unit at the 24 hour emergency vet hospital..she's all better now, thank goodness. i'm going to miss her so much in el salvador. peace homies

sighness. lemme break it down for you. 7:30AM up, showered, dressed, let's go to EPCOT! 8:30 out the door and on the road..at some point we stop for hashbrowns at mcdonald's 10is..we arrive at the park-glee!! what to do first!we take pictures, play games, send virtual postcards, etc. it is a fun day! 11 adrian calls and informs that he will be unavailable because he has to have lunch with his french class. oui oui! we ride all the cool rides and TOTALLY take on the rolls of stressed-out fighter pilots while we try to land our X2 Fighter on that MissionSpace ride...or Mars Mission, whatever. We tour the different countries and enjoy norway and mexico. i am denied funnel cakes in america. 1pm we wait for adrian. our plane leaves in one hour 1 30 where is adrian! our plane leaves soon!!! 2something...parking in the airport is a bitch..where do we go to pick up our tickets?! (we have etickets) 2 40 we miss our flight. they hook us up with another flight...we have to wait for hours, but we get onboard and are whisked off to our destination.. 8 or 9pm...we've arrived in the wrong destination...what!? we're about 60 miles away from where we're supposed to be, they come to pick us up..it takes a couple hours. they arrive- it's around 11. this sucks. this sucks. this sucks. we finally get home. go to bed. sleep. sleep. sleep. great flight, eh? we flew in a beechcraft. if i stretched my arms out, i can touch BOTH sides of the plane. it's tiny and there were 19 people on it. a full plane. Laurel Hill is a small town where there is ONE restaurant and the town mascot is [trumpets, please] the Hobo. yes. a hobo. a homeless man with a bundle attached at the end of a stick, thrown over his shoulder. i'm not even kidding. it was great. we also saw a barn that a midget had built. it was tiny. there are no mcdonalds in the town. there is nothing. there are no neighbors. no one can hear you scream. heh heh. anyway, that day is fun. sunday, we fly back, on the way- we find that our flight has been cancelled. what else is new. sigh. so ok, they throw us on a flight to tampa and say a shuttle will pick us up and DRIVE us to orlando. at this, i laugh. thank goodness kevin happened to be in town for the buc's game. so he picks us up at the airport and jets us to the orl airport where adrian's car is. on the way, we deconstruct the story that plays out on the hit broadway show "wicked." it's fun. i'm glad to be home. i'm tired. i'm full (i ate so much!). but i'm so happy to be home. simpsons is on and it's time to go. got class tomorrow- 6:30 is when the alarm goes off. yippee. hope your weekend was as fun as mine. but less frustrating! g'ah. :) if i can figure it out, i'll stick some pictures up here...somehow

i'm going to disney world tomorrow. then i'm flying with adrian to panama city. yay for fun. i better do laundry.

you know what i want to watch- Gone with the Wind. That movie is so classic. I think I'll watch whatever happened to Baby Jane tonight. Busy day busy day, work at Edy's, then to AIM. I should do some cleaning or wash those towels...oh well. i wish i were home...kevin and i were hanging out at Wendy's last night and i really miss hanging out with everyone. c'est la vie, no? also, went pre-christmas shopping last night, so much lovely stuff to get...so little money. i think i'm going to work on my new year's resolution, i know it's early- but i'm quite the bored little lass today. maybe i'll paint. i can't wait for el salvador- the hot air, the smell of churros, wacky malls with skinny american singers tryin' to make it big...it truly is a wonderland.

today i'm going to make amends- i'm going to drudge up the past and scrub it out. the anniversary with adrian was a lot of fun- glad i got everything figured out. having grant up here was positively delightful and i can't wait until he moves up here. the search for a house is still underway and i know amanda is just dying to get out of the flat she shares with her brother and his girlfriend. i think i'm going to christen myself with a new screenname...as i've had my current one since 7th grade. yeah, it's time for a chizange. kevin and i are going out to look at houses and hit the fancy liberry in downtown o-town where the homeless blossom forth from uncrowded sidewalks and the weather is fair and sunny. later losers

