Old Journal Entries 2/22/08 Before It's too Late "I hate me. I hate me ! I hate me !! I hate me !!!" "I'm at a point in my life where all I can do is hate myself. I wish I could kill myself and then return, morphed into a totally different person. This person would be smart, but cool, have a better since of style, a lot of friends, and definitely NOT quiet. I would come back to life as new me -the person I want to be. I want to be skinny, but attractive. I want new clothes, more friends, - or least some friends. People try to get close to me, but I block them out and I'm not sure why. I just want to sleep . . . sleep away all of the pain and discomfort that I'm feeling. I find myslef afraid to approach people . . . to talk to them. I think I know why too : It's because every time I want to talk to someone I second guess my self. I think 'What if they don't talk to me? Look at what I'm wearing' I stare at their clothes and wish I could dress like them. I feel a like a loser. I don't eat inside of the cafeteria because everyone is staring at me. I sit alone. All I can do is cry and hope that someday i'll change. Before high school ends. . .I want to enjoy high school. Sometimes i feel like I'm in a rush to grow up, but when I look at the older people around me, growing old frightens me. I feel as though I'm trapped in a box and I can't breathe. . .I'm stuck. I need help. Help ME ! Somebody. . .Before it's too late. " ** 3/30/08 "So things have not really changed much since the last time that I wrote to you. I'm currently working on my appearance. I compare the my pictures from 2007 - the beginning of the school year. and have noticed that I was slimmer then compared to my more recent photographs. That's good, because at least now I know that I'm not crazy and that I am gaining some weight. To me, gaining weight = a nightmare. I don't want to be this quiet, fat, and unattractive girl. Interestingly, I do find myself pretty attractive -so that's not one of my self esteem issues. Life is way too short for me to have to worry about about these insignificant things, but it is also too short for me to be unahppy with myself. Life I said before, hopefully things will change for the better. I have discovered something new about myself, not only do I love reading poetry, I enjoy writing it as well. I thought that I did not inherent that talent from my parents. Guess I thought wrong. I can draw, and I can write. I wonder what else I'll discover about myself. There is so much to learn in so little time. Also, there is so much that I could write but I have decided this journal is about MY life, who cares about the other bitches that I live with ? Not me, and I'm not wasting time MY time writing shit about them, because beleive me. . .nothing good come out of my mind or mouth. Did you know? I'm poor according to the government. Sometimes, I feel poor, but most of the time I don't. I thank God for what he has allowed me to have : shelter over my head, and food. Also, two brothers and a sister. Money doesn't mean much. It's just a sheet of green paper (now with added colors). I hate America, and I hate technology. Oh my God, I hate technology! It makes us so damn lazy. I mean, why the hell do they think Americans are so freaking obese? Well, first of all, we sit on out butts and play videogames and use the internet, iPods, Mp3's, dishwashers, etc. When I was little, my cousins and I were always outside (by choice). We would pretend that we were older...you know, mom and dad. Well, in this case, Ummi and Abi. We would go to eachothers appartments and play with our Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. I sort of collected them at one point. I had a pretend washing machine and dryer set, and also a little kitchen with makeshift food and everything. I would give anything to return to my innocent childhood. I miss being 7 years old. 'haha' my cousin and I used to talk about how old we had to be to get piercings. Now look at us, we'll be 16 years old later on this year. Life and time can not compete, they are both equal in speed - super fast. Things for us all are going to get worse in the future, just like in the following books: The Time Machine by H.G. Wells, the Last Book in the Universe, and Feed by M.T. Anderson. The future, I can only imagine how much more terrible it will become.

Monday 17 January 2011 1:40 pm Dear Diary, I'm not sure that I have so much as even pondered the idea of a new years resolution, until this very moment. So, having said that, I'd like to resolve to writing to you more often. I feel terrible for the negligance that I've shown you, and today I would like to begin anew. *** Recently, I have acquired an old treasure of mine hidden inside of a safe, -a journal. Yes, it is the actual journal that I began writing in during the primal years of my high school experience. & unfortunately, it has been shown the same treatment as you, neglect.

