dedcember. the last chapter of 2020. an ending leading to a new beginning.
875 posts here. spanning over a decade or more. through college. through crushes. through my mothers cancer and inevitable death.
i wonder how i can possibly save all of this from disappearing one day. every time i leave for awhile. i end up always coming back to read. to see who i used to be. and how i used to feel.
most of those feelings are dark. a shadow cast over my heart.
i am so different and not so different. lost somewhere between being a mother, adult, and woman. grown now but still not so grown. not on the inside. the deep down. the thing that keeps me me seems to still be intact, just lost under the muck of others expectations and assumptions.
ive often stated that i am not a good person. i know im not. i know that my heart carries within it a dark piece that never really goes away but instead plays along with the game. understands that not many if any would understand what really floats around in my mind in that space.
but isnt that what everyone says and believes that our thoughts our dark wants and dark wonders are really so unique and special and maybe it really isnt. not anymore. these days depression is sold over the counter and everyone seems to be buying.
you add in social media and there you have superstars of nothing. mundane trends and achievements that we are convinced are special. when in reality andy warhol was right in his prediction that EVERYONE would be famous for 15 minutes.
arent we all celebrities now in our own minds.
and what does this ramble even mean, i have no idea. i have so much pent up bitterness and resentment that i guess it needs to just dribble out like it used too. without an audience, but maybe a witness or two.
who am i to judge when i believe people actually care about my facebook posts. they dont. no one really cares what im doing. or thinking or feeling or wanting or dreaming. no one really wants to see you win. they want to enjoy your failure.
i deactivated my account this morning because it hit me like a bullet that no one cares. i am the only one who believes they do. now i sit waiting and wondering what to do with my time now that im trying to let go of social media. but doesnt this diary count as well. or is it different because no one absolutely cares here at all. im not even sure if or how many people actually come here anymore.
but. does it matter. does it really matter when it comes down to it. sometimes the joy is in the sending the thoughts out into the void where maybe decades or centuries from now some alien race might come across these ancient documents.
again i dont know. i think this year. this 2021. i will put more effort into actually being than i will into pretending to be.
and now time to move forward.
i dont know what i expect to be any different after 12 years.
i really dont know why i expect his attitude towards life and everything to change.
maybe im just angry because i want a drink.
or maybe im just really angy because he doesnt help discipline these kids.
i dont know its hard to tell these day where the jumping point off is.
i come here because its safe.
safe from judgement.
safe from others knowing my thoughts and feelings.
a decade ive been using this as a way to say what ive always wanted to say when there is no one to listen.
a partner is supposed to be a partner.
although he helps in many ways i need help with keeping these kids in line.
some times i wonder why i of all people became a mother instead of just drinking myself to death.
or skipping the whole mom thing and i couldve still been enjoying my freedom.
freedom from adulting and chores and fucking cyber school.
freedom from trying to relate to other mothers i really dont give a fuck about.
i dont fit in.
im a square peg in a round hole when it comes to trying to like other people.
and here i gave birth to 4 more.
4 more people that annoy me to no end.
i love them dont get me wrong.
but there are so many limits.
i couldve taken off already if i hadnt of kept having children.
and now here i am stuck.
with some guy i try to be in love with knowing full well that i will never be.
he remains this same person who never changes and never is happy about anything and i am absolutely so tired of his gray cloud.
i wish hed take it and go away.
he has the car. the job. the money. just leave. why stay where you are obviously not happy.
i mean i have limitations.
unless i plan on starting over in a shelter in the middle of a pandemic.
i have to wait it out.
why doesnt he just leave.
i know why.
because hes a coward.
todayhas been another day of high emotions.
i guess we are all a little more than frustrated with being trapped in side. all of the time.
bad enough theres a virus. theres also shit weather. tediously dreary weather that just seems to make the situation even more depressing.
im not sure. what to say or do. not even for my own down mood. the brd seems under the influence again and my anger piled with emotional delay seems to be getting the best of me.
it seems like a weird state to be in. stuck in between panic and not panic.
the purgatory of emotions.
this virus is travelling around and at first it was a joke. a conspiracy theory wrapped in memes.
now. i see the list of those dying keeps growing. the list of infected doubles.
by the end of this week. what will we be facing.
if it was just me i could not care less. but. it isnt just me. its my tribe.
if something happened to one of them. i know my rage would explode. i know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and handed back to you. i have been there before.
