That first date with Ben turned in to a second date. About six weeks later, we made it exclusive. Yes, while I lived 2.5 hours away from him. I put myself into an exclusive long distance relationship. New York to North Carolina is a little different than Chapel Hill to Wilmington, but it was a big step for me. Also it was only for 6 weeks as opposed to 4 years, but whatever. Still a big step. Then I had an internship, and I fell in love with this quaint little daily newspaper. Praying for a job offer upon graduation. And before I knew it, I fell out of love with Sam. Surprisingly easier than expected. I guess seeing how incredible a boyfriend could be, I realized how awful Sam really was. And I'm weirdly happy saying that this time, it is over. For good. I have no weird bizarre hopes of connecting down the road or ever getting back together. We're going separate ways. And that's okay. Even if we lived in the same city, I don't want him anymore. I'd like to be friends I guess, but I can't explain that motivation. He just has too many issues to be romatically involved with. So here's my updated deal breakers list: (items 1-9 are previous relationships; 10-12 are the ones I've added now that my first and only serious relationship is over) Don't date anyone who does drugs. Period. Don't date someone you met at the Brewery...or any place with alcohol in the name. Don't date someone shorter than you. Don't date someone tries to feel you up on the first date. Don't date someone who paints thier nails, straightens thier hair, wears any make up, etc. Don't date a scene kid. Don't date someone who makes fun of you for liking the Used, yet looooves Alesana. (ridiculous) Don't date someone based on one redeemable quality (spefiically: don't date people just because thier journalists). Don't date someone who's okay with you hurting yourself -- smoking. Don't ever get seriously involved with someone whose parents are divorced. Don't date someone in the military--any WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. If they forget about your birthday, it's over. Period. So many of my relationship issues have vaporized. I feel like I'm in such a wonderful healthy relationship for the first time since high school. In an amazing turn of events, I'm going abroad in the Spring. I'll be moving from Carolina del Norte to beautiful, sunny Managua, Nicaragua. I'm so thankful to my incredible God. When I've really been such a failure at serving him, when praying has been a rare event for me, when I didn't trust him the way I should have, he's pulled one of those 'mysterious ways.' Here I was thinking that my life was over -- that things were bad -- when it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings I could ask for. Getting turned down for the campus job I wanted motivated me to look for an off campus internship and to study abroad. So instead of working a crappy campus job with crappy pay and probably about 40+ hours a week, I'm working in a professional newsroom, working 20 hours a week, gaining valuable connections, writing all kinds of things I've never written before, like editorials, music reviews, and I'm making graphics, I'm sleeping way more than I did last year, doing more of my homework, I have a better social life, I'm gaining more clips, and I'm studying abroad in the Fall. In fact, I absolutely couldn't be more grateful. Thank you God for blessing my life so much. Now, it's a little scary to say that yes, I am in love again. I don't know what will happen with us, and to be honest, I don't know what I want to happen to us. There's also a very strong chance that once I return from Nicaragua, he will be moving. He will be going to medical school. If I'm lucky, he'll stay in Chapel Hill. In all likelihood, he'll be moving to Greenville, two hours East. In even higher likelihood, he'll move accross the country for the next four years, going to Miami or Ohio or Virginia. So for now I'm just enjoying our relationship as it is, as there's a very big chance that this is the very last semester that we'll be living in the same city. So we haven't talked about it; we haven't had that conversation; I don't want to. But I've signed a contract. I've subletted my apartment. I'm leaving. Come February, I'll be living in the city with no street names. I don't want to do a long distance relationship again of any kind. I don't want to be tied down while trying to enjoy Nicaragua. At the same time, I don't want to lose something that feels so good right now. And I don't want to jinx it. And I know we've only been dating about 4 months. And I know I felt this at one point when I was with Sam, and now I know it was wrong. But I could actually see this going somewhere. For real. For now, I'll just enjoy being in love.