Saturday 26 June 2010 9:52 AM Dear Diary, It's like I continuously move from one place to the next, only to be once again disappointed. Somehow deep down inside my heart, I knew from the start that I would not be able to live with my mother. Over the past 10 years so much has changed about her, or perhaps I just never really knew the side of her that I know now. I was only 8 years old when she left, so I probably only met the caring and loving side of her. So out of maturity and common sense I have made the decision that after High School, I would not move from the state that I am currently living in, to move into her apartment in another state. At this time, I am visiting my mother in her 2-bedroom apartment in which she shares with a boyfriend/"husband" of 6 years and her 2 sons. Right now her boyfriend pays the rent, and she is a stay at home mother of two, currently attending an online college. EDIT My mother borrowed $100 of my graduation money, and I'm worried that she will not repay me. She seems to be unable to afford the price of living in the city, and yet because of her stubborn mentality, she refuses to make an effort to move away. Yet, she complains to me that she's tired of her boyfriend and wants to move into an apartment on her own. I refuse to believe anything she tells me now, because soon afterwards she tells me that they are (both) moving out of this apartment together. I think that my mother should take her own advice and grow up. She needs to realize that she cannot live this unmarried life and be successful. I think when people do not marry the trust factor in a relationship is not present. Therefore, she constantly suspicious of him even when he does not do anything suspicious. Also, she does not know how to drive because she claims she has a phobia of driving altogether. I conclude to say that she is so used to being dependent on others in order to help her in every situation in which she may need something, and she lacks the motivation to move on with her life.

Sunday 23 May 2010 3:25 am Written: 20 March 2010h Dear Diary, Wow it has been quite a while since the last time I have written to you. During that time, I have missed you terribly. I feel as though so much has happened in that short period, even though it seems like it has been forever. Never mind that now, because I am finally here with you. So instead of going through every endless detail of what exactly has happened or changed, I'll just get to the point. First of all, I am now a senior in HS! I Still attend the same school as last year, despite living in walking distance of the district school. (we moved in late April of 2009). I know that this year of my life is supposed to be a major milestone, and also one of the best years of my life. Or so society says. I just have to say that this year has not been the best nor the worst for me. I will admit that this year has been terrible so far. I'm stuck dealing with college, and it has been quite an annoyance rather than stressful

