I’m beginning to understand why I feel like I do today, like I have been for the past couple of months now. I’m realizing that my own personal decisions I have made and continue to make are putting me in the position I am in currently; that because I don’t want to do/ abhor drugs or drink alcohol, I am hurting myself in terms of relationship growth. Lately, I have felt very left out when it comes to doing activities with people. Beforehand, I have realized that some of the things that people do outside of school have to do with the activities I have told myself that I will never do. Everyone realizes this, and thusly I get left out when people plan/ go to do things that involve the said activities. As a result, I feel left out and become depressed and miss my friends. While they’re essentially bonding over these activities, I’m becoming more separated by and from them. As the separation grows, so does my sadness over the matter. But you know what? I’m tired of hiding my feelings at the sake of pleasing everyone else. I’m tired of running this consistent façade and charade of happiness that I’m putting on to let everyone know that I’m okay with what they’re doing and what they’re not doing with me instead. Because you know what? I’m not okay with it. I’ll never be okay with it, and I’m starting to feel the consequences of the decisions I made to myself a long time ago. I’ve realized that as upset as I have been, as upset as I am now- I can’t change anything, I can only change myself. And changing myself in the definition of what I am talking about, means breaking the promises I made to myself a long time ago- something I am not going to do ever.