lol, i still cants think of titles fer this. and im screwin up this journal. i thought i lost it @_@ lol. ah well. ish here. if anythin looks off, i didnt mean to. lol. anyhow, meh last entry was titled "rainbow fingers and cross bows" i made a poem fer it. here it ish. ********************* bruised from the doors slammed drippling with blood from the broken promises revenge on the shattered mind pleading for one last breathe aiming at the heart that caused the pain rainbow fingers and cross bows cant find any way to pay them back this seems so right aiming again to find a peace of mind ice cold blood falling from the weapon of choice make them pay, make them regret that heart will never do this again rainbow fingers and crossbows down twice, and once again reach inside and grab thier heart out squeeze it tight till theres nothing left blood turns warm, and darker falling faster to the ground another shattered life rainbow fingers and crossbows killed the heart that caused you pain its not enough take revenge on another life another heart thats tormented your mind aim again, and once more watch the life fall from the breatheless body rainbow fingers and crossbows ****************************** and heres another: i feel like a zomby walking lifeless in this world it burns i feel nothing you hate me i love you insecure, broken on the floor you walk over me you crush my fingers with your feet the handle lays in my hand you sit there, watching watching as the blood hits the floor i feel nothing flames engolf the floor around me you walk away i mean nothing the careless move of your walk throws arrows into my, once alive, heart i feel nothing twisting my veins till the explode no ones watching me now still, i feel nothing ************************** ooh! i talked ta drew on the phone!! :D lol. he said im sooo quiet *^_^* lol. i dun mean ta be. ish jus, phones make me nervous. and plus, talkin ta someone ive never actually seen in person before....*shrugs* i dunno ^_^ he sounds cool thoug :p lol.

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose." "Nothing's perfect," sighed the fox. "My life is monotonous. I hunt chickens; people hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all men are just alike. So I'm rather bored. But if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I'll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don't eat bread. For me, wheat is no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I'll love the sound of the wind in the wheat..." --The Little Prince

jeez!!! its been forever since i've been on here!!! ahhhhhhh!!! i gots a new boy now :) hes amazing :) ♥ two weeks ago i lost 4 people. one of them one of my really good friends. its still killing me. all i keep saying is, i just wanted one more day. and i couldnt even have that. life keeps slipping away from me. and i cant get a hold of it. i dont know what to do anymore. -the fish

i dont understand... lemme tell you that story. me and jodan went to the park. and it was goin pretty well. (i should say, i do like him..) we decided afterwrds, that we wanted to watch a movie. so we rented.. some rob zombie movie. the devils rejects. anyhow, we were sitting there, and i was freezing my ass off. so he put a blanket on me. but i was still cold. so he put his arms around me. and it felt pretty nice.. and then after the movie, we were gonna watch another. we started to, but i had to be home 11:30 (my dads gone crazy, i swear) and he said i ahd already missed most of the begining (the cat kept clawin and bitin me o.o). so he took me home. hugged me goodbye. and then i didnt see him saterday. but then sunday, i did. and on my lunch break he asked me to go soemwhere with him, so i said ok. but the entire time he was bein a jerk to me. and i was like, "what the hell?!" so i started gettin pissed. but i didnt tell him. he said to me, "did that hurt?" and i was like, "yea" and he said "good". and i thought, oh thanks for breaking my heart so easily you dick. then after a bit more of that crap, he was all, "i thought if i was a jerk to you i could push you away and you would hate me. i didnt want to lead on with the other night." and i was like.. "...oh. its fine. other guys put their arms around me too whom feel nothing." cause tis true. after a lil bit, he took me back to work. and i was in a really bad mood by that point. and i talked to justin about. an he tried to help me.. but i dunno. anyhow the next day i didnt see jordan. and the next (tuesday) i did. and he knew i was pissed. i wouldnt look at him or anything. he texted me, "so do you like hate me now??" and i was all, "no. i told you. i could never hate you. i'm jus really mad." and hes all, "about what??" and i was all, "does the other night ring a bell?!" and he was all, "oh i didnt know it would hurt you so bad. i'm sorry in advance, even though it means nothing to you." and i was thinking, "sorry in advance?! advance is something you're apolozing for somethign you're going to do. not something you've done!" i dont remember how i repsonded. but then he said "ttyl :)" and i was all "bye." and then later on that night, we all went to san miguel. and he texted me that we needed to talk. and i was busy, so i said it had to wait. and he ended up texting me at the end of the night saying "goodnight." and i texted back saying we could talk the next say. and i saw him. and he said we needed talk. and he started talkin about it right there (at work) and i was like "wait, we should talk about this later, cause i dotn anyone else to over hear and get involved with something that doesnt involve them" and he said yea you're right. so i called him after work (i didnt get off til 9). and we talked. and it did make me feel a bit better. but.. i duno. he said alot is goin on his life. **shrug** but earlier taht day, he texted me with, "i cant control myself! i like you! and i'm scared." and some other stuff. and i thought.. "scared of what?" but i havnt asked yet. but i want to.. anyway, yesterday at work. he seemed to ignore me. but then i caught him in the hall. and he was all, "can i have a hug?" and hugged me like i hug him. like he was making fun of me. and i was all, "oh thanks make fun of me." and he jus laughed. and he looked at kim and was all, "she hates me" and i was like "wtf?!" but i didnt say anything. and he quickly ran off. **sigh** life sucks..

