I hate this feeling. A feeling of invisibilty mixed with the resulting inadequacy from the departure one would experience from the aforementioned. Like a feeling of hopelessness, that whatever you do is always undermined by something bigger and better. That, why try when whatever you do does nothing in the end? Why work when you know your actions are going to go unnoticed with the violent vicissitude of the ebb and flow of an angry ocean? I guess I've grown all too apathetic for this whole situation to progress. But is not looking really helping any? Is not accepting the truth and trying to change what you know into what you don't, does that really help? It seems like a lot of self-deception once I think about it. No, I can't change what's happening, but I can change my attitude about it- and I think that will make all of the difference. I'm trying, I really am. It's really hard for me to keep continuing like this, when all I know is failure. I don't know what shade of green the grass is on the other side. I know it's greener, but I don't know if it's more beneficial in the end. I don't even know if I can get there, be it now or five years from now. I'm waiting. I've been waiting for a long time now, and I'm beginning to think I'm waiting in vain. Maybe I should just go back home. Maybe that sort of thing is just not for me. I'll never know unless I try, and that is what keeps me from stopping. The fact that possibility can reach reality only with time.