but. never let them see you sweat. we stay inside. we keep to ourselves. we hold on. we hope for the best.
here we are. waiting to see how much longer or how much further these regulations go.
im hoping the stores dont close. because then people will really panic.
im grateful that im sober. facing this situation. our money by now wouldve been spent even more.
the weed is next. im striving for complete independence from all of this nonsense.
i hope we succeed. but. why shouldnt we.
ive been free from my first love. for a half of a year now.
i should be able to stop smoking shitty weed. overpriced. shitty weed.
i hope all of this nonsense passes quickly.
what if it doesnt.
what will become of us.
i dont know what it is im supposed to be doing with my life.
ive spent so much time doing so little and so much drinking that thats all that i think about or know.
and now im waking up and finding out that this sober life isnt as i thought it would be.
nor is it the worst. but im not nearly 28 anymore or even 35. and time seems a little more important these days.
i wish i had a friend. a real friend. one i didnt have to be pretend around.
one that wasnt so easily tired or offended.
but i guess thats what everyone wants.
someone different like me.
someone different like them.
are any of us really that different tho.
glass pipes dressed in white.
denial is the strongest drug.
he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.
fading back and forth and forth and back.
i say come back home.
the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.
zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.
drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.
welcome to tweaker nation.
north las vegas blvd is key.
he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.
he was gone 4 days the last time.
and i drank my time away. not caring.
he showed up on and off.
eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.
accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.
all because. he loves those fumes.
given to him by scum that roam these streets here.
we/re in the lowest of the low.
but life is possible.
family is possible.
my riot. my shy. my ruckus.
more from both of us.
i drink to numb the pain.
he smokes to bring the pain.
a hamster wheel.
of hatred and resentment.
piling up like bones in a grave.
dug too deep.
and too wide.
i will remain hopeful.
i will find my faith.
i will trust.
i will remain.
almost. tactfully. sane.
i pray for the company he keeps.
i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.
i can/t keep him safe all of the time.
i can do my best.
i pray that this is the last.
i always find it comforting to find my words here.
right where i left them so long ago.
before all that was.
and now all that is.
the things you choose eventually choose you.
we/re once again faced with an issue we/ve been faced with far too much in this life.
in such little time.
if only we knew how to behave better.
grow up and be less selfish.
his gambling and meth.
my drinking and rage.
we carried it to the limit.
those are the things we apprently find more important.
than family time.
while all of my friends old and new go on to better pastures.
we/re left in the muck.
always in the muck.
because feeding the demon.
is more important than feeding the light.
i refuse to be here again.
and i dont care what it takes to get it good and gone.
facing life on the street is no way to live.
or to love.
or to show as an example.
we came here.
i came back here.
to be different.
to be the old better me.
the one with joy in my black cold heart.
not to watch it all fall apart.
if only i could find the nerve to be that me.
the one who doesnt make excuses.
or play pretend.
im farfarfar too old for this game.
please give us one more 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th undeserved chance.
this time i will not fail.
apparently. being. a slut. is far easier. than or then? i imagined.
i dont know what i expected. with so many years. and. terribly. horrible. experiences behind me.
i should know better? i shouldve understood? it explains a lot though.
i was always too blinded before. to see. or feel. their intentions.
i was usually too high. too drunk. too awake. and. too sick. to notice.
until it was ALWAYS too late. by then they had gone. and taken pieces of my dark heart with them.
but. even then. among the loneliness i failed to notice. that they just wanted my sex. and. my attention.
and. now. some secret upon the other secrets of my heart. locked in the dark dusty cabinets of my mind.
i never imagined BEING. FEELING. two men. so close together. and now my changed heart. is. TROUBLED.
I was much more a badass then. Back when very little mattered to me.
Now im hunkered down with baggage. Love. Selflessness. God. Morals. Honesty. All of those nasty little bugs that sneak in. Settle in.
How disturbing. Maybe i was before off with a heart of stone.
I may have been in my early twenties when i began this.
Time has seen fit to leave me with very vague memories.
I do know that it had been a particular awkward time in my life.
College. Depression. Feelings of utter despair for no real reason. Suicidal thoughts. And ultimately the passing of my mother.
Those moments in time I recorded here. Hidden away from prying eyes. Hidden away from myself.
After she passed, my mother Marcella, I only found it fitting to become a waste. I drownded myself in lovely cocaine and ever seductive drink.