i'm lonely :( but.. only in the sense that... singleness sucks :(

yea so not much has happend.. but theres some wonderful rumors goin on about me at work :) (much grrrness) yea, so, i'm a lesbian. i made out with leah. but i'm marrying jordan and we have a kid on the way. yea, cause that all makes sense. and it really makes me made that someone would say that. especially the lesbian part. yea. cause life is gret. I FORKING EMO LOVE YOU!! ♥

I emo heart you! says: why do you like her? Stalker says: because she makes me smile, i like the way she looks at me , i like the fact i want to know more and more about her , i love her smile , i like the way her mind works , haha shes fun to be around , i have an overwhelming urge to protect her , i like how she makes me feel , i like knowing shes my first thought out of bed if i sleep , i like knowing shes my last thought , i like how shes in my dream Stalker says: s Stalker says: i love the way we can just laugh and hang out, i like how it feels with her hand in mine. when shes not in my arms i can still feel her in them hours later .. Stalker says: theres alot I emo heart you! says: aww, tahts cute.. Stalker says: but it sucks cuz i dont know how she feels or if she even feels what i feel to begin with.. Stalker says: yeah i know i just wish i could just hold someone i mean i dunno sometimes i think im only worth something if im with someone .. i dunno :/ and like all my emotions are confused and im beginning to think maybe i dont know what i really want Stalker says: sometimes i just wish i had someone to laugh and be around for no reason just that , and they were okay if i was okay and i was okay if they were.. like a team i guess .. i want someone to love and they love my love and love me for me even before my love ..to just share each other and not worry what the other would say or think just to be comfortable knowing they want to know the real you and they Stalker says: love the real you because its you and no other reason.. to just care and not want anything from it , to have someone to talk to about anything and be there heart and soul , when you talk to them they listen and when they talk you listen and just being there to be there lifting each other up just because you could never imagine the thought of them drowning in life and sorrow Stalker says: sometimes i think if i look up at the sky and pray someone whos the one might be looking too and thinking the same thing ..

yea.. everything sucks now.. but i finally stopped crying. i broke up with martin on wednesday. and he seemed fine with it.. he said he felt the same way. and he still loved me. like i still love him. i knew he would be the hardest to get over.. but i'm making it. slowly but surely. we both it would never make it. but i wish it could have. i know its for the better.. but.. i still need him. i guess i really dont *need* him cause i've made it without him before. its jus.. now its official. it doesnt jus feel like we're not together. we're really not. i dunno. i know i'll be ok.. but.. before we broke up and everything.. i liked these two guys.. you'll prolly notice me talk about 'em alot.. i'm goin to the movies with jordan on friday to see "saw 2". :D and i was gonna go see mike yesterday, but he said he was too tired or somethin. not much is new besides that.. bye

go here :) http://www.pmcmusic.com/DRCMusic.htm

well everything seems to be ok.. justin's better now.. i think. graveyards are fun. very fun. me, my sis, josh, and matt have been goin. the last time, matt and i clinged to eachother. it was hilarious. :D josh and matt are both very hyper and josh says alotta puns. its quite funny. they're night people. they hardly ever do anything during the day. lol. they're awesome. we took pics :D i have 'em on my myspace. http://myspace.com/master_of_the_pokers have a look :) yyuuuuppp :D martin's still comin in jan. woooo!!!

