The Heat of the Moment

It is funny, how i come back here over all these years. I check sitd nearly every day and it feels like a cozy, secret place, noone of my real life is aware of, except me. It's a real diary and i love this here. Also it is impressive how many people (which are posting visibly) are returning here more or less often to swim in nostalgic memories or just share thoughts and doubts of the present.

I liked that imagination of screwedangel how aliens my find these documents of human thoughts one day and i made me laugh in my office. These are the moments which are making my day and make me feel so comfy here. The fast lane of the internet with all the temporary rubbish is fading out after a short while, but these diaries here are online over a decade now and contain the skidmarks of growing up. I'm very grateful that scott leaves this website here open. It apperently helps a lot of people cheking in to a motel, taking a break from the fast lane.

Well yeah 2020 is what we call 'Scheiße' in German but these are not really news. HomeOffice, Curfew(?), Homeschooling, closed shops and restaurant, not able to travel, no fun at all, lot's of tin foil freaks and supressed-in-their-right-of-licking-doorknobs-naked-with-hundreds-of-other-people-while-eating-boogers-with-a-strangers-toothbrush activists. Suddenly Millions of people are virology-specialists, know their rights and have to go to a public demonstration. In the meanwhile a guy is going postal and carmageddon in a public street in Trier, Germany, killing a family including a 9 week old baby. Another guy is shooting at her ex and afterwards himself 5km from my house. Don't get me wrong, i'm not living in Frankfurt, Detroit or Russia. It's more like Maine, but from the movies. A very old friend of mine is telling me last week, that this is all a fraud, that business is taking over even more control of all the governments and that he is hoping, that Trump will be back soon, because he's the only one not following the rules of the big companies and business. Well yeah. I guess that was it for him then.

My little son starts hating the cities more and more, we were shopping some clothes last Saturday and he really was apathic until we sat in the car on our way home again. He said he hates the cities. Now that can be because iam more the backwood guy and not so high rolling main street, or it can be because he is just breaking apart with all these rules, contrains and limitations. A friend of his is now in the hospital, with a bacteria infection of her lungs. She is 7 years old and she likes to carve, making fire, loom bracelets and is half princess, half knight. I really hope she is going to be ok, and so does my son. My eldest one is getting more grumpy than i ever was in my teenage years, he's being an asshole most of the time to all of us, but well, after all he is just unsure of what to do with his life and im going to help him, of course. Yes, my wife, she never has been easy and she cannot keep friendship upheld, but innerly she is becoming more calm and not so angry anymore. PMS is hell, though and even more because she cannot go out. So i have to catch this. Whatever. I Love her. My mother fell again and broke her arm. She was in surgery and is now at home. Nobody believed her, that she was losing conciousness due to her alcohol problem. Well hey! But i did. I was the only the one who believed here instinctly and i have to say i felt like an idiot afterwards. It's called co-addicted apparently and i have to get used to the fact, that im still hiding her alcoholism, even after 43 years. She is sober now, since she left hospital....she said... you know?

Sometimes it's hard to face reality for me, to face that there are obviously people just lying to me. I have this god given trust as you call it in german, this is my inner protection for all uncomfortable in this world. It slithered me quite successful through life. Sometimes i wake up and realise I'm the biggest liar to myself. I feel like that Bum in 'The Maxx'. I don't know how this popped into here, just came out - this is why i love sitd so much.

Work is really dull the last year, i work or i don't, it doenst make a difference in my position. I'm grateful, that i made it so far in the company and that all my departments are running well. But i feel not needed. Even though i'm making decisions - i really would like to have something tangible after a working day.

I have a crush sometimes - but without trying to make more out of it. There is this one mother at school, i described here some posts ago. When i see her, she smiles and says 'hello' and smiles with her pale blue eyes. I know she is just firnedly and she probably knows that i have a crush, but i just feels good, to sooth that daily madness in this calming face. She's like a Madonna. So i never thought i could have a crush on someone for 5 seconds, once a week. It feels good and it doesnt hurt anyone - so i guess it's ok. But hey: i clicked her on XiNG! I'*m such a daredevil ;-)

That was it for today, just had to let my thoughts float for a while.

PS: X-mas? I hope so.

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