Sunday 23 May 2010 1:00 am Dear Diary, Can you believe it? I'm a Senior, and I'm graduating next month! You must be extremely excited for me. I'm not. I hate letting you down this way, my lack of enthusiasm must be killing you. They say you get "senioritis" around this time of year, but I haven't felt a single symptom of this peculiar inflammation of excitement. OK enough of my senseless rambling, I have some important information that I would like to share with you. *** Yesterday, I went on a field trip with my Marine Ecology class. In case you didn't know, I changed my courses last semester from having Creative Writing Fiction I to Marine Ecology. I love writing, and reading writings from other people, but my teacher decided he was going to design the class the way he wanted to. He took out all of the good stuff about Creative Writing class (there was no poetry, Journaling, or non-fictional story writing). It was ALL about fiction (to fuel his love for imaginary creatures I would imagine). So I had to leave that class fast! Marine Ecology is another one of my interests>>It's the study of animals and organisms in the ocean. I As you know, I'm an animal lover so this was the next best choice for me. Ironically, we ended up dissecting poor little sea creatures such as, Squid, Crayfish, fish, and (OK, not a sea creature) Worms. Gross. Anyway, my Marine Ecology class went on a field trip and traveled to the aquarium (long 2-1/2 hour drive there and back!!). After exploring and looking at the unique and amazing creatures, we drove to the beach and had lunch. I was too lazy to pack a lunch that morning, so I had a nice 2 oz. bag of SunChips to satisfy me while at the aquarium. The entire time while we unintentionally tanned and bronzed in the sun, I dug a deep whole in the sand. (I have a strange obsession with digging extremely deep holes on sandy beaches). It felt wonderful to be able to feel the cool breeze of wind travelling along with the roaring waves of the ocean. The sun shone so bright, and the sky was lightly cushioned with fluffy, shapeless marshmallows of precipitation. All I needed was a sleeping-bag, and everything would have been perfect. *** When we returned to school, I had to get permission (from my aunt) to take the 10 minute walk to my aunts house. I'm 17! When I got there I called the man that I unfortunately have to recognize as my father. I asked him to pick me up, and he hesitated to say 'yes,' but then he eventually gave in and showed up. When I got in the car, I asked him a question that has been bothering quite a bit lately. "Are you unable to afford to pay for me to take the SAT? or is it just that you don't feel like paying for it?" I asked. This started another one of his 'blow-up-in-your-face 'explanations.' He brought up everything that he had apparently been holding in for some time. He told me to shut up countless times as I tried to defend myself against his lies...(misunderstandings?) I would go into detail, but can I just say that he has completely lost his mind? He quotes that "I am the reason for his stress." And that he hopes he doesn't die because of it. His wife (who steals from me, lies, and does endless evil things to me, but easily covers it up) is hurt because I will not speak to her. ( OK so I speak when necessary or when she speaks to me). But that is not good enough because he wants me to treat her as though she is my mother (in other words he wants me to tell her all of my business, so that she can run back and tell him + the world). He knows as I have told him many times, that I want nothing to do with her. Now here's the crazy part, he claims that I'm putting myself at risk of going to hell because I don't love his wife. It's also a sin that I do not conversate with her about my daily life unless asked. Also, sarcasm (which helped me get through this conversation and remain sane) is a sin. He told me that I am very demanding when I ask for things (despite the fact that I DO NOT ask for anything other than like he said, information) from him and his wife. Just over 2 months ago, he was supportive of my decision to go to a four-year college, instead of doing the whole community college for 2 years first. But, he put it all on my to fill out all forms ( never mind the fact that I'm only 17, so he has to sign the majority of the forms and applications). He also said that I am an adult now, so iI have to handle all of this. Let me just say, that everything he told me last time was almost completely regurgitated backwards to me yesterday. Now that I'm trying to take care of myself by searching for jobs, and asking for him for only his signature, I am now I child who cannot care for herself because I can not afford to. The whole situation is crazy and confusing. Man I can't leave without telling you that he threatened to spit in my face, because I continued to talk. Do you know how I got through this insane "explanation"? I just agreed with everything last thing he said. Oh and you know it pissed him off. He was looking for a challenge (because he wins every argument, despite being wrong 90% of the time) and I did not challenge him at all. "uh-huh, yeah, that's true, I understand, yes, you're right." That's exactly what I did, and eventually he shut his damned mouth. But me being overly emotional at the same time, ended up crying. He loves it when women cry, it makes him feel empowered and as though he has won. I'm sure he didn't feel that way in this case, because I let him know that he didn't win, and that I'm only going to agree with him until its over. As for answering my question, no he can not afford it. I'm not ashamed, I'll let you know right now, that I don't care about the mistakes he made in life (like refusing to continue in the nursing field). Now he's poor, and can barely afford to provide for his large family of 7. Hey, it's time for me to move and start my own life. I refuse make his mistakes or live with him for another year. So my goal by the end of 2010, is to be able to provide for myself, so that I may be able to start living MY life.

30 September 2009 4:19 pm I can't believe that after almost a year, I am finally able to log on. I forgot my password, and I would never be able to log my thoughts on here again. But after countless failed attempts I have FINALLY made it. So let me update you on my life, and trust me a LOT of changes have taken place in such LITTLE time. Yes I still suffer from depression and a mild eating problem, but depression is something that really never goes away anyway.

4 Febuary 2009 5:38pm I have to write a memoir for english class ...and I just realized that um, there a many entries to choose from here. Well, maybe?