las night we all went to leah's house. it was jus me, aimee, leah, and justin for a while. and we watched monty python and the holy grail. i for one am not a fan of that movie. (i alost cried that time they through the animals in the air ;_;) anyway, we were havin a pretty good time. leah tried to help me fix my hair (i dyed it, it killed my hair so bad. i now hafta buy a bunch of hair repair stuff). then later, leah's boyfriend dom came over. dom and justin get into it alot. and last night was another one of those times. dom said something that set justin off. so he was all, "i'm gonna go home. can you (leah) get these two (me and aimee) home?" and leah said yea. justin went out to his car, got aimee's stuff and brought back inside. and went out the door. and leah tried to get aimee to go talk to him but she wouldnt. so i jumped up and ran out the door to get him. and i was all, "justin! are you ok??" and he was all, "i'm fine :|" looking straight ahead. and i was all "no you're not.. dont lie to me." and he just kept saying he was fine. and i was all, "well can i atealst get a hug? you gave leanne one earlier and didnt give me one." and he said, "you dont wanna hug me right now." and i was all "fine" and walked away. and he was all, "you know what? i'm not fine." and walked back up to me. and i turned around and walked to him. and he was sayin, "i did not spend so long in the marines sacraficing my life so some pussy-ass kid go saying shit like that. i did not lose my three cousins this past week for people like him. i almost died for this country, and i would have." and i hugged him. and he was all, "i hafta go home." and turned around and left. and through that whoel thing.. i had never seen him like that before. i was scared. and he looked like he was gonna cry. and i walked back inside. and didnt say anything for a bit.. and turned to aimee, and said, "you so should have been the one to go out there." and than i had to tell them what happend. and leah yelled at dom. and ugghhh. it was crazy.. i'm so worried about him...

yea, work seems to suck. all cause david had to fuck it up. sayin shit like i'm havin his baby to EVERYONE! i mean, i know most of them dont believe him. but the others didnt say. and what about everyone else that finds out? what am i gonna do then?! ;_; and then greg is leaving and moving to washington! and uggghhh!!! everyone's flippin leaving me! ;_;

today i went to the movies with nick.. apparently everyone assumes it was a date :| it wasnt! we were just hanging out. all i wanted was to go see a movie with a friend. and then eveyrone fucked it up to be something else. =/ grrr >:| i did have fun though :) nick knows sooo many flippin people in that town. lol. jus 4 months til martin comes!!! :D wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! :D and then6 months til i go see all them wonderful peeps in england :D wahoooo!!! :D tomorrow i close photo lab.. by myself.. oh Lord save me!! o.o lol. i'm prolly gonna screw up so bad. =/ but there's a book for me. plus greg'll be there. and he got trained with me. so, phew ^^;; speaken of greg, i saw him at the movies tonight. i assume he was with his gf. but i dunno. we saw "skeleten key". it wasnt too bad :)

i hate being sick :( and what sucks is my friend had strep throat, and awhole nunch of other stuff wrong with her, that made her hafta end up in the hospital.. and i'm hoping i didnt get.. cause she said it was a disease :'( thanks for all the help last entry :) i think i am better off without him.. its not like anything would have ever happend between.. 'least.. not the way i would have wanted it to. and i have someone better. whom wouldnt do to me what he did (if that makes sense). =/ "one time i was so dehydrated my spit came out like snot." -- the usual suspects

someone answer me something.. how can someone love someone.. but NOT want to be with them?.. i've been trying to figure it out. but nothing comes to mind. "darling, i love you.. but i hate you, too."

someone answer me something.. how can someone love someone.. but NOT want to be with them?.. i've been trying to figure it out. but nothing comes to mind. "darling, i love you.. but i hate you, too."

someone answer me something.. how can someone love someone.. but NOT want to be with them?.. i've been trying to figure it out. but nothing comes to mind. "darling, i love you.. but i hate you, too."

some guys suck.. seriously.. i was supposed to go down and see drew. and the guy didnt even come. and i'm so pissed at him. ugh. anyway.. everything has gone south too. cause i had to open in the food court yesterday, and i didnt even know how. yea turn on everything.. and yea there's recipes. but come on! i didnt know how. and greg had to help me. and we screwed up everything. literally everything. nothing went right. and everyone wa smad.. and i dropped natalie's pizza (nick's mom) and i was pissed at myself teh whoel time, i just laughed. what was i supposed to do? but she said, i was laughing so much, and she just couldnt get mad at that. heh. but most the other people were pissed. and i know its nto my fault. but i feel so bad. uggghhh! and i hafta open again on friday morning. and then close on saterday, and that's it! no more for me. i'm done with the food court. i hate it even more than usual. i swear. someone's gonna set it on fire. and its gonna be me. heh. =/ and.. martin's still comin in january! *dances* wheee :D ♥