8 years ago, after a long birth session, my son was born.
Since then, everything changed for me. I became more sensitive, so i really cannot watch movies with too much violence anymore.
I'm thinking about my own mortality in a different way. He sometimes says i shall always be with him and he's never moving out for sure. He is just staying with us and his future family and kids.
I doubt my own childhood, because i know now, how much love you can give to a child and always try to give even more.
I love him so much, that i will try to stick around as long as possible.
He is my anchor, my saviour, my own little god. He is just perfect.
He is the one making my life worth living.
After nearly 13 Years of being together with my wife now, i realise our relationship is just sticking together due to the kids. It's one of those feelings, which climb sneaky up your spine and make a small dance performance in your mind before its disappearing with a silent *poof* because you wipe it out to make yourself not feel uncomfortable.
And now i think about this more often. Leave her. At least, when he is old enough. But when is old enough? Now he's too young. I cannot live without bringing him to bed at night and we're both talking nonsense and reading a book before i tug him in. I just know, that i've learned a lot in our relationship the last 13 years. That i developed in some point of my character. But i also have to face the fact, that mostly she is making me unhappy. She loves to argue with nearly everyone. So we are isolating ourself due to that. Only we grown ups though. The kids always were and are able to chose their friends by themself.
With her it is quite difficult. She cannot keep friendships. She've had best friends though over the years, but at some point the had a fight about whatnot and then the friend left and was also abandoned.
Fact is, that i have one (1) friend, which i know from kindergarden. We see each other once in a while. Thats it. She has some girls to hang out with. All the couples we were friends with left after a while, due to her. I'm surely not easy to handle myself, but it is really that she cannot keep connected without getting so hurt after a while that she has to cut off contacts.
At this point, we are not involved in the social life of our village anymore. This is partially my fault, because i whatsapped with some other woman and it was the gossip of the year in 2017, but no. We are not participating on anything anymore.
Since the youngest one goes to elementary school in the next town, everything calmed down a little. We wre much more anon in the town. I grew up there, have some old contacts and i used that to help our son a little bit in accomplishing social status there.
Now my wife is arguing with one of her girls, which lives in this town since birth. I really hope she wont mess it up now and makes us ghosts in the town. As for my part i stuck to the deal and didn't look for adventures. Even though if i'd like to.
Im wondering btw why i always write my diary in english... ill continue later... so long and have a nice weekend.
The weekend was quite harmonic, we chopped our christmax tree, set it up and decorated it with classic figurines from the Erzgebirge. Anyone who's interested can just search for 'Erzgebirge Weihnachtsschmuck'. I always loved these little handcrafted figurines. But they are hella expensive, so i was lucky some years ago to grab a carton full off the bay.
Yesterday we got into a stupid fight again and were not talking anymore. We were just different opinions and i told her, that her opinion is irresponsible. She always turns it that way, that it's all my fault. She is becoming all mute then on me - because i hate this. It bugs me the whole day, that there is something between us and i'm always giving in after a while, taking it on my shoulders. It's going since 12 years like this and i still hate it.
Sometimes i just wantto leave her. Not the kids, not the house, not the cats, but her. I cannot accept, that everything what is going wrong in our live and make arguments is my fault. But i'm used to give in. Used to crave for harmony, used to want to fix everything, used to be used like this. That is sitting upon me like a drooling demon continuing pinching my neck.
This makes me feel weak, everytime i'm losing myself in these situations. Give in, for christs sake, just make, that it's all good again. This is not so easy with a woman, which is looking for an argument.
On days like these, a little part of me is dying inside, i thinks its the safety lid, i keep closed all the time, which is be opened through emotions like this. Once opened, there is this guy inside me who shows me Big signs with the truth. Like in that Bob Dylan Music Video - subterranian homesick Blues. I don't know, if it's right to give yourself up and keep a family together. All the thoughts and feelings telling me, that it would be better for me to leave her. But it would be worse for my sons, if i did.
So i go to that guy with the truth-signs, tell him to just grab a coke and have a smoke in the waiting room. I'll be there for him in a decade or two.
I also read some of my old poetry from back in the days and i have to say, even there was lots of drugs and alcohol and loneliness involved i like most of them still. I stopped writing poetry, after my wife told me once that it is shit and noone would understand it. Today i know, that this is all not important. Important is, that i wrote it. And maybe i'll try (without drugs & Alc of course) at some point catching up on all these people with their signs, the thoughts and the pictures, that are drawing by the rain into a pond enlightend by a neon billboard and set something into words again. I never stopped being me, but im hiding most of the time - to be compatible with the everyday life in my family.
To be mean in that matter i always thought i would save my wife, when i met her. I always thought i could do that. Be there for somebody, take care and love will be filled in her heart. Stop her loneliness and her anger against the world and everyone. But i underestimated the tempest her anger has and therefor im hiding in that inner shelter of me.
Thats it for today so far.