I broke up with Sam last night. I have a date tonight. I'm a terrible fucking person, trust me, I've wrestled with this in my head enough. It's not like I broke up wtih one for the other. It's not even like I planned to break up wtih him; I told him what I was mad about. His response was "All of the things you're mad about are completely legitimate. I just can't be the guy that you deserve right now. I just don't have it in me." I said, "Well, I think we need to take a break until you do have it in you." And I just had a conversation with someone I didn't want to have at all at all, and he didn't say what I wanted to hear (this is not romantically related at all.) And I walked all the way home and it was so hot and I found myself scratching myself desperately, and now my neck and my stoumach and arms and back are covered in red strips, and I don't know why I did it and I feel so disgusted for drinking a non-diet calorie filled soda and I don't look good in this top but I have nothing to wear because I've already brought so much of it home and all I can think about is how I could just scratch all these extra pounds off my stoumach. And I have to eat because he wants to take me out to dinner, but at least it's sushi. And he's so fucking tall and so fucking incredibly built it's obviously really important to him that I'm skinny too. But good Lord, why am I lying to myself? I'd probably eat worse if I stayed home by myself. And of course I haven't been to the gym since fucking exams started, and part of it is that I don't have time but I'm sure part of it is that I'm fucking lazy. But why am I worrying so much? He's not going to be interested. I'm not interesting when I'm not drinking, and he hasn't talked to me in person since we met — and I was drunk then. Yeah he's nice enough, he didn't try anything even though he walked me home and then he made plans to go out with me tonight despite the fact that he has to tutor someone as soon as the date is over, so at least he's not another jerk just trying to take me home. But why am I giving him this much credit? I shouldn't. I trust too easy. He's fucking 23. I don't know how things work in the grown up world. And why am I worrying so much? It doesn't fucking matter because he's not going to want a second date with a girl who's afraid to eat and shows up with giant scratch marks all over her neck and chest that she put there herself because she can't deal with stress like a normal person. And the fact that when he asked me out and I said yes I still had a boyfriend, who I've been dating for two years. Yeah, I knew it was going to end but that doesn't make it okay I think. I wanted him to just wait a week, but then it clicked that I don't have a week — I'm going home on Friday and he's staying here. And I get that home for me is still pretty close to college, but soon after that and I don't even know fucking when but I'll be moving for the summer to the beautiful North Carolina beaches where I won't be able to eat at all because all I'll see is my past mistake who's now married and a bunch of beautiful young college students in their bathing suits. And why would he want to do something distance with a nuerotic girl who'd rather harm herself and not eat than cry? I don't cry I can't cry. fuck. I hate first dates. Wish me luck.

Breaking up with you is going to be so much easier now that you've given me a reason to. I deserve someone who gives a shit. I want you to try harder. I want you to call. And when I want you to pick up the phone if we plan 24 hours in advance that I'll call you at a certain time. I want you to not blow me off to go get dinner with your buddies, who you see every single day. And then I don't want you to call me back at 11:30. If you leave at 6, you were not at dinner for 5.5 hours. I want you to listen, I want you to pretend to care. I want you to do nice, romantic things for me. I want effort. I want effort. It's not okay that I'm mad at your more than I'm in love with you. For the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I'm not sure if I do anymore. Fucking over it.