And finally when I had lost everything. Money. Happiness. Dignity. Friends. I left. I ranaway. I ran to SinCity.
While there my indulgences only grew and grew. My hunger for nothingness became almot insatiable. And I paid the price.
Met many a good friend. Lost many more good friends. Homelessness. Emptiness. Sadness. And eventually a mission.
The LVRM. A rehab program centered around my only loving enemy at the time - Jesus. Go figure.
I stayed. I sobered up. I became SAVED. I met the father of my three beautiful children. And we ran away to hell. Texas.
Terrible ups and downs. Terrible lies. Fighting. Pain. And violence. And CPS. And than clarity.
Jobs. Money. He and I became partners in crime instead of enemies out of love. We had our girl. Then another. And then the boy.
Still happiness faded. Texas suffocated. Dry. Boring. I was not bred country tough. I was born urban smart. And the dullness became too much.
So we ran away back to SinCity. And I find myself happier. My heart lighter. My mind at ease. And I am ready to give theRiot, ShyThug, and the RuckPup all the adventure they can stand.
arrive home from work late. to find him high and in a pissy mood. telling me im cheating. not him.
excuse. he's angry as an excuse because he's either done something retarded. or is planning on it.
and needs a good lie to tell himself. that it was in the end my fault. because i never loved him anyway.
i might have if he had been worth a damn. other than holding down a job. he hasnt done much else for me.
sex only takes you so far. if you like thinking anyway. all of this time has been a waste of time.
i am coming abruptly to that conclusion. and now the riot. i have her. but. i will admit. being homeless is far easier when one has a job. gainful employment makes all the difference.
i have been in worse positions than this. with people i cared far more about.
i have no doubts. that i will eventually. be fine.
i have God. and i have love. and i have the riot. to keep pushing forward. for.
i need nothing else.
not much else.
a place to run too would be nice. but as it has been for many years now. i have no home to run too.
no shelter to seek. no protection. it will be me against. this and that. tit and tat.
he had to ruin a perfectly good saturday.
right when i decide to get positive and get on the right side. something always happens to push it to the dark side.
only the universe knows the story. the plan. i am merely a character.
the riot is all i truly do have.
she is all i need.
it was a lot easier before i had her. a baby. this little life waiting on me to guide her through this pit. this world of good things. terrible things. happy things. and things.
i havent been a good mom yet. ive been busy getting sickdrunk again. because. the binge always feels better in the mind then actually when it happens.
and i always think. this time it will be different. until i find myself hugging the porcelain god with a body so achy from dehydration and days of blind drunkness. that it hits me.
it will never be different. the story always plays out the same when i call on my old love booze.
she always hurts me. in the long run. but now. i have GOD and a babygirl named RIOT waiting for me to love her to pieces and to protect her.
and this man im trying my hardest to trust without chasing him off finally with my blind jealousy.
then again maybe im just too bored in this ittybittytinyminisculelittle hell hole.
my job is working out here despite my repeated stupidity.
and we have things here that i havent had in a long time.
a bed to rest my head.
a freakin tv i dont like to watch.
has it been so long since ive loved anything other then drugsnbooze.
have i forgotten how to have a notsoblackandcold heart?
i need to learn to love her.
she deserves the world.
i need to give that to her.
my riot. my monshter. my glowworm. my grace from GOD.
i need to wake up my heart.
i need to put down the vodka.
and ive been through this before.
rehab is missed now.
because. i was safe from myself.
i should be working harder then this but its saturday.
the love of my life is at the babysitters house. waiting for us to come grab her.
true love or not. my heart leans closer to not.
lust. old infatuation. simple pride and ego issues.
as is the roughdraft of my life.
always crossed and scratched out. never complete.
i need change.
i need big change.
i need to let pettiness go.
i need to tell myself that i can trust him more then i can love him.
and he begs.
why dont you love me.
you wear me out.
you dont hear that when i say it either.
at times i wonder if he even remembers me?
why couldnt i have been more upfront with the one i was in love with.
before he too left.
between a rock.
and a stone.
she came the 3rd of feb. with more of a scream then with a whimper.
she weighed 7 and 4 with 19 1/2 inches to boot.
right now she's resting in our bed. content. safe. loved.
riot. and i dont know how else to feel but in love with her. in love with being able to love her and to actually mean it. how long has it been, since. then. when. i felt some thing more then nothing.
