Holy fucking hell. 8 months into living here and nothings changed. things just keep getting worse. all i want is to be fucked up all the time. what the hell am i going to do. i feel like i could spiral out of control and no one would notice. I want to be happy. I want to be able to take care of myself. I want nate to be happy. I want him to go to school and do what he wants. I want to have a baby. I want to have a normal fuckin life and its not happing. theres nothing but fear and hate and everything that i was trying to get away from. i cant go to school because of how fucked up i was when i tried to do it the first time. i dont have the money to actually take steps in the right direction. i dont know what to do. i am sooo lost. i feel like i have no one. well not actually. i have nate.. but i know he gets tired of being my rock sometimes. i dont blame him. hes just as miserable as i am. god i am so stupid. why the hell did i make him move like this. i thought we would be happy. pfft i was so wrong. we could go to washington.. we could go back to alabama..we could try to go back to fallon.. but all those places suck. theres nothing. we are so stuck. we have nothing. we have nothing to live on. we cant do anything because neither one of us can find a job. i feel so lost. i have no one who i can talk to without them telling me what to do. i miss my friends. i miss having some sort of fun. i havent had fun sober in so long its scary. god all i want is to be numb to everything. i think i can make that happen... thats my only happiness. besides when nates having a good day. im just rambling now... i think im gonna go...

I dont know what to do. nate and i moved to oregon because we thought that maybe it would be better for us since fallon was going to shit. but as it turns out Salem is just like fallon. Jobless and living with a bunch of people that we both are having a super hard time getting along with. i see their flaws and i see how hipocritical they all are and all i want to do is leave. i want to go somewhere where we will both find good jobs and be happy. i think its impossible here. first off there is leah: workaholic, hipocritical, spineless twofaced asshole. she says one thing and either never does it or does the exact opposit. she lets her husband get away with anything and everything and doesnt say a word. she works for a shady ass person who cant run his own company. she doesnt know how to disaplin her kids and lets them walk all over her. Jason (her husband) is a creepy perverted asshole who spends more time drunk then anyone else i know. he says everything in a condesending manner and i want to punch him in the face 99% of the time. oh and hes in love with me. or at least he thinks he is. but no one knows that nate and i know. i hate him enough that i refuse to be alone in the same house with him. then that leads us to Joe who has a god complex and thinks that because hes gay hes the best thing in the fucking world. im sorry but until i see you actually shit out a rainbow keep your fairy ass in your room. we are slowly but surely running out of money and its not for lack of trying to find a job. no one is hiring here. and they think that we have a ton of money to spend on whatever they want to. i dont think i can take this much more. i want to pack all our shit and move again. i want to get out of here. i love oregon but i hate being here. in this house with all these people. i dont know what to do. i dont think nate and i can handle this anymore. last night he finally told me what ive been thinking for weeks now. maybe its time to leave..

last night i broke down. i cried for 2 hours. i didnt sleep that well. i dont feel you look at me anymore... you used to tell me i was beautiful or pretty every single day... i havent heard you say it in a while. you dont act like you used to... sometimes you'd pounce on me and surprise me. you havent done that in almost a year. i know that things arent the way they used to be before i lost the baby...i lost the baby... the single most terrifying thing thats happened to me in my life.. i try to act like it doesnt hurt anymore but im sitting here crying. it hurts. it hurts a lot. sometimes i think that you deserve someone better... someone prettier...someone who can give you the family that you want.. i know that you love me and that you would do anything for me but honestly love i can see when your not happy. i can see it in your face when you want to give up... i dont want to loose you. i dont want to see you go and leave me.. but if there is any thought in your head that tells you you could be happier i want you to go...dont stay and be miserable with me. i love you i love you with my whole heart and soul. but please it hurts me more to know that your unhappy... all i want is for you to be happy. thats all. i love you....

