i guess this is just where i come to put down all my most uncharitable thoughts and feelings. can't help but wonder why you get to have this and i don't get to and that is probably the meanest thought i'll ever have. i will look back on this in 10 years and have no idea what i was talking about here and that's probably for the best. i hope i forget. i hope i know better. i hope i feel better. i hope you feel better. who would've thought i would make two diary entries in the same quarantine. covid got us all fucked up, huh. i'm tired, but i'm always tired. i'm sure my very first entry talks about how tired i am because i've never not been this. anyways. time for bed. ~katja

another year, another update. i should remember to do all my vague blogging here instead of on twitter or tumblr, except if i do that, then i don't have the satisfaction of you seeing it. i can't believe the only closure i needed was to know that you still think of me. the satisfaction of that is sweeter, because i don't think about you. sometimes, maybe, but so much less than i did last year. i don't even miss you. time does heal all wounds, i guess, even if it takes more time than i think it should. you still think about me, enough to check my tumblr once a week for the last year. what were you looking for? what were you hoping to see? did you send her every post that you thought was about you? what's it like, being unable to move on and be an adult? what's it like still feeling so petty when you were the one who dumped me? cannot relate, and thank fuck for that. you're going to live in your parents house for the rest of your life, not because circumstance forced you (i think you could be something if you were able to commit to anything) but because the other options are too difficult. it's too hard to tell your parents you have a girlfriend. it would be too difficult to live together, even live in the same city. you are incapable of having an adult relationship because having an adult relationship means accepting that sometimes, you're wrong and you cannot have that. i know i did some things wrong. not the things you think, of course, but i should've set better boundaries at the beginning. i just couldn't concieve that you would devolve so quickly into someone i didn't know and furthermore, didn't want to know. my mistake for giving you too much credit when everyone else around me could see the writing on the wall. ah well. i'm going back to school. i want a bachelors degree. i want a masters degree too, but right now i want a bachelors degree so i can apply for the jobs i know i can do. i want it to prove that i'm smart enough and hardworking enough and just overall enough. i can do it. i'm not stupid or lazy. concerta was a gamechanger. knowing about adhd is a game changer. it doesn't fix everything (stares pointedly at the pile of plates on the table) but now that i know at least i can deal, you know? i can cut myself a break. i can come up with better strategies to handle it. i can think through and solve the problem, and i'm very good at problem solving. there is nobody better in a crisis than me either. i felt very alive when i had to help move the entire office out for corona in like 4 hours. i'm good at that. sometimes i want to make friends with someone so bad that i forget how to be like. cool. like i'm not a cool person by any means, but i can at least usually hold a conversation but this bitch got me like....here let me scour pinterest for something funny to show you so i have an excuse to start a conversation. she writes better than you ever did. that might not be true but, you know, i'm a sucker for a complicated fake relationship. the fun part did come back. it took time, and it will never be what it was with you, but you know what? what it was with you wasn't real either. not really. looking back, you left me hanging a lot, especially the last two years; at least with these people, i don't have the same expectations. it's nice when someone likes your writing so much they specifically request you for something. i feel like...i don't know. something i haven't felt in a while. well-liked. i always know i have friends, and i love my friends, and i would never trade any of them for anything but sometimes a girl just wants to feel like...kind of popular? it's nice. feeling wanted. i forgot about it for a while. anyways. my head hurts and i should go to sleep. i sleep easy these days (when i go to bed on time...quarantine got me fucked up). ~katja

so it's just gonna be like this forever huh almost a year and here i am reduced to tears again. at least it's not because i miss you like that because i don't but i miss my friend. i miss the person who took care of me when i was sick and i miss the person who would watch the same movies and have the same opinions and i miss the person who would read something and tell me who i would write and i miss. us. i miss being someone's favourite thing. i miss writing with you. i know you don't miss writing with me. i know you don't miss me because you have someone new. i hate that she changed you and i hate that you changed. i hate that i spent a year and a half looking for someone who wasn't there, maybe never was there and certainly wouldn't continue to be there after i made it clear that i needed to get something out of this too. the problem is that there is nobody else. there will never be somebody else. i cannot fathom how i can love like that again and so i won't and i know that everyone says you don't love the same way twice but i just don't know how else to do it. i never loved somebody like that before and you took that and you told me it wasn't good enough and now it's broken and i've put it back together but it's smaller and colder. nothing is fun anymore. nothing is going to reach those heights again and so i might as well give up but i don't know how to. i don't know how to write alone anymore. i don't know how to throw something out into the void and not have it come back, new and improved and better than anything i could have done by myself. i'm tired. i miss my friends. i'm tired of everyone new i meet being awful in some way. supposedly there's good people still out there but i don't know how to meet them. this all is because i looked at my pinterest board for a character and thought about them too hard and started crying so i guess i haven't gotten over having fiction instead of emotions. i just don't understand how to meet people and i get so. frustrated. because my friends want to complain about how hard tinder is and then i'm like yeah now cut that population into a fifth of what it is, add a ton of distance and fucking go from there. it's impossible. i hate that i can't leave this stupid fucking city because everyone i love is here but i won't find anybody to love here because it's dead and rotting. why would anyone move here. i'm tired and frustrated and my heart won't stop hurting. your cunt of a new girlfriend would tell me to get over it and understand that you're not my business anymore and i fucking know that and i hate her. i can't wait until you break up because i hate her. i still don't want you to be happy without me, and i want you to miss me. i want to be friends again and i know we can't be. whatever. my tooth hurts. i turned 28 and my body started to fall apart. i hope the doctor will give me some fucking adderall so i can function. i'm tired of being tired.