to this drinking or cocaine cannot compare. my love for them has been replaced. with her.
this little person. waiting to become. becoming this awesome little woman.
im worried though. for the rent. and the bills. and wondering when i might actually decide to do something meaningful with myself.
i will trust in God.
i will wait on him.
i will be still and not freak out because i know with God nothing is impossible.
quiet riot is meant for grand things.
i know this already.
and i'll make sure she knows.
in a week ill be a mother. officially. how things change. how time changes situations.
events disappear and are replaced before you even remember why you were sad in the beginning.
i type while im at work right now.
seven days. hours. minutes. moments. screams. and pulling out of hair and i will be a mother. to a daughter. i never thought. dreamed i would ever have.
the life before this new other life. was a terrible life. a down life. dirty life. lonely. and hopeless.
excuse me if i type so EMO.
i believe she'll have eyes like mine. and a smile all of the same. im sure i know her already.
we've been growing together for months now.
when you're ready riot.
ill be here waiting.
i used to write here all of the time because this was the best place to vent without being arrested for bashing someones skull in.
im 6 months pregnant now needless to say things change.
time passes and what seemed so devestating years ago seems like a drop in the big bucket now.
it keeps moving forward whether or not you want to.
whether or not youd care to keep going.
im a christian now.
im also sober right now. which alone is a huge step in a crazy direction.
i vented a lot on here while my mother was dying in the next room of lung cancer.
it comforted me. it made me able to get out all of the horrible junk.
now i live in a little ghetto apartment in texas working at a salon as a receptionist.
loving a man im not sure i love.
trying to care about someone im not sure i give a shit about.
maybe im pretending because its easier then letting him down.
or maybe i am afraid of love.
maybe the baby will help me love again. and maybe i know this.
maybe thats why ive wanted her so badly.
because i miss loving. and i miss feeling loved.
it has been a long road these last few years.
long and strange and awesome and frightening.
i know she'll be like me.
small and strange and lonely.
i know she'll like me. because she's mine.
i know i'll like her because she'll be like me.
until of course she's a jaded bitter teenager.
i feel too old to be a mom.
i feel too young to be here.
i feel this color today. i feel off balance. kicked off center. floating around in my own head.
nothing to grasp on to really and not like i would if i could because i have always enjoyed doing life the hard way. when the easy way was right there in front of me. waiting.
i am 20 weeks pregnant. closer and closer to becoming this little parasites mother. a mommy. and here i am nervous. depressed. overjoyed. lonely. happy. scared. and bewildered by my own actions over these last many years.
if i could stand still in the blizzard of time that is my life. i know it wouldnt make sense then either. but. nothing wonderful ever makes sense. or equals up.
and i dont know if i love him enough to keep being with him.
i dont know if i love him enough to let him go either.
or to keep him close.
i dont know if i love.
i dont know why i havent written in here forever.
things have changed again as they usually are meant too.
i no longer dwell in hell of las vegas.
i now reside and hide in texas.
a small town. a blip on a map. a no-finder-no-reminder of a place.
i moved here with the cowboy.
i moved here and became a problem all over again.
sobriety flew fast out of the window.
and here came the bruises and bites and fighting and marks.
the police called every other weekend until we were both homeless.
and i to the studio went to stay.
and he to his brothers went the other way.
here we are.
9 pregnancy tests later.
and that has changed too. my doubt about ever being a mother.
and now i worry from time to time because i dont feel pregnant.
that happens as well i hear.
or so ive read.
so i have to put all worries down as dead.
my life is strange.
and at times i almost forget that this is the thousandthbillion life ive had.
adding it to the ever growing list of newness.
i wonder what will ever become of us.
and now all i do is search for some thing i am in no rush to find.
i have no direction. i have no goal. i still have absolutely no fucking real ambition.
i spent 3 days messing up.
i wasted 3000 that i could've done some thing with. invested into some thing with.
go back to school. or buy a car. or do some thing worthwhile and all i did was nickle and dime it to death because i still even after being sober this long am fucked up.
and now i'm searching for just any job. a job and then what?
this is beginning to feel a bit mundane actually.
i will keep my head up though because i will no longer be locked into that bullshit of regret and guilt.
freedom is attainable it is just rather difficult to seek out truly.
i just need to want it.
i just want it to need it.
i want it and just need it.
i want some THING.
bigger then me.
but i have become so damned lazy.
search me and find my heart pure.
give me a reason.