Met a new guy last night. He's a bit older. In theory and knowing my history that's probably bad, but maybe he'd be a bit more mature. And maybe a bit more grateful, considering he wouldn't just be another "I go to the college with the most women ever" asshole. Okay, so he's 23, was a senior my freshman year. Bad omen? yeah, but there have been lots of bad omens I've ignored. he's very obviously interested. And he walked me home last night, and didn't try anything. We facebook chatted a couple of times today; he's making it clear, he's interested. so then, it's probably a bad thing that I haven't mentioned to him the fact that I still have a boyfriend. But yeah I do, but I don't feel like I do. He's not a presence in my life anymore. We so rarely talk. He tries, I'm busy. I try, he's busy. But neither of us try nearly enough. He takes me for granted. He doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm making a greater sacrifice than him. so he's a bad boyfriend. In turn, it makes me want to be a bad girlfriend. we go down this cycle all the fucking time. He still hasn't gotten me a fucking birthday present. I called him today. Because I was in crisis. I think I had an ovarian cyst this morning. I've never been in that much pain my entire life. I wanted to die. I wanted to absolutely die. I couldn't walk. I was sweating. Literally my entire body was shaking. I could hardly breathe. And then the pain stopped, and I went to the doctor and they told me nothing and performed no tests (the pain went away, so hell, why would they? not like if it was a cyst I'd be prone to developing more in the future or anything. not like there could be seriously anything wrong with my reproductive system…) and I went home. It was a good 5-6 hours of crisis like I've never dealt with it before. and I called him, desperate for someone to tell me what to do, desperate for someone to tell me "just call the fucking doctor" or even better "I'll be right over," but of course that's just a pipe dream for someone who's distance. My dad told me he'd be right over. That he'd drive from work to my college just to drive me to a doctor. But Sam couldn't pick up the phone, so I laid in bed, screaming, for hours, alone. I called him at 10 a.m. He finally called me at 7:34 p.m. How could you even be with someone when you're literally afraid of dying and you just need some comfort and they take ten hours to get back to you? well, I went out. I went to Leo's, knowing full well that I'm attracted as hell to Leo. And so we sat on his roof and drank and I met Ben, and we clicked and talked for about 5-6 hours, I told him Scrubs is probably my favorite show and he asked me to marry him, and I sang (yes I effing sang. why'd I do that? singing is about as good an idea as table dancing), and he graduated in May and does work for the University doing medical research, and he drives a motorcycle and speaks Italian, and then he walked me home and gave me a hug. And he's contacted since; he's interested. Although admittedly, phsyically, Leo is a million times more my type. Ben is talllllll and so built but he's white. and I just don't like white guys? As a general guideline. Nor Jew-fros. Anyway, doesn't matter, now it's nearly 3 a.m. and I'm facebook chatting with Jeremy, who I've almost almost hooked up with at least five times, and who I haven't told I have a boyfriend either. And maybe it's because my boyfriend has become nothing more than a distant memory with a title that's not quite fitting, I can't help but think about other guys. so what now?

And I need you now, somehow And I need you now, somehow

Being cheated on? I'd trade this feeling for that one anyday. Odd that I went immediately to the thought of Flynn? Not really. Because that was the moment I most closely associated with feeling worthless. but this? this right now? This. Is. Worthless.

I really like that feeling when you feel like things aren't awkward anymore. Like when the girl who for a while wouldn't speak to me (and on some level I guess I deserved it) offered to do me a favor, and then we could hold a normal conversation and she complemented me on something. Tonight, a guy I used to be involved with walked me home. It wasn't awkward, we had good conversation, talked about things we couldn't used to talk about and hugged before he went back to his place. I like reconciliation. I like things being chill. Got me thinking: when Sam and I weren't together, we couldn't reconcile. We couldn't talk. at all. Every so often for those nine months, one of use would call the other and it would start out with small talk and then one of us would say something thing he'd start yelling or I'd start crying. Then in one of those talking-crying-yelling matches, it came out that we both really wanted each other back. Then all the yelling stopped, it was all good again. And then we talk, and we talk and we talk and we talk and we go on for hours and it's like we're best friends again. Then we're back together and lately to be honest we've kind of been having some problems. We went eight days without even trying to speak to each other; so then he called me one night and I just asked "Hey are we okay?" and it turned into this big thing. That's always the worst part of breaking up, isn't it? We have to lose a friend too, not just a boyfriend. Anyone out there in the SitDiary ever been in an open relationship? I'd just like to talk to someone out there about it. To be honest I don't really get how it would work. I've always been fiercely loyal and I can't figure out how that would work.