Saturday 10 January 2008 1:54pm I feel HORRIBLE. I HATE myself sooo much! I am grateful for everything that God has given me. Truly, I am. But if you see how I act or speak...you will see and hear negativity. I continue to remind myself of the fact that I wish I could end my life. I don't know how many times a day I say 'I hate me.' I cry at night for what seems like (no reason)... What the hell is going on? Why am I so down and depressed? I want to run away...but I don't want to grow up, or old. I feel like I want someone to love me-sweep me off of my feet and tell me that he'll always be there for me. Love me for me, and my body. When someone compliments me, I don't take it seriousl. I look in the mirror and I see all of these imperfections, blemishes, and I hate it. Why do I constantly do this to myself? Negative, thats what I am and will always be. This makes me cry, and hate myself even more. The other night, I was talking to my mother on the phone...I asked her this random question: 'If I were ever put in a vegetable state, would you still love me..and take care of me?' She replied ' Of course I would, and I'd still love you and talk to you the same way.' She started getting all emotional, and I could hear the sadness in her voice. She then added 'don't ever say that Kay'. I felt so bad. I just wanted to take my life right at that moment... Making my mother sad is one of the worse things that I could do. I Love her dearly. SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND. I constantly put her through this shit, telling her about my negative life without her..making her feel bad (maybe even depressed). I mean that's not the only time I asked her something like that, And I don't realize how much pain I may be putting her through..she has to hear how about MY negative life. But isn't her fault too? She is the one who left me here with these people. *** Last night, I spent the night at my cousin's house...we made Chocolate bar milkshakes, and I had to pretend to taste mine..I gave it away though. Well, My cousin--she's older than me by a few months... Anyway, she and I have lived with eachother-next door-across the street-to less than a mile away from eachother for our entire lives. She is SO good at hiding her feelings. I had no clue that she was concerned about her weight or anything. See, both of our families eat what they like and likewise close to being overweight, or already overweight (they eat what they want). She's going through some shit as well... She wants to lose weight and have the perfect body...She was never overweight just naturally 'skinny'. I was the one who looked at her and wished that I was as thin as she was. She has a sitdiary, I found it...and she wrote about how she felt. I was surprised. Recently, I started talking to her about my problems...not realizing that she had some problems of her own. She just seems so happy, and I needed someone to talk to...you know? I should have kept my negativity to myself...It's like a disease. Everyone has their own problems... I feel like I need to keep to myself, because I don't know what the other person is feeling or thinking. I may just be making everything worse. IDK. I wish I was a happier person, and that everyone was happy with themselves. **** Like I have said before, TOM has not returned YET. I'm scheduling a doctor's appointment soon. It has been 2 1/2 months. What's going on?

I'm going to the Cinema tomorrow. Probably going to see either The Serious Case of Benjamin Button or, The Secret Life of Bees(if that movie is still out...um not too sure). I am looking forward to Benjamin Button ^Hope it's a good one^_^!

