I've had a few crushes, I've "liked" very few people... How many boys have I honestly, truly, loved and wanted with all my heart and then some? One. I saw him tonight. We walked in to the restaurant 'cause my friend wanted garlic fingers, and there he was standing in line with a couple of his buddys [one of which was hot, for the record.] He turned around, smiled, and laughed at me like he always used to. For him to even acknowledge FINALLY that I still exist was enough to kill me. All he has to do is flash his adorable little grin and I fall in love over and over again. It was months ago, and I'm still not over it. I'll never be over it. Every time I see him, I wish more than anything for a second chance. The odds are defintely not in my favor. He could be my everything. I rarely put anyone's needs ahead of mine, but I would make him and whatever he wanted my top priority. I would NOT let this boy go again. I WOULD NOT even give him the chance to think about it. When he poked his head around the corner the second time to laugh I died a little inside. And that's why I can't stand him. I know him, really well. I know basically everything. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. This boy is perfect. We proceeded to not get anything, make it look like we went in there to see him and make ourselves look lame, haha. I was then fortunate enough to see his girlfriend at Tim Horton's. Anyway, about the rest of my day. Went to school, was pissy all day because I didn't have enough sleep. I fell asleep during second and was woken up by someone I cannot even fucking stand to look at. Goddamn. 3rd and fourth periods were hilarious though, like they always are, and that made me a little happier. I napped, woke up & then we went out. Now I'm home & bored. I am addicted to MySpace and I wanna die. I'm staying home tomorrow 'cause I can, and we have Friday off. Extra long weekend. I'm 90% sure I'm expirimenting with some new shit after prom on Saturday, wooooh. ♥ I'll likely pass out or die before the clock even strikes midnight. 'til next time...

Next week is prom, I think. I had a terrible headache today, and everyone was pissing me off. My dad picked me up and took me out to eat today after school, then I came home and had a nap. Right now I'm bored out of my mind, nothing much to say. I want the weekend to be here plzthx. :[ It's true, the more you have going on, the less you want to write in here. Saw someone from back then. To rekindle the past with all it's pain and awful memories [along with the good ones], or to let it wither away? A new start? A new chance to fix things up? ♥

Is it wrong that I notice everything wrong with me, and then I inspect you? I wish instead of recognizing my flaws and accepting them, you would point them out and make me feel awful. I wish you wouldn't build up my confidence. I wish you wouldn't offer a temporary sense of FALSE HOPE. Does beauty lie only in perfection? Being me isn't so bad. But just for one day, I'd like walk in your shoes. With you. I was wondering if just for today you would let me mean the world to you. I don't mind being used and abused the odd occasion. ahahah. I hate everyone. I think I'm bored. :]

Yesterday was an amazing day for me, followed only by an even more amazing night. Everything was the best;; right down to the food I ate all day. So overdue. First of all, Jan came home, so she was in school yesterday. She took the van. Skipped first period, got poutine. My absolute favorite. Went to 2nd, did easy work. Skipped 3rd, took double lunch. More good food. :] Stooped to "taking" a bracelet & a straw. Came into the school before 4th, and we were sitting on the bench. Next thing I know we're being told off. I started mouthing back, got slapped in the face. I was in shock, but it was hilaaarious. Spent 4th period in the office, being pissed off. Don't want to fight with her, but I will probably be fighting with whoever's starting the shit in the first place. Anyway... Came home, got ready, went out. Finally spent an awesome night with awesome people and had a genuinly good time. Went to a party, met some new people. Drove around and got waaasted♥, smoked a little mae-reh-wanna♥. Found out some good news, too. Good to me, anyway, and that's all that matters. I feel pretty good today. Not even hung over. Man, I was wrecked. ^_^;

