4:27 a.m. and all I really want is a cup of coffee--I feel sick--I'll make one when I'm done of the internet. I can't believe I have to go to school tomorrow. Only two days of it, though, 'til vacation starts. Christmas is so close. Thankfully, I'm ready for it, fully prepared. Actually ...I'm even a little excited. It sucks this year, though, 'cause mom & I have both decided I've changed far too much over the last year--it's just not the same. All I do now, is work on going out and having "fun". Thing is, I end up spending way too much time and effort on myself. I just don't care about anyone, I think that's the problem. Well, no one that cares back, anyway. The thing is, what portions of my life HAVEN'T I slaughtered in the last couple months? Damn near everything, as far as I can see. I've made the sweetest people hate me, and the creepy people like me. I've done more dumb things than thought humanly possible, and I don't mean slightly dumb either. I've done so many things I should regret, the majority of people wouldn't know how to deal with what I've done, yet I can't find myself caring. I can barely formulate a sentence anymore, so I suppose it's understandable that I don't care about anything. I believe I've lost some serious brain power. It's my fault. All of it is. Drugs are bad. I've been depressed, I've slummed around in self-pity, but I've also been the happiest I've ever been. Unfortunately, as soon as the happiness strikes, I mess up. I wish I had some self control. I wish I could make people see. Make them understand. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like this. MAYBE then I wouldn't wake up some days wondering why I did, wishing I didn't. I think I'm finally gaining some though. To be able to control myself, control this mess... it'll be hard; I can't do it myself. But maybe with the help of my friends, I'll conquer.. the world. Or at least myself. :) Merry Christmas&&happy holidays.