well. it's over. the other shoe was always going to drop and i'm a fucking idiot for not knowing.

i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i get my hopes up like a fucking idiot anyways and it's so fucking difficult talking yourself out of the worst case scenario when that's the only thing that ever happens i knew it was going to be too good to be true and i knew it was never going to happen because it's never going to happen and i'm going to die alone with my cats because i can't love anybody else but you but i can't have you either and i'll never get to i can't keep doing this i can't keep doing this i can't keep doing this i can't keep doing this it's always going to be one thing after another there's always going to be another reason and it's just never going to happen so i don't know why i ever bothered hoping or telling anyone or saying anything because now i get to go around to everyone and take it all back and i don't want to i don't want to i knew it i knew it i knew it i never get anything

okay so like i'm tired of this fight and this conversation and going in circles about the same thing, repeatedly. like fuck, i wish i turned off message tracking so neither of us could see it and i'm sorry i didn't do it sooner because i bet anything if i had, it would be fine and you would have no idea and nobody would be saying shit. but i didn't and wow surprise karma comes back to bite you in the ass. good lesson for me to learn i guess but fucking christ. and yeah here is the problem: i think you're wrong about this and i'm not trying to gaslight you or try and convince you that you're crazy but i think you ARE oversensitive about this specific issue and i don't think that continuing to chew on it is going to help anybody and especially not us so can we just like, let it go? great, she doesn't care about your characters, guess what, i don't fucking either half the time, but i don't say that to you and technically, neither has she. i'm just tired and i want to sleep and have date night without worrying that like, disagreeing is going to get me nailed to the wall. i love everything about you but this sure as shit is your worse trait. like fuck i don't know what to say? yeah, she felt pushed out of your plots because so did everyone? we literally talked about this two weeks ago?? i'm sorry i can't condemn her for this because??? i didn't say you were fucking WRONG i just said that like maybe the truth is somewhere in between because it fucking is because everyone handled this situation poorly and like, i don't know, a modicum of fucking compassion or grace would go a long way but sure we can keep going down this path and that's fine but i'm going to bed right now because i don't want to deal with it okay good night (i still love you but man oh man am i starting to realize why relationships are hard sometimes and this might be the first time i don't LIKE you)

okay yeah i'm fucking annoyed i shouldn't have to ask every fucking time but sure whatever fine

it's the same girl, sitdiary. it's been the same girl for the last six years and it's gonna be the same girl for the next six and for every six years after that. i just realize that the only time i write here is when i'm feeling lonely and so i guess i should just. i don't know. posterity or something. i used to write good things, but it's really the bad things that i feel like should be excised, you know? the good things, i want them to stay with me.

"wow," says everyone, because everyone says it, "that's so far." yes i fucking know how far it is and i fucking know that it's a long time and i fucking know every single other thing here is the hard part and here is the worst part is that my mom didn't believe me when i said you were coming and sometimes i don't believe either it's just hard some nights. i feel like maybe you're not real and if you're not real then we're not real and if we're not real then what am i? and i know that's not true but it feels true when it's 3 AM and i am just. here. alone. it's so hard to not feel alone when that's all i feel like i've ever been. i love you i love you i love you i promise i love you more than anyone and i guess this is what people mean when they say sometimes you have to chose. i'm choosing and i want to keep choosing but i need something. please god, give me something. i love her and i'll keep loving her so good but please, give me something. i am so tired of sleeping alone.

well god, if we've learned anything at all, it's that i know how to make myself lonely

god sometimes it's just heavy and far and out of reach and unthinkable that you would ever love me like i love you i don't think that anyone can, truth be told, but some nights its harder to carry than others i want you and i want a life and i want to be happy and i want to make you happy (that's not how this works, that's never how this works) and all i can think about is how to do it and all i can think about is how it won't happen it's safer as a dream as something i tell myself at night as something that i take to bed with me and leave there when i wake up because i can't lose it. i can't stitch myself back together after that there is no after that and i know people say things like this and i know it's melodramatic but i can't remember what life was like without you and i have no interest in finding out again in the future. you should be here with me, and you should stay with me, and we should be happy together because that's the only way i know how to be happy sometimes. not because of you, but god, because you give me a place to start at the very least.

