when random thoughts of killing my self run through my head....i kno i'm not having one of those better days...i dont feel sad or angery.. why should i i'v had a great day...i had math tutor witch went well i did all my chores and i had a great gymnastics class..but lately things are starting to feel different....i'm not sure how but i cant think..thoughts dont run through my head as well anymore i dont feel i'm empty. my eyes burn in the sun and i think i'm allergic to more than what the doctor said...i'v been really tempted to cut myself lately..i dont kno why i never had a real reason i just kinda did.. it was a distraction to take emotional pain away and replace it with phisical pain...but i never had a strng reason...i dont feel when i do it, it just kinda happens.. it doesnt hert until my mom lifts up my shirt and starts to cry..it doesnt hurt until the therapy sessions where i'm aloud to say what i want and its ok to be angry and unhapy and sad...people talk to me tell me their sad stories..and most of the time i keep my stories to myself knowing that it will hurt me more to say than it will to not tell anyone... i dont feel true anger or loath..not really youve all seen me have some seriouse mood swings at school but i was never truly angry i was never truthful or honest about my own feelings... i kno you all dont want to hear it i dont like to talk about most stuff until its over and it doesnt hurt me anymore..my old cutting issues were a thing of the past and every one thought i was over it therefor its ok to talk about now...but it starts to tear my heart back open when the temptation of the knife slowly starts to haunt me again..when i want to end my own pain and suffering because more than i dont understand life and other people i dont understand myself and i always want to kno what others think of me cause maybe i dont kno what to think of myself.... maybe i miss the thought of crying infront of other people is ok..you all have never seen me cry..i hardly am ever on the edge of it...i feel like a lost child i kno there are people close to me and that love me but i am too lost in myself to kno or care.. i feel so selfabsorbed with all my inner loathing when the truth is staring me right in the face...i have a good life i have a loving family..wonderful freinds and all my music and art that take so much of my life and pain away.. i have a roof over my head and living isnt all that hard...but i still am numb... i'v never been truly angry..i'v always been hiding inside cause i'm afraid of being judged and more so cause i am afraid of my own anger afraid of the outcome afraid of there affect afraid to become what i am truly and honestly within myself....i'm afraid of the people who read this not of them but their judgement.. i'm afraid...