GOD i love Arab men. I met one last night :] he was an App sophomore, Palestinian. I asked what his heritage was, he said Arab. I said I know, what country. He seemed shocked that anyone one asked. "Palestinian, and I'm safe!" My type, yeah. Palestenian, Lebanon, Syrian, I can't explain it; I just dig it. I have always had this list of all the guys I want to date. I haven't dated any races besides white and Arab though. and I don't meet that many Arabs, but when I meet one in a social situation, I unintentionally always hone on that one. Yeah, it was just bar talk. Samir (anyone else laughing at the super irony in that this name is just a more Arab version of my boyfriend's name?) was short. Shorter than me. Fun, GREAT dancer. Except he could go lower than me. But that's probably becasue standing, he simply is lower than me. SO attractive though. on the realz. Transferred from WCU. Charlotte native. The girls and I went back to their apartment after the bar closed. Nothing happened, obviously. He was respectful. I didn't get his number. I haven't talked to him since. I did add him on facebook. but we haven't talked. Realisticly, we probably won't ever again. I like to push the limits. I like to not mention the fact that I have a boyfriend. I don't lie if I'm asked. But I don't volunteer it. And I like to flirt. I like to dance with guys. I like to feel wanted. I do it for the attention. I know exactly why I do; because I crave male attention. I like to feel pretty. i like to feel like I can get any boy I want. I am in no denial. I like attention. I am fiercely loyal. I have never, and will never, cheat. Sam knows I dance with other guys. Officially, he's allowd to dance with other girls; but he doesn't. Becauase he goes to West Point. He can't. He didn't even kiss anyone the entiire 9 months we were broken up. I think i wish I could say the same. Nothing good came out of the Aussie, for sure; or Nick. I guess Aaron wasn't so horrible. I guess I don't regret that. We're friends after all of it, even if it's a little embarassing when people find out we went out. Whatever. That was fine. And I guess I did get a decent friendship out of Tom. But no good came out of Andrew. Nothing but trauma came out of Andrew. I really, really wish that never, ever happened. So yes, I dance for the conquest, with hot, arab men. I keep my relationship off Facebook, and I don't tell the guys I flirt with. Nothing ever happens. But I push the limits. Ah well. I am in love. And I know I am in love. Sam is wonderful and I would never want to mess that up. I think we're doing it right this time. And, daresay (and I hope I'm not jinxing this), I could see it lasting for a while this time around. We've worked out so many of our issuess, and we aren't taking each other for granted anymore. But maybe I wouldn't need the male confirmation if I had a boyfriend who could go with me to the Klondike. At the Yearling Winter Weekend ball, he told me he didn't want to join me at a club. Because of the one girl he danced with while we were broken. It wasn't fun. He wouldn't have fun at a club, he informed me. So I put my hands on my waist, and then I hit my dougie. We were like, the only people dancing. I. Hate. West Point. For SO many reasons. He said going to a club with me would actually be pretty fun. He added, laughing, joking?, "but you're never allowed to dance with other guys anymore."

Wow, new low. i can't believe someone whom I respected so much could put me in a postiton like that. As bad a person you are, I hope that's how bad you feel. Because what you did is not fair to me. and it's not fair to Lauren. Or Miranda. And you know what? I'm not going to feel bad AT ALL wearing Lindsay's dress to Yearling Winter Weekend now. You put me in a completely unfair, high pressure situation And I don't feel bad being mad. You know what? we can play all we want that we were at a party, but the fact is, you're still the editor in chief. I'm still a sophomore. If you had asked me before about 7 p.m. today, I would have said yes. now you, Sarah, have just ruined the night for me, Lauren, Steven, and Miranda. I hope you're pleased with yourself. bitch.