I'm bitter, I'm discouraged, I'm empty, I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm depressive, I'm confused, I am happy. I am in a pretty good place right now. Already the end of February, time is flying. So much for accomplishing great things in the new year. I suppose there's still plenty of time for that though. It's become quite apparent that I have some of the greatest people in the entire world as my friends, and also some of the absolute worst. Fortunately, most nights they equal out or the good outweigh the bad. I'm sortof stuck right now in the place where mood swings take over and my emotions range from extremely happy to extremely depressive within a matter of minutes, but oddly enough, I'm not complaining. I'd much rather be stuck in this state then one of pure depression. Friday night I had one of the best times I've had in a while, and Saturday was alright. Hanging with my amazing people every weekend is what keeps me going, there's no doubt. That and the substance abuse I suppose. It'd be great if there wasn't so much pressure to be... what everyone else wants me to be. I just wish I wasn't so confused about my feelings toward certain individuals. While I'm certain I do not want to be in a relationship [especially with the person I'm thinking of] he's making it extremely hard for me not to fall. I can see the destruction of an amazing freindship just around the corner, but I'm going to avoid it at all costs. I'm still stuck in my first love, one that will never be rekindled and never exist for him again, and I hope it stays this way. As long as I love him more than I love any new guy, I am safe. I can deal with his heartbreak. ♥

Monday, Oct. 17- Ohgeez, Saturday night was absolutely insane. We had the most intense night ever, I was on more dope and had consumed more alcohol then I probably should have. Then again, Janelle had almost as much as I did & she can handle about half as much. I can't even explain it though, but something about that night makes me sick. Well, a lot of specific things from that night make me sick, but I can't explain what I'm feeling towards them right now. Basically I'm just planning to give everyone space--including myself--and see what happens. Anyway, I had a great weekend. Made a new friend or two, I guess... did some great stuff. It's so crazy not to have my purse now. :] On second thought, now that her & I have discussed that night, I'm not nearly as sickened by it. It actually made me feel slightly better knowing how she felt about it. Plus, today was quite the interesting school day. Everything's about to fall apart though, & I know it. Thursday, Oct. 20- An extra long weekend, just the way I like 'em. Stay home, watch movies, go online, and most importantly... watch Oprah. School's oddly going quite well. I'm not sure why I feel this way, being that I dislike basically everyone in it, but it's really not bad. It's like when you go out, start socializing on the weekends and all that, life during the week becomes easier as well. I talk to people now that I never would've even considered talking to before, and more often than not, I enjoy it quite a bit. Having no shame is rocksteady. I like people. Plus, speaking of the social life, it's going quite well, too. Trying to think of down moments regarding the social life and can't think any whatsoever--been nothing that made me feel bad, or took me off this high level. It's insane, I'm loving it. It's funny, reading back through what I wrote up there right now, and I can't even recall typing "I like people." Wow. Which brings me to my next point, I suppose, of lack of brain functioning. While you're a teen, your brain is not fully developed, and drugs and alcohol will permanently damage the possibility for further development. Oddly enough, I get a kick out of that, though I know I shouldn't. Suppose it's just one of the many things I take for granted. My memory is no longer NEARly as strong as it ever was, and my lack of caring... diminished. I care moreso for other people, but not nearly enough for myself. Speaking of which, gaining weight is not fun. I turn to food lately as something to solve my issues, though it doesn't. I don't even really understand why I do it, but I'm working my best to avoid it. Working not too bad. Last night we went into town, came back to O'Leary, smoked a couple joints and ate a ton of junkfood, I had the munchies hardcore. I think this is going to be a decent weekend. Ohyes, &might I add- I still like Darcy. If it came right down to it, I would probably be more than Darcy's friend, but have no intention whatsoever of pursueing something more, as it would just ruin everything. Then again, though he made me feel really unspecial last weekend, I'm still quite into Ryan as well--definitely can't even see us staying as friends though. I don't even know. Even a couple years ago, boys were so easy to avoid, now I can't avoid 'em at all &I hate it. Oh well. We'll see what happens over the weekend, I guess. Friday, October 21- MSN is killer boring right now. Being at my father's is indeed the boringest thing ever, or close enough. Probably gonna spend all night on the internet and/or the phone, while watching tv--how eventful. Today I went to the mall, got an awesome new Barbie purse since I [obviously] needed one. Walked around for a bit by myself, looking cool as ever. Went to a tanning bed for the first time. Or a tanning salon, rather--instead of the bed, I stood up. I hope to god we get to go out tomorrow night. ♥ Oh, and I got my Peta mail today, my KFC leaflets. I love 'em, totally going to pass them out soon. Which reminds me, that I tried veggie nuggets for the first time. Wooh.