when your friends just drop shit that leaves you lowkey devastated highkey protective just shit just come here just let me love you just let me save you i know that's not how this works

when you see it and it just hits you sometimes like i don't know. sometimes i see things that remind me how to be a person. i don't always feel like a person.

see the thing is about you is that you always get my hopes up and i know better than to believe right off the bat and that's not your fault except that it is because there are always those brief, shining moments wherein everything is possible and you'll be here and i'll feel like a whole goddamn person again and then of course it's not that easy because nothing is ever that easy and i'll do it again and again and again and again anyways

and then you tell me you're coming and it's like i can exhale again it's like i can breathe again it's like i know the best part of me is coming home and my god nothing has ever felt as good as this feels nothing will ever feel as good at this feels.

See the thing is that I think I'm kind of a big dumb gay for you which was fine when you were straight but now you've decided that you're Not and that's a problem. Because im pretty sure I'm in love with you, you see. So this is problematic now. Because now, theoretically, you're within reach, and this was so much easier when I just Knew that you Were Not. Sigh.

dear anonymous person who left a comment on my last entry, i have no idea if you'll come back and read this, i have no idea. i don't know anything about your life, i don't know who you are or where you're from or literally anything at all i guess but you know. thank you. for saying something. i hope you're okay. i hope you keep the bad people out and i hope you have people in your life who deserve to be there. i hope someone loves you. i'm feeling less lonely too. thanks for reminding me that the internet isn't always shouting into the void; sometims the void shouts back and there's a really great thing that happens, a really great moment. for a minute, me and you were connected by the thin gold wire of life and i think there's something really beautiful about that. even as i'm sitting here in my old t-shirt and work pants and there's just this lingering i don't know sometimes i'm grateful. thanks for reminding me. sincerely, katie

okay i get it your life is the worst life that has ever happened to a human being and you have Real Problems and you need Real Therapy and you are irrevocably traumatized and nothing will ever be the same. and it is terrible. it is horrific that this has happened to you and you are well within your rights to want to exorcise those demons. but can we just talk about me for a minute we spend so much time talking about you because there's so much to talk about and i get it but my god my god my god i need someone to see me sometimes i need someone to see my stupid problems and my bad moods and my fucking idiot feelings and i need them to be acknowledged. i don't need you to solve them. i don't need you to tell me that this is a stupid thing to stress over. yeah. i know. i wasn't asking. i just need you to let me lean on you for a minute. i need you to carry me for a minute. "look on the bright side, at least you're not me with my terrible awful shitty life!!" like why would that make me feel better but thank you for that. thanks for minimizing my shit. thanks for making me feel shitty for even trying to bring it up and i'm trying to tell you that i feel like i'm drowning every single night and unlike you i don't have a good reason to feel like this. i don't have an excuse to fall back on. i have shit all. and i still feel like this and i really sometimes just need you to fucking listen to me for a minute just listen JUST LISTEN i don't know. i'm tired of listening to people complain about thins that they're bad at when they're a hundred times better at it then i ever will be. so what the fuck do you think of me then. what am i then. shit. i feel like shit sometimes. just listen to me please.

i'm just very sad and very lonely some nights and frustrated and sweaty and gross and incapable of acting like an adult and sad about things that haven't happened and things that won't happen and percieved slights and real slights and just everything i'm just very melancholic all the time and i don't know how long i'm supposed to let that slide before it becomes a problem because it doesn't seem like a problem until it's 11 at night and i'm crying for some god forfuckingsaken reason that i don't understand i don't know i ate pudding for supper but it wasn't very satisfying. i wish i'd gone to the movies i wish i didn't have to work tomorrow or the next day or ever again i don't understand how i can feel lonely when all i ever do is talk to people and they're my friends and i know that they're my friends and i know they love me and i still just i don't know sometimes i forget how to connect with people and sometimes it feels like they don't really want to connect with me which is selfish and stupid and thought distortion and i can't stop it i can't make it go away i don't know i never know. i don't think i've ever known a single thing in my entire life.

so then so then so then i don't know here's the thing it's that i know i have crushes on people all the time, but i don't necessarily want them. i want the idea of them, i want this idea of a life i want the thought, the daydream, the imagination, but i don't want the reality of them and that's fine. i can deal with that, i can handle that i've always handled that (just not always well) but does anybody want the idea of me is the thing does anybody ever look at me from across the room, does anybody ever look at me and think does anybody ever just consider i just want to know that somebody considers and that's so juvenile and i don't even think i want to date anyone i don't think i want to have sex i don't think i want a traditional relationship but then what if there is a relationship out there for me i don't know. it's stupid. i don't want to date anyone but i want someone to want to date me and that is a stupid hangup. i'm happy by myself, i'm happy in my own space doing my own thing. i don't know where i was going with this. i guess i'm just lonely sometimes. but not really (but a little). but i know i'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely with someone else. so i've got that going for me at least.