It's amazing how when we let our guard down a bit, sometimes we see the best in people. Sam and I got back together. It's going really well so far, actually. We're not telling his parents this time around. We're not putting it on Facebook. And on that note, we're not listening to the complete bullshit from people who don't know what they're talking about. It's going well. I'm going to West Point a week from Friday for Yearling Winter Weekend. I get to dress up and meet the corps and the plebes will rate me and I'll meet all the other West Point girlfriends. & We get to wander around NYC & just enjoy each being with each other, which is time we honestly haven't really had since probably MLK weekend last year. It's so weird to think about that. But it works for us. I still flirt with other guys. I talked to Tariq a lot tonight. He's very very attractive. Arab. Just like Sam so obviously my type haha, but Tariq dresses better. Flirted a bit. Yeah. &Since most of the people at DTH don't know I'm taken again, it was probably seen as flirting. But he's so cute. That was the justification in my head. Let's just forget that nasty little mark on his record where he made out with Frier at the xmas party. But to be honest, tonight really was completely harmless. Also, let's not talk about the fact that I'm going out of my way to prevent Tom from finding out. Part of me, just selfishly, wants to know if he's really just as inept with women as he seems, or if there's a legitimate reason he stopped being interested in me. He brought me green tea at the office last night. Just cause. He wants to get together and cook this weekend. I think there's a difference in his behavior this semester and last. Just given our history, and given his recent behavior, it's reached the point that telling him about Sam is going to be awkward. Like "Hey, sorry, I know you said you wanted to date me in May, but you never did anything about it, so I found someone else in December. Your bad!" Like, given that we're still just friends, how does one even bring that up? I can't just subtely slip it into conversation because that's just as bitchy, given our history. And it's also good that it's not going on Facebook, because the options just get bitchier and bitchier. So I'm choosing not to mention it at all. But Tom appears to be interested in me, and I did make a psuedocomittment in May, but he never followed through on it. So I don't feel bad about getting back together with Sam. But considering it's been an entire semester where he has not just fucking gone for it, I'm choosing not to tell him. Maybe it'll never come up. BJ thinks it's a terrible idea. He knows our history. He thinks I'm not being fair to either Sam or Tom. He made me promise I'd never cheat on Sam. Of course I never would. I'm actually kind of appalled that he would even think I might. But Yww can't come soon enough. To be with him is something I need. Either to strengthen our relationship or to see if it's not as solid as I think it is. I hate letting myself seem vulnerable. And once I do, I can't stop it. But when I do, I make connections. Sometimes I see the good in people. Funny how that works.

yawn. 10:52. newsroom. having trouble writing shells. Quietly listening to the Millionaires, hoping no one can hear and judge me. Registration on my mind. Getting blamed for not getting "scoops", again, when in fact, DeConto did not scoop a thing. But whatever, I'm on page three tomorrow. Prebudget is just starting. trying to come up with a second-day angle on CVS, it's a lot on me. I didn't realize CHN had already gotten to it. 5 stories on budget. one is BOCC, so nothing will happen there. I'm slowly chipping the polish off my nails. 11:54. Newsroom. I don't have class til 12:30 pm tomorrow. that's nice. We have a slug called HoThoCo. I love our university's chancellor. Nothing deep tonight. This is my life.

It's been a while since I've written. But then, it's been a while since I've relaxed. I wish I had big news. But I don't. I'm still barely getting by. I'm still feeling incredibly lonely. I could explain why. But I don't want to. I don't want it documented. I'm learning there's a real danger in documentation. I'm learning there's a real threat in feelings. I. need. something. I don't meet people. I can't meet people. I don't go anywhere except the paper. I don't especially like anyone on the paper. I'm slowly losing my connection with the outside world, I feel like. I am a lot of things. But I am not "A huge bitch." I never had a chance to do well, to be your friend. And I certainly don't have "an ego problem." Life is so caddy. My life is so caddy. But the worst part is the hardest to talk about. Before a couple weeks ago, I hadn't prayed in ages. And I'm trying to get better about it since. But I'm not there yet. That terrible Paramore song never meant anything until now. I truly feel like i AM falling to pieces. At least in one way. It probably hit me the hardest at the Durham Bulls game. "I went through a hyper religious phase in high school," he said. "Yeah, I did too." I said. "I was the most religious person in the world from sixth grade to about my junior year." Steven turned back at me and looked me in the eye. He nodded slightly. I did the same. He shrugged. He turned around. I saw that glimmer of regret in his eye. He had to have seen it in mine. That longing for the feelings we both once had. The fulfillment we've lost. God's never let me down. Not really. But what I've tried to replace him with has. And It's the hardest thing to talk about. I've sinned up down sideways and diagonal since coming to college. I haven't done anything to repent. Sarah looked back at me after I said it. "Really?" she asked. She looked so surprised. "What happened?" i was the most uncomfortable I had ever been. Sarah's not religious. She wasn't judging me. She's my friend. But she was so surprised at the thought of me being a Christian. It was so hard. but I've tried it all at unc. and there's nothing for me here. I've been making an effort to go to AL. I miss it. I realized in that moment I don't have an excuse. Nothing happened. So I stuttered. and then said something to the effect of "I don't want to talk about it." So I guess this is a prayer, in a way. this is my "Picture Window" God, I need your help. I haven't talked to you, really, since high school because it's easier just to ignore you. Help me. Give me something. i feel at my lowest. I want you in my life. Here I am. I'm "Falling to pieces." "Do you know what hope is? Hope is a bastard." I didn't have anything tragic happen to me. But I feel like my little necklace. I'm hanging on a leather cord attached by a thread. I'm small. I'm insignificant. Make me feel more. Make me real. Make me do more. and I'm sorry. Amen.

