Saturday 10 January 2008 1:54pm I feel HORRIBLE. I HATE myself sooo much! I am grateful for everything that God has given me. Truly, I am. But if you see how I act or speak...you will see and hear negativity. I continue to remind myself of the fact that I wish I could end my life. I don't know how many times a day I say 'I hate me.' I cry at night for what seems like (no reason)... What the hell is going on? Why am I so down and depressed? I want to run away...but I don't want to grow up, or old. I feel like I want someone to love me-sweep me off of my feet and tell me that he'll always be there for me. Love me for me, and my body. When someone compliments me, I don't take it seriousl. I look in the mirror and I see all of these imperfections, blemishes, and I hate it. Why do I constantly do this to myself? Negative, thats what I am and will always be. This makes me cry, and hate myself even more. The other night, I was talking to my mother on the phone...I asked her this random question: 'If I were ever put in a vegetable state, would you still love me..and take care of me?' She replied ' Of course I would, and I'd still love you and talk to you the same way.' She started getting all emotional, and I could hear the sadness in her voice. She then added 'don't ever say that Kay'. I felt so bad. I just wanted to take my life right at that moment... Making my mother sad is one of the worse things that I could do. I Love her dearly. SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND. I constantly put her through this shit, telling her about my negative life without her..making her feel bad (maybe even depressed). I mean that's not the only time I asked her something like that, And I don't realize how much pain I may be putting her through..she has to hear how about MY negative life. But isn't her fault too? She is the one who left me here with these people. *** Last night, I spent the night at my cousin's house...we made Chocolate bar milkshakes, and I had to pretend to taste mine..I gave it away though. Well, My cousin--she's older than me by a few months... Anyway, she and I have lived with eachother-next door-across the street-to less than a mile away from eachother for our entire lives. She is SO good at hiding her feelings. I had no clue that she was concerned about her weight or anything. See, both of our families eat what they like and likewise close to being overweight, or already overweight (they eat what they want). She's going through some shit as well... She wants to lose weight and have the perfect body...She was never overweight just naturally 'skinny'. I was the one who looked at her and wished that I was as thin as she was. She has a sitdiary, I found it...and she wrote about how she felt. I was surprised. Recently, I started talking to her about my problems...not realizing that she had some problems of her own. She just seems so happy, and I needed someone to talk to...you know? I should have kept my negativity to myself...It's like a disease. Everyone has their own problems... I feel like I need to keep to myself, because I don't know what the other person is feeling or thinking. I may just be making everything worse. IDK. I wish I was a happier person, and that everyone was happy with themselves. **** Like I have said before, TOM has not returned YET. I'm scheduling a doctor's appointment soon. It has been 2 1/2 months. What's going on?