Saturday 27 October 2008 2:43am Ok, the real reason as to why I have not been updating my diary as much as I used to is this: I have found a website where I can track my calories. I have become literally OBSESSED. I almost always have food on my mind. I can NOT eat anything without knowing the calorie and fat information of the object. Sometimes, I will have the desire to eat something...and then I'll end up chewing it up and spitting it into the trash. Another thing that has changed about me is-- My love for cooking. I used to hate it, and now, I am always baking things or finding new recipes on the computer(I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up). I don't ever eat any of it though, I just make it all for my family. I also refuse to eat out(fast food)..the only thing I'd ever eat is Subway and only the Subway Fresh Fit Meals. Recently, I lowered my calorie goal to 1,015..and I actually aim to stay below that. So far my calorie intake has been between 600-930. What happened was, a friend on the website invited me to lose weight with her by a certain date. She and I, and maybe 2 other people set our own goals(to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date). This was un-planned. I had just decided briefly to just maintain my weight..I guess things changed. I thought she was like me...just another girl keeping track of her weight. I recently found out that she has been binging and purging, and a lot lately...^Scary^ So a lot of quick changes are taking place and I'm stuck wondering w/ these two questions: ~What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Honestly, the whole calorie-tracking-thing started out as a way to help me lose weight. I dropped about 2 pant sizes. I don't have a scale at home so...I don't know how my weight has changed over the past week. I did weighed myself on Thanksgiving day, and that number was ten lbs lighter than 5 months before. Yeah so..I lost a lot of weight, who knows how much more I've lost since then. I don't think I have an eating disorder...but I know I'm at risk of developing one. What makes me stronger and really makes me want to contintue is my fear of obesity. Also, everyone in my family eats what they want, when they want. None of them are at Ideal weight(most of them are overweight). I know I'm not near obese, but I'd like to stay far away from it..therefore a little under average. I don't know where this is going to take me. I'm a bit scared b/c I don't know what and IF there is something wrong. **----------------------------------------** Today was an okay day. Tomorrow, I want to go to the movie theater...not really sure what movie I want to see yet. I'm thinking about a horror movie, I have never seen a horror movie in a theater before(I know, my life sucks). Well, there was that one movie...um The Ruins, and that was more of a suspense. I'm so happy to be on Winter break right now..I so needed a break. I have not been using this break wisely though. My goal was to get more sleep, and no, that has not happened yet. Anyway, I should go now. Until next time.

Sunday 21 December 2008 I havent been writing in here...... A lot of changes are taking place right now, and I am the one who is changing. I don't know what's happening to me, but I do know that whatever is happening to me is probably for the better? Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about... I am just typing because I need to. OK, Ive been tracking my caloric intake for a while now. Since--October. It's been interesting...I learned that whenever I lower my calorie intake I usually stick to it, or stay below it. That's the main reason I haven't writing...It's like whenever I get on the computer, it's always the first thing I do. I'm addicted to it, seriously. I have some 'friends' I know only from that website who are also tracking as well. Trying to lose 10lbs by Jan. Or Feb. I guess..I don't need to lose the weight, but honestly I don't care. I just want to see if I can do it, and how quickly. I may have to actually lose the weight in the future, you know? and then maybe I could use the same technique to lose it. I'm at risk of developing an eating disorder, I know. Who knows what the future holds.

Saturday 29 November 2008 5:18 pm I have just returned...from my grandmothers house. Just stopping by to say Hello dear diary. Hmm...maybe i'll finish this entry later.

Monday 17 November 2008 5:09pm I feel so weak...IDK what the hell is wrong with me>:( It's amazing what not getting 8-9 hours of sleep can do to you. I actually can not remember the last time I that I had that much rest. Hmm I'm so exhausted *** Estoy Muy, Muy Cansada Update on school: Nothing special really, um..I just made a Quilt Top Pillow in Apparel Development! I was so excited. I finished it over the weekend.. Oh, I can not wait to take it home. This is sooo exciting.lol I've never made anything before(..besides cookies?) haha Anyway it has purple squares, and the back has a magenta and purple design. It's nice. Has my name embroidered on the front too. yeah, yeah, yeah I'm going to try and sleep for five minutes. Gotta get up and finish my assignments. Life can be so tiring, you know.