I'm so sorry I didn't update budget tonight, I was busy filling your fucking paper. I'm sorry that I was literally either in class or doing DTH from 8 a.m. to midnight tonight without even one fucking break to eat, and I'm sorry that I relaxed for 10 minutes after writing two stories even though Christina had been out doing nothing for about 6 fucking hours. I'm sorry that after a literal 16 hour day, you send me email saying nothing but what I do wrong. I fucking hate you. This year is going to be long. long. long.

What is lonely, anyway? I miss Sam. I miss Sam so much. I miss what we had. But I don't like who he is now. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him all the time. About our first date seeing a war movie. About our first kiss, where he started out so bad. About our third date, where he started to get better. About prom, and the first time he told me he loved me. About a week before that, when I first realized I did. About Labor Day, the first time I'd seen him after two and a half months of being without him. About Thanksgiving, the first time I really met his family. About MLK day weekend. About Spring Break. About breaking up. About him ignoring me for months. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been lonely since that April day. But what is lonely? I've been dating. Hell, three days after we broke up I hooked up with a guy. There was Andrew. Then there was Carter. Then there was Nick. I went on a few dates with Jeremy, although that never went anywhere. Now he's exclusive with a high school junior (puke). I had a thing with Tom, and I really thought that was going somewhere, but now I'm fairly certain that might drift to the friend zone. I had a thing with Aaron, but now we're DEFINITELY friend zone. I have been dating. And no, I haven't found me a "boyfriend" since Sam. But I haven't met anyone who's made me feel like I felt when I started to date Sam. I miss butterflies. All these guys — and it's no small number — and I don't feel the excitement. The butterflies. The stoumach going in circles. &I dare you to forget those marks you left accross my neck on those nights when we were both caught at our best Will I ever feel that way again? I am lonely. Is it because I'm not with Sam? Because I was lonely the last few months we were together. Because it was so miserable. And he hasn't changed. And he's not going to. Hey lush, have fun It's the weekend I don't know that we can ever be normal friends again. it's hard to be friends with someone you once loved. The only person you've ever loved. I just feel like, we have been broken up so long. Shouldn't we be over it by now? Should I be over it by now? just forget me it's that simple just forget me it's that simple just forget me it's that simple just forget me it's that simple He hasn't been seeing anyone. I almost wonder if that would make it easier. He can't be constantly comparing every first date to ours. Every first kiss to ours. The thrill I get everytime a boy brushes my arm, holds my hand to ours.

I feel like dying. Is it really possible for two people to love each other, and want to be together more than anything, and it still be impossible, forever?