i can't believe i gained upwards of 10 lbs...i'd like to do something about it- but i'm just so tired, too much work, too much stress. kevin's party is next weekend, maybe i'll feel less plump. the house is a mess, and i really need to do laundry, that god we're going home this weekend- mom moved into the new condo with julius..dad is living with serge. at least they're together. i should go over there and help clean up or something. it's so nice to have my parents living in the same town again. maybe someday they'll reconcile. i miss my family. i miss going on trips together and thanksgiving and christmas. i miss dinners and pranks and playing board games till 3 AM. i miss being whole. i would have never thought they'd divorce- it's so sad. those were the best couple years- on thames st..well, one year was good, the other sucked. i have a really bad headache. lately adrian has been making me feel weird. we joke like we're going to split- but there's a feeling, a sense, of truth to the joking. it's forboding. he's great and i like living here with him...but i won't lie- i do feel like there is something missing. i'm not sure what it is. i'd like to say it's a sort of warmth, familiarity, ...maybe i'm not in love with him. i do love him- this i know- but being in love is so obvious..i was in love with mike, i was in love with vince....am i in love with adrian?

I've been doing a lot of breathing lately. that's weird to read, isn't it. i'm not exactly sure what it is i'm trying to get across...oh yes, i know- i spend a lot of time focussing on breathing. stress. everything comes at once, everyday. no days off of work, no free time, no time to rest, even. oh sure, i sleep all the time, but it's more of a pass-out thing then a respite. the worst of it is i tend not to sleep at night anymore, i just can't fall asleep. i need a better diet. i like to sit around and read- haven't done in a while. i like to paint- i did last week a few times, then i ran out of paint. sometimes i feel like i can't feel my arms, and they just move on their own-independent from the rest of me. i guess the word is blank, and not so much where there is nothing- but blank as in, there's so much to do- it bottlenecks and ultimately, nothing gets done. kind of like when you wake up in the morning and you're running super late- you jump out of bed and thirty thousand things rush into your head, and knowing you should do some of them, you don'tknow which to do first, so you just stand there..or run in little circles, half doing some of them. we didn't have our midterm last week, so i suppose it's tonight. i didn't even buy the book for that class... it's raining outside and has been all day. my feet hurt, bye :]

Nik meet Nik- hi! wanna go to bennigan's? oh man, haha. anyway, i guess we've got a halloween shindig coming up- dress up or not? it's open to dunedinites only! i think that's pretty cool. i'm still working on my GLSEN paper and the paper for my Holocaust class- which by the way, i have the midterm for on monday! ugh. i'm still in my work unifom, it's sad. speaking of sad- yesterday adrian and i were watching TV, talking about that movie Orca and stuff, and i was making the whale noise (not that great) anyway, we're laughing and watching Bernie mac (love that show!) and all of a sudden, we're laughing and he twists his face, rolls his eyes into the back of his head, his arms snap back and his fingers twist and curl over- he starts howling- ... yeah- it probably sounds a lot funnier than what it was- he was just being goofy and making the whale noise but for me, oh man- the way he'd contorted his face and hands, he looked just like the boy that had a seizure in my western civ class right when he was having his seizure. instantly, my heart stopped beating and i felt fear and cold overwhelm me- he saw my expression and said "hey, what's wrong- what's wrong" i stammered, 'don't do that face, adrian- don't do that- don't make that noise adrian, ok?' then i just started to cry! weird, isn't it? i couldn't help it- i guess i was much more traumatized then i thought i'd be. or even thought i WAS! :(

i don't get a lot of days off so this is amazing! but i have to work my other job at 3...anyway, just thought i'd drop a few lines- let's see...pixies concert coming up- went to see suburban tragedy at the hard rock rock the vote show- nick looked so hot. that kid is tres cute. [clears throat] um..yeah. ok- frank has a girlfriend now, heather- i don't know her yet- i asked julius if he knew who she was, took him about 20 minutes to figure out who i was talking about...anyway, makes me miss elizabeth!! crazy girl, i think i'll call her later. kevin and i are struggling with school..balancing work and school is tough! i'm watching judge mathis...heehee. so school is getting rough, i'm liking it but i feel so tired. all the freaking time. i read NIGHT by elie wiesel...yeah, that book actually made my cry! it's sickening and makes me feel terrible. read night. read night. read night. i'm still not eating meat and you know, it's not half bad! i don't crave it or anything, but i seriously think it's making me eat more yogurt at work. damn. (these new Geico commercials are great!!!) what else, what else. adrian and i are going to el salvador in december!! i can't believe its so close already. dad is back from the philippines. i wrote a really long letter to oprah, i'm going to try to get my 'wish' to come true! yay!