Wednesday, October 12- 'tis the month of Halloween, that's wonderful. I'm hoping that this weekend coming is a helluva lot better than the last, and I expect it will be. I'm a horrible person. Brandon is hot. I'm reading the Catcher in the Rye, as well as Kurt Cobain's journal. I like that class quite a bit--now we're dealing with teen suicide. Thankgiving was as terrible as I expected, far too much family crammed into one place. Plus, they're just not at all fun to be around. Obviously, Jeremy was a no-show. I somehow doubt he changes anything. Mom picked me up at lunch yesterday to go shopping--ended up getting a bunch of wonderful things I didn't plan on getting. Teens tonight, as far as I know--followed by eating out. We're going to see Simple Plan in December. Heh. Thursday, Oct. 13- School was boring, after school was quite fun. Got picked up, went shopping/to the city. First of all, made cool with Darcy on the bus, he was even gonna come. Called Cody, met him, got alcohol, talked to a shitload of random people. Every store/mall we walked into/out of today I set off the alarm, so cute. :| Anyway, my body's starting to feel the physical signs of stress, or that's what I blame, anyway. First of all, I haven't had my period in months--my period which is always regular. Secondly, I've been eating a LOT to help soothe... everything. I dunno, I've just been overeating like crazy. I hope it's not something serious. This weekend as of now sounds wonderful, we'll see. :]]:]] Saturday, October 15- Janelle came on the bus & we drank on there on the way to school yesterday, it was quite funny. Made school a lot more fun, as well. I only wished I could've spoken to G-g-g-gunit. Last night was the most hilarious night of my life, without doubt. We took the van into town, had some fireball. Not a whole lot, because she actually ended up spilling a bunch of 'er all over the inside of the van & on my sweater. We went into the CD store, I got jumped by Amanda. The CD store guy is so hot. Ugh, we also saw.. a bunch of.. just ugh. Anyway, got a lot of stares & a lot of yelling by cars going by, we parked the van & walked around. Saw EVERYONE, really. Bought weed, rolled a joint, smoked 'er. Even did the first internet meet-up last night, finally. Without question, that was the best thing that's ever happened while it was just us two out. Fuuuck.

So much going on right now, I wouldn't even know where to begin in updating the diary. But I know one thing;; I am fucking serious this time. I've realized lately that my flaws don't mean as much to other people as they do to me. But I'm going to do it this time, everything... I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to improve, I'm going to fucking rock it. And I'm going to get exactly what I want. <3

I don't even know anymore. Everything and nothing all at once. I said when I could get everything back that I had then, I would be content. I've got most of it back and I've never been more bitter as I am now. It's entirely possible that it's because no matter how hard I fucking try I can't replace him, I can't feel the way he made me feel anymore. :( Take a good look at your life, And you'll see all the things you missed. Everything feels like it's coming together again, but it's not what I want anymore. Atleast this week is the last week of highschool for me, ever. Having a summer job is sweet too. I 100% garuntee that if I don't slow down I will be dead before summer ends.

Somedays I'll sit and think about how things would be different if I was soandso, looked like soandso, and had soandso's friends, did soandsos things. I often go as far as to create entire situations in my head and play them over and over. How my relationships would change, how everything would be easier if I looked different, if I was different, if I was more confident... it goes on. It's desperately creepy, but it gets me by. The thing is, 98% of the time I could have the situations I long for looking like I do, being who I am.. if I would allow it. It happens all the time. For instance, right now... there's this guy. I say I don't like him, I think I'm afraid of him. Actually I know I am, which is insane.. because he's a sweetheart. He's genuine, cute, cool, chill, and super nice to me. He would give me a chance, we've talked about it. We always talk about it, actually. He's even tried to initiate... physical contact, haha. It's just like.. I don't have the guts to go for it. In my dream world, everything is easy between us, and we move forward &get super close&all that. It could easily happen, but I CAN'T LET IT. &I don't get it. :( This has even happened before [with the love of my life] and I ruined that by not going for it. What if this guys the next big thing for me, and I ruin it too? Rawwr. I don't even really remember what happened since my last update. Did stuff, didn't do stuff. I slept, a lot.. and hung out with/saw a bunch of the old crew, which was cool. It's almost the weekend &I'm happy. Not going to school Friday, and there's no school Monday. I've established that minus the cool few that I LOVE, I really don't like sluts at all, infact I'm quite digusted by them. They fucking piss me off. The fact that everyone thinks I am one is horrendous. Funny though, so I let it slide. Since the start of the school year I have been called: Punk, prep, goth, hippie, slut, stoner, bitch, freak, etc... what is similar about those labels? I like that people think I'm crazy. Because I am. :] I'M STRAIGHT UP GANGSTER. I just excercised & it was lame. I need to get atleast half-assed in shape before the summer comes. Shit to do, man.