I saw Sam for the first time since we broke up. We went to the Royal Bean, where we always used to go. But we didn't order any coffee. We didn't ever even go inside. When it started pouring and pouring, we sat in a freezing hallway. I was so cold. But for the first time since two years ago, he didn't put his arm around me to warm me up. But what made it so hard is that he acknowledged it. "It's weird not to have my arm around you," he said. What? How are we supposed to be friends when you say things like that? I felt so raw. so vulnerable. So a few tears ran down my face. "I don't know what I expected out of seeing you again," I said. "I don't know what I want." he said. what? no, it doesn't work like that. You don't get to claim you still want to be best friends, then not make any attempt to speak to me for three months, then come home for a month and never call me, then when I push you into seeing me, tell me you don't know what you want. What do you think you deserve? The irony is this: I sent him an e-mail Wednesday, saying I was free Thursday but gone Friday through Sunday. He texted me thursday and said "how about 5 tomorrow?" I said, "Free TONIGHT. Out of town tomorrow." I did not realize that Sunday, he would go back to West Point. Until Thanksgiving. He said, "how about we meet near N.C. State around 6:30?" I said okay. I checked my e-mail. He had replied early that morning saying that he already had plans with an old friend from paintball thursday night, how about Friday. I didn't see it until after I had gotten the text. he cancelled on his friend to see me. This was all I ever wanted when we were together. This was the source of so much of my pain and tears. I never expected him to cancel on anyone. I just wanted to be treated like a priority. I wanted to feel like he wanted to see me. I wanted him to tell his mom that i was going to get maybe a quarter of his time home. And so we broke up. And he treated me like shit for three months. And then he says it was just "too hard" to talk to me. And then, he does what I always begged for. So after we left that night after a very awkward and forced hug, he sent me an e-mail saying "thanks for pushing me. I'm hurt and scared and I don't know what I want. But we'll figure it out." I can't work around his schedule. So I wrote, Thursday night, "we need to figure out a deadline for figuring out what we want, because I don't have until Thanksgiving." And he never responded. Just like him. Everything is telling me I can't do this anymore. Everything is telling me I shouldn't want him anymore. But I miss him so much it tears me apart. Part of me wants to tell him about Tom, just so he knows and realizes that he's not my only option. I want him to know that there's a nice, cute, funny guy who wants me to be his girlfriend, and if it wasn't for him, I would be. I am giving him a chance to prove himself. But I can't wait forever. "I love you" is all she heard I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever. Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam. You are the only guy I've ever loved. And I want you to be happy, with or without me. But I want me to be happy too. With or without you.

I am in the process of sending Sam an e-mail, because I started crying listening to Army of Me's album "Citizen." Irony is, I haven't listened to this album since about six months before I started dating Sam. &I've forgiven you It's all that I can do It seems you have no choice when you love someone The thing is though, he can forgive me. He can say he wants me back. We could get back together, and it would just end again, end the same way. I'm the one in a normal college. I'm the one meeting men. I'm the one dating, though nothing serious. I'm the one involving Tom, when he never asked for all this baggage I've hidden from him. &I want you to know You're whiter than snow

I hung out with Amanda, Melisa, and Gaby this week. Friends from high school. A lot has changed since last summer. Obviously. Subject turns to boys, as always. I have a problem with turning myself over to another person. I always have. I have a problem with commitment. I bought a UNC logo metal magnet after my acceptance. I put it on my car last week. It took me a year and a half to commit to being a Carolina student. I admitted this. Gaby says, "I don't have a commitment problem. I have the opposite of a commitment problem. Which, I guess, is also a commitment problem." She's so in love with the boy of the month, as usual. The girl hasn't been single in literally four years. And it's been five boys, by my count. We talked about Tom, my current boy of the month. We left things in a certain state before Summer. I don't know how it's going to go in a few days when the year starts. I was sure of things a little earlier, but now I've come to realize I'm not in a state where I want a relationship. A casual thing with him would be great, but right now I think that's all I could handle. My friends didn't understand the concept of me not wanting a boyfriend. "I don't like being in a relationship because there's so much pressure," I explained. "what pressure? like, the pressure of being faithful?" Gaby asked. Surprisingly, I never really had a problem with being faithful. I've never cheated, even in the worst of long distance relationships. "Not really, although that's a small part of it. There's so much pressure. To be a good girlfriend, to spend x amount of time together, to talk so much, to have some perfect relationship. People always ask, 'how are you and Tom doing,' and that's exactly what I hate. I loved what we had over the summer — we talked, a lot, and knew we both wanted each other, but if we were busy and couldn't talk for like 3 weeks, that was fine, no big deal. I hate being in a relationship because I'm not just Kelly any more, all of the sudden I'm 'somebody's girlfriend.'" They said it was not like that, becuase if you're with the right person you should want to do those things. But maybe that's satisfying for them. It's just not for me. The clock hit 11:11. I made a wish, the same wish I always do. Gaby says, "I always wish about boys...it's the one thing I can never control." Melisa and Amanda agreed. I said, "I always make wishes about my career." It highlighted the differences between us so much. But I don't want to be this person, at the same time. I don't want to be the girl who's married to her job, I don't want to be Miranda. But at the same time, I've never had a love that compares to reporting. Not even Sam, my "great love," or whatever it is. But the funny thing is, I know exactly why I don't want to be Tom's girlfriend. I realized it while we were talking. It was screaming in my head the entire time I was spouting out all that pressure crap. But I couldn't admit it until I was alone in my car driving home. I can't sort out my feelings toward Sam. And I can't be someone's girlfriend when I'm heartbroken. And I talked to Sam yesterday. And it was awkward and forced. And although this time I stayed calm and he never heard anything except normal Kelly, I cried on the other end. I hate it. What is it going to take to get over this? For starters, I can't talk about him, to anyone. I've never admitted it. Not to anyone. I only just admitted it to myself. I don't want to get involved with another person because I'm afraid. I don't want to get involved because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't know what to do.