Sunday 9 November 2008 2:53am This song must be new, Love Lockdown by Kanye West. I haven't heard of this song until now. I'm watching MTV Hits playlist at the moment...and now they're playing, 'If I Were A Boy' by Beyonce. Great song. Sometimes I wish I were a boy--though I enjoy being a girl and doing the girly things we do. I don't know, but it's like guys have it easy..and I'd like to experience that, even if it lasted only a day. * I've semi-working out lately. I jogged two days in a row, I have been walking that mile home from school everyday for almost 3 months, and doing excercises from Fit TV at least twice a week. I feel good knowing that I'm actually getting some type of exercise put into my schedule just about everyday of the week. I do not have a scale at the moment, so I'm not sure about exactly what my weight is. I know it's between 125-130--or maybe less. I'm currently at a healthy weight--that's all I really know, but I feel gross about myself often. I don't know what it is...but that's how I feel. You know what's annoying? well, when people are all like...you're so skinny. What is skinny? They only say it because they aren't as thin as you are, or maybe they just wish they had your body because that person is a little overweight. IDK maybe I'm wrong...those are my thoughts, and that's how I feel. Another annoying thing is the fact that some people believe you don't need to exercise unless you are trying to lose weight. What the hell is wrong with being fit, and in shape? What is wrong with people these days? ** Sometimes, I hate that I'm still here..breathing going through all of this shit everyday. On my report card, I got two 'C's and 2 'B's. Everytime I think about it, I feel like crying. Just locking myself in my room until these last two years are over. Somehow, maybe then I'd get acceptable grades. My father no longer cares about anything that has to do with me. There are some pros and cons with that. Pros: I don't have to hear his voice, and listen to him repeat himself over and over again about the same things. Cons: I need some sort of support...what about when I go to College? Who's going to give me advice on that matter? Whatever, I guess I do have people. I have my uncle..who lives close by, and I have my grandmother--who works with the scholarship programs or whatever. She can help me, can't she? ** I guess I'll just try not to think so much about it. I have 1-2 years to go. Just focus on the present. One step at a time.

Wednesday 5 November 2008 9:38pm Have you ever listened to that stupid "rap" "song" by Lil Wayne. It's VERY annyoing. I hate Lil Wayne. Damn...and the radio constantly plays his annoying voice. His songs are full of shit, just shit. He repeats himself constantly and the 'lyrics' make no sense what-so-ever. Let me stop criticizing him, I'm sure anyone who isn't blind when it comes to music...knows exactly what I'm talking about. ** Anyway, thats besides the point. There is this one song called 'A Milli'? I think. Well, someone on Youtube made a parody of that song called, Obama. Yeah, and I had that song stuck in my head all weekend. I was like, Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama, all day. It was funny, I love making people laugh:P ** I usually don't pay much attention to potiltics like elections and such. I guess it's time for a change, as many have been saying. Obama has made history and I'm alive to witness it. I guess that's important. I honestly don't give a shit. Just because he's African American doesn't mean he's going to be different from all of the other presidents. Honestly,(not trying bring any bad luck on him) I think something bad is going to happen to him...Just b/c he's black. I hope not. But--the way the government works...it's crazy. *** I'm starting to hate school. I'm not doing so well, and I'm sick of stupid teachers making stupid mistakes. I wish they were not human, and did not make mistakes. I mean seriously, I think my teacher did not fix my grade--you know after she gave me a couple of zeros for completing assignments. Dumbass. I was supposed to have a 'B' in her class. I have a 'C'!...a 'B' isn't even good enough. I felt like crying today. I think she finalized grades too...so a 'C'!! is going to be on my report card. I'm going to speak to her about this ASAP. I'm not happy at all. *** Daylight savings time is over. GOod. I like it when the sun is shining early in the morning. I feel as though I'm not sleep walking on the way to the bus stop. I'm going to shower now. Going to bed early tonight--another good thing about Daylight Savings Time being over. Goodnight:)

