i'm tired of surprises, feeling left out, macho crap, 'because,' shopping, walking. i love the skyline- i can't wait to go to boston, but i can see why so many people love this damn city. there's something that is constantly bleak about it, though. i'm sitting here, alone, in a basement right now. i shouldn't be alone, though. i feel like i shouldn't have come. there is nothing for me here- and what brief respite i have will be spent in boston- where i belong. i wish i could just go by myself. i know where to go, what to see, where to eat and what to take photos of. going with adrian would be nice, too. there's much i want to do, but can't because of present company. i'm interested in so much that other people just aren't. i suppose that's fine- it's their trip, too- why should i drag them to all the educational shit that i like? no reason. we'll just wander and ride the subway and stuff. boston is safe- safe and beautiful. may we'll go to harvard? maybe not- oh well. adrian bought me an awesome photo of the statue of liberty- it's an aerial shot, from the head down- it's pretty sweet looking. i feel like such a jerk for not wanting him to go out with joe and austin. i feel like it's not really my place to feel that way. i'm not his wife, why should i care? but the sad this is, that i do. and that's the reality of it. they're going to a strip club and that just bugs the hell out of me. why would i want my gorgeous boyfriend oggling some girl dancing around a poll, pushing bills down her g-string at the egging on of those two? i don't. and i feel like such a nag when i think about it- but i can't help it; and i also don't feel like i should apologize for my feelings. odd situation. either way, i just feel myself getting angry about it and it doesn't feel right. on the one hand, i understand the comradery regarding the whole thing- and i suppose it's sort of a figurative toast to adrian's dad- but it's disgusting. i don't encourage it, and truthfully, i'd rather adrian hang out with me here in the house- i feel like i haven't talked to him in days. i swear though, if he comes back drunk- it's over. THAT i will not stand for. ever.