I lied when I told myself I was over Sam. I lied. i lied. he didn't call me the entire time he was in NC. that was weeks. I never cried over Sam the whole time. I never cried when we broke up. And now it's like everything I shoved in a box is coming out and now I have to fucking deal wtih it. I couldnt handle it when he didnt call, so I sent him a message on facebook because I couldnt bring myself to say it to him, but here's the gist: "The hardest part of us breaking up for me wasn't losing you as a boyfriend. it was losing you as a friend. It obviously wasn't that way for you." I think I ended it with, "this is the meanest you've ever been to me." weeks pass. He's at Camp Buckner at West Point, so I know he couldn't have gotten the message. finally at some point he checks his email. I finally get a text: "I'm so sorry I never contacted you. My dad moved out. We were all kind of a mess." fuck. fuck. fuck. now I don't know what's wrong, what's right. I feel so hurt still. I wouldnt be so hurt maybe if he ever made an effort to speak to me, ONE TIME, since we broke up. but now I can't shove it away. I'm forced to address, to admit: Sam, first love, I'm not over you. I never stopped loving you. and I hate that. it's not fair. I don't want to feel this way toward someone who dropped me so fast. who made me feel so worthless. I can't stop crying for the first time since we broke up in march. I'm seeing tom this weekend. fuck. now you're in the field for 3 days. I missed your call the ONE time you call me. and now I have to see tom right after I've opened up this horrible pipe. this is not fair. i don't have meltdowns.

sometimes I feel empty. Constantly I feel like I'm not doing enough. I've come to the bitter realization that my life is not a Molly Ringwald movie. Confession: I love Sex and the City. The other night hanging out with Brooke and Kelly, I told Kelly "you're such a Samantha." so of course, we got into the discussion of who was who. I said "can I be Carrie? I want to be Carrie." Kelly said, "you're Miranda." I said, "no I'm not Miranda. Carrie's a journalist!" Kelly said, "you always say that she's not a REAL journalist." "Well I don't want to be Miranda, she's so lame!" "you're totally married to your job." She was right. I love the DTH. I am always growing. Always learning. I love taking on more responsibilty. I hang out in there when I don't have to, I go in on Saturdays, I just like chilling in the newsroom. That's how we should feel, right? We should love what we do? I love it. More than anything. I sacrificed my relationship with Sam for a relationship with this paper. But I could imagine my life without Sam. I couldn't imagine it without newspaper. that's the way it's supposed to be. I love reporting. I love scoops. I love breaking news. I love Summer staff. Do I love the fall staff? I'm losing myself. The world is so big and I'm so little. Last semester I felt so out of place. And I messed up. And I made a fool of myself. And I gave people a reason to talk about me behind my back. And I fucked up my reputation. I was responding to something. A need to feel special. A need to feel accepted. Good job, Kelly. I'm the specialist of 2013. That's a real fucking title. I don't especially like a lot of the people I'm working with. But that's normal? I'm just doing what I love...