4 November 2008 2:28pm ...Damn, It's November already? just checked the date. It is. wow

Saturday 25 October 2008 1:19am Remember when I told you I stopped talking to my friend? Well...I didn't. I thought it was over--that I'd never speak to him again, well I was wrong. I guess I was lying to myself. Well, I ended it yesterday...and I felt pretty good about it. Now, I feel really bad and I kind of miss him. We have been talking since July...Right after I lost Pops, and we have become somewhat "close." Anyway, life goes on..and I'll eventually will get over losing a so-called friend. Such is life without a wife, and here I am without a man. My mother used to say that to me...even though she isn't single. Haha. This is what he told me-- Him (10/23/2008 1:35:39 PM):it was really nice talking to u, you were annoying and mean lol and funny, and i loved making u mad Him(10/23/2008 1:36:17 PM): i hope i did not say anything to upset or hurt you, take care and try not to change. ** Yeah, yeah, yeah... Omg I don't care what anyone says, Adamo Ruggiero is adorable! I don't care if he's gay, I'd marry him anyway. I don't watch Degrassi anymore.. When I was like 13, I watched the new episodes every friday night. As the years went by, the show has become lame. It seems to me that they're losing views or something, because the show is pretty much PG-13 now...soon to be rated R. It's stupid, but they need more people to watch the lame show, so they thrown in a few curse words..and sexual scenes. It doesn't make the show better. Anyway, t.o.m is here and I'm sleepy. I'm going to read , and then sleep; That is_if that is possible. The 'Twilight' series are very entertaining.

Wednesday 22 October 2008 4:20pm Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday dear Kiyah, Happy Birthday to ME!!!!! Sweet 16. October 21, 2008 I made it! For some reason I've always thought that I would die before reaching my sixteenth birthday. I'm here though, and It was a special day for me. I was sang happy birthday to in 1st period and I had to wear the birthday crown--I didn't though. (My teacher apparently keeps track of our birthdays) I felt like a little kindergardner:) All day yesterday, I was wished 'Happy Birthday' to...and I felt loved, as though people actually cared about me. I mean, people who don't even talk to me like that...knew it was my birthday. I was texted all day. I didn't do anything for the birthday. I don't really celebrate them...but I guess it was special because I'm 16. If I were like everyone else, I probably would have gotten 'fucked up'. I should have. I live in the rich suburbs and it's surprisingly very easy to get drugs. Oh well, that's how it is here. It's normal I suppose- *** I went to the mall to get some job applications...I'm definately not working at a fast food restaurant. I signed up for Claires' Icing and Pretzal Twister or whatever it's called. Hopefully I'll get accepted. I need Money.

Friday 17 October 2008 10:30pm Gaining and Gaining by the minute. I'm in love with fattening foods such as, Cheetos, Ice Cream..preferably vanilla with almonds, Doritos, pizza, and cakes/cookies of all varieties. *Sigh* I wish I could eat all of the calories in the world and not gain 1 pound. I wish sometimes..there was a certain food that was easy to put your hands on--that would make you lose the weight. Sorry for all of my wieght rambling...I'm going through a tough time in my life, and all I can think about is losing weight. I'm not anorexic. Yet. But I see it as impossible to give up my love of food anyway. That may be a good thing. ** School oh school, nothing to talk about really... I am slowly bringing my grades up as I said I would..and Everything is going ok..just ok. My world is spinning round and round, and all I can do is wish it would stop. I deleted Buddy off of chat...but here's the thing. He can still see when I am online. I said I'd stop talking to him a long time ago. The truth is...I really like him, I do. I love his personality..he makes me laugh. Sometimes I wonder if the person he seems to be is really him. I wonder if he's an expert on playing with women's emotions. Maybe. If so, he's pretty good at..because I can't help but talk to him. ** I submitted a poem at Poetry.com. About less than a week later, I get this letter about becoming a Semi-finalist...and getting my poem published into a book. I came to find that this was all a scam. They just want your money. SO..whatever you do, don't fall into this trick. They send that letter to any and everyone who enters a poem. Hm..that sucks. I did some quick research after recieving the letter. A little dissappointed, though I was surprised to recieve such a letter anyway. Yeah, so That Sucks.

15 October 2008 Thursday 2:50pm Wow last time I checked...I weighed 125lbs. I lost three. I feel as though I've gained those three pounds and more. I don't know...but I want to lose 10. Hmmm... I don't know what to do with myself. I'd like to run but I don't like jogging in public. People will stop and stare, I know they will. I won't look weird or whatever... I'm overly self-conscious, I guess. help me.