So why today was awesome, and why I can't wait to move off this island. : Didn't have to go to school. Woke up early, met up at the store and went to meet dad. Got to his house, it actually wasn't too bad. Stopped for Tim horton's coffee, which I alwwaaays hate, and for once is was really really good. The next exit we took I got a Rockstar energy drink, which they don't sell here, and it was awesome. Got dropped off at the mall, finally found the bathroom, the heart holding my thong together on the back broke and I was forced to go commando. Went to all the stores, found the beeest clothes for really cheap. Two skirts & probably 10 shirts, plus some flipflops. Saw soo many hotties at the mall. Friendly workers, too. And one store I was talking to the workers who were hot & had mohawks & they said I was cool, which was awesome, haha. "Why are all the cool freaks are from PEI?!" Got picked up, ate at Arby's... my favorite place, which they don't have here. Picked up can pop, which they don't have here. Got grape pop [in a plastic bottle] that they don't have here. Only my old fave. Drank Redbull, which they don't have here. I'm probably forgetting some things. And did I mention that drive actually wasn't that bad? It's alllways bad! I don't even get it. But pssh, I love it. :D Anyway, got home.. we went out drivin'. Stalked the important people. Saw a couple of my loves. Found out the pool is open 'til 10 so we must go next week for sure. &TOMORROW'S FRIDAY. gee. I don't know what to do with all these happy feelings. ^_^

Didn't go to school Thursday or Friday, & Friday night we went out. We decided to get stoned and see Scary Movie 4. I was disappointed by that, seriously. Saturday, is more important. Prom night. I took ecstacy for the first time, successfully. Obviously, since I'm not dead. When most people pop e, they do it rather spontaniously and recognize the risks. I, however, thought about it the entire day & night beforehand, figured I had about a 50% chance of survival, and came to terms with that. That scared me a little. The high was good. Better than from any other drug I've tried. I had fun. We didn't sleep at all Saturday night, we stayed in a crummy motel. I also got drunk beyond belief while on e, some crazy proud moments that night. The next day, I shouldn't have driven home, but I did. My eyes were still fucked like crazy, and I had just stopped drinking a couple hours before. Meh. Sunday I talked to.. someone.. who was once very special to me. I hope maybe we can be cool hangout buddies again. cheaah. I do awesome makeup. :]

k, so my stomache is burning again, like crazy. If it starts to hurt as much as it did Saturday I'll probably just throw myself over the capes or something. Feels good to have a body that is useless. My bad. There's no school Friday. I'm not particularly jazzed by the thought of prom Saturday, but hopefully it'll be alright. After prom, on the other hand..♥. So I'm in LOVE with a kid in grade 10, who I've never had a real conversation with. Physically, flawless. Tall, thin, black hair that falls perfectly over his face every day. Cute, lead singer of a band, into weed & booze. This kid is perfect. Fuck. I'm boredering on the line of crazy obsessive. It's not 100% pathetic, though, because I never plan on making anything of it. He's in grade 10, and he has a girlfriend, the list goes on. It's just so much fun to love from a distance, you see only the good. More fun. Cheaah.

I am in love with Get Rich or Die Trying.I am in love with 50 Cent. I will marry that man. I will scream that from the rooftops. :D so sad about the concert. Sooo sad. :( So, as my instincts told me, my mom was keeping family issues from me. My aunt stopped in after we left my grandmothers and started talking openly about the issues, which I assume she thought I knew about. I was in a different room, however, so I'm not sure my mom is aware now that I know. The thing is, I'm often one of the very few who can handle family shit with any sense of rationality. I have no idea why I'm outside the loop on this one. No idea. Friday we skipped school, did bad things, blahblah. Hung out with nosey. Saturday I was in [unexpected?] immense physical pain, so decided not to party & we came home. Got some serious hookups that night though. I am VERY happy about that. This weekend looks promising. I am pissed at nearly everyone. I am cold. Inside&out. ;;; I am not looking to be alone forever. I am looking for the perfect mate. Is that so much to ask? I mean, really. ;p This is what dreams are made of...

Immediately and almost instantaneously you realize... that it's the outside that counts.

I love Johnny Cash. And not because I watched Walk the Line [although that was pretty good], but because he was so amazing. I can't get enough. So last night I read through some of my old diary and realized that for about a month of my life everything was extreme highs and lows and nothing in between. It was one of the greatest and most significant time periods in my life thus far, and it upset me. It upset me because it's over, because of the way it ended, because I'm too bitter to ever let it happen again. With those people, at least. [I then proceeded to copy&save all the entries from that diary, as someday I hope they will mean a lot.] I don't think one day goes by I don't think about the past, and hate it completely;; but love it at the same time♥. I'm currently on the search for something new, something greater... I'm so glad summer's almost here. Today after school I napped, we went out, I got a cookie and searched for candy but found nothing good, which I will complain about until I damn well get some. Now I'm here. I hope my mom's okay. I need to go read...

I just had one of the greatest weekends in a long while. So overdue, so awesome. It's quite possible that I had a funner Saturday than everyone in the entire world, and I hope this weekend is a repeat. Tomorrow my dad is taking me out to eat after school. I feel accomplished, or complete, or something. ... What if everytime you tried to sing, your voice came out cracked&broken? What if everytime you tried to speak up, you couldn't be heard? What if everytime you gazed into your reflection, your eyes burned your soul? What if everytime you thought of who you'd become, self-hatred was inevitable? What if everytime you gave love, you recieved hate? What if everytime you tried to be a better person, you were thrown down on your ass? What if everytime someone got close to you, you wanted to run? What if everytime you ran, you tripped and stumbled? What if everytime you took a chance, you were disappointed? &what if everyday, all these questions and thoughts crushed and destroyed all your hope & ability to feel even the slightest joy or happiness? ... Where da white women at?!

It is 2:08 am and I am happy to report that I just finished my english essay [and realized I have no ink.] Now, I have only got an entire novel to read before I am half decently caught up. Obviously, I am not going to be tackling that tonight. It's a little tough, really, as English is the only class I have to pass this semester to graduate and I got stuck with the notorious english obsessed teacher, in what is known as the hardest course to take in the school. This does not work out so well, as I am the most slacking and lazy person of all time, quite possibly. Basically I stay up every night until it is so late that I get 2-3 hours of sleep for school and though I felt well rested today, I was in a rather pissy mood. Almost everyone that came near me today made me realize I am living in a world full of incompetent morons who are barely worth the space they take up. However, going driving after my nap again tonight so we could get candy and a cookie made me happy, and having the english report done is a huge relief, and I am in a good mood. ...♥ Yeah, it's like that. So what the HELL are you waiting for?

So basically the weather is complete and utter shit. It's been rainy and cold since last week, which didn't cease for my 5 day weekend. Not entirely jazzed. It was basically a hurricane today, and I had to take the school bus, which meant a long ass walk outside. So school wasn't a whole lot of fun, and I was certain I was going to pass out because I was so exhausted, I got all dizzy and whatnot. It wasn't such a horrible day, though. And when I got home, I had supper followed by one of the best naps I've had in a long time, it was great. Then we went out to eat, and now I'm here. Basically, I'm lazy. Someone asked me to go on cam, and I realized.. I have one of those!, so I got down and hooked it up. Basically no makeup, and my hair a mess because I don't brush it on school days; and I had FUN. I pity da fool who says cams aren't fun. It's not like I have nothing better to do, I just don't wanna do it. Infact, I'm still currently avoiding my 6 paragraph essay that's due tomorrow, which serious marks will be taken off for lateness. I'm also an entire novel behind. Someday, when I'm confused as to why I made it nowhere in life, I'll look back at this and realize... shit, that's it.

I can honestly say I have no idea what I want. I love to bottle up what I'm feeling. Cheaah. So today my Meet your Meat DVD came in the mail, and I was extremely happy. I was basically running on an hour and a half of sleep all day, so it was nice to have something waiting for me when I got home. I skipped out on my tanning, because I was too tired. I was insane today, it's a blur. I felt drunk. I HAD THE BEST COOKIE EVER TODAY. And after supper, I napped, and it was great. Basically all I've done the last two evenings was sit infront of the computer with my iPod, listening to the same songs over and over, because I'm in that obsessive state of mind. I wanna live for now. Not for the past, not for the future. For me, and a little for those who I know I couldn't live without. So easy to say;; but I don't know how to do it.