SO its been a while since ive been on here. I think there needs to be some updates. 1)My moms chemo didnt work. so they are trying her on a new stronger harsher chemo. so far shes only had two treatments. but the migrains that shes getting are worse than shes ever had in her life. Her hair fell out completely. she tried to wear wigs but that just never set right with her. she stopped her original chemo and it grew back fast. we're waiting to see if the new chemo takes her hair away again. 2)I completed my only goal that i had in my life. I graduated high school. i never thought that i would make it and i did it with more credits than i needed and thats saying something about how smart i am since for the longest time i never tried to be smart. 3) Nate finally came home to me in April. We've been living together for 6 months now. And we still dont hate each other or anything like that. my mom however decided a couple of months ago that she didnt like us being togther and gave me an ultimadum. it was either her or move out. 4) nate and i have been living together on our own for the last two and a half months. hes working and doing well and i am working and going to college. of course we fight and we get really mad at one another but at the end of it all we love each other more than ever. 5) the only bad thing thats happend so far is i thought for a couple of weeks that i might be pregnant. my moms best friend asked me before i even said anything if i had thought about taking a pregancy test. i took 3 including a blood test done by my doctor. i had every symptom except the missed periods. every test i took told me i wasnt pregnant. but i still felt that i was. one day nate and i were messing around on my bed and i felt that something wasnt right... so i went to the bathroom. i was having a miscarrage. i couldnt stop crying. i wanted more than anything to be pregnant and be a mother. and that chance was stolen from me. being a mother has always been a dream of mine. i try to act like it doesnt bother me that much but it does. there hasnt been a night since that i havent cried myself to sleep. its hard to act like it doesnt matter for nates sake. when it does matter. so this is my life so far.. not better not worse... just different.

moms back. i guess she liked the doctor.. which is good. hes not happy with the way the previous doctors have been handling all her stuff. which i cant blame him for. they think that her tumor is up past where they cant see on the mri's but they cant see because of her plates. i dont know how they think they are going to get pictures of it.. the plates distorte everything. shes obsessed with how much hair shes pulling out of her brush when she gets out of the shower. you cant tell really when you look at her.. but it is thinning out a lot. i dont have the heart to tell her. it seems lately ive had a hard time saying anything right. or worng.. or at all.. third quarter ended last week and i got my grades and they arent so good. i cant consintrate on anything. even my spelling has gone to shit. i seriously dont know how to handle anyhting thats going on. im about ready to fall back into old habits just to make everything go away. but i know that if i do that then most would say im only doing it to get attention. if they only knew the truth.. i cant believe im even saying this shit. i know how pathetic i sound. i want to escape. i need to. all this shit is gettin to me.

moms not doing well. i think everything is starting to catch up with her. all the chemo and the stress from not knowing whats going to happen when she goes to sac on friday to meet the new doctors at UC Davis. she doesnt know how to slow down and nothing i try to do helps. im really worried about her. shes starting to notice that her hair is getting thinner. shes starting to notice a lot of things. im so stressed out that i cant really sleep at night. i snap at people who are just trying to help. i try really hard not to bite my boyfriends head off but it doesnt work. and thats another thing im stressed about. im worried about the weather and him driving if he even gets out of his moms house. i know hes trying but look at it from my point of veiw? how do you think i feel always hearing its going to be another week or two or three? honestly.. i dont know.. maybe im overreacting. it wouldnt be the first time..

Prozac.. not the best thing for a 12 year old who already had fucked up thoughts in her head. Everyone tried really hard to make things better. Shauna and chelsey did everything they could to make me happy. I got through school and turned 13. Finally it was summer time. About two weeks after school ended, i was chattin away in a yahoo chat room when i see this messege come up that says "i'm bored someone talk to me" so i click on his name. and we have the most amazing conversation. and it just kept getting better and better. I didn't know at the time that i had found my soul mate. but it wasnt to long after that i did. Me and shay and chels stayed up all ngiht during the summer just chattin away. together me and nate would watch the sun come up. first on his side then on mine. we never got tired of talking to one another. Me and shay went on a trip for a week to the mountians up by lake tahoe. we went in her dads jeep and it was the most exhilerating thing i had ever done. it was boulders and cliffs and a lot of walking, no toilets.. no electricity nothing. just us a bunch of jeeps and rocks. And before i left nate told me that the only way i could go was if i took his number with me in case something happend. well nothing happened then. we just got really dirty and sunburnt. After we got back though.. i figured that maybe it was time to tell nate just how i felt about him. i was so afraid that he was going to laugh and never talk to me again but instead he said it back. =] well a couple weeks later my mom kinda flips her lid and took off for two days. we had no idea where in the world she was. Once Chris and leah found her i was pissed. i was so mad that me and shay went to a party on the friday after they found her ( i think it was a wensday). We got completely fucked up. Me and tequilla ended up naked on a table. well the next day.. litterally in the morning me and shay had to get up and meet her dad down by the jr. high so we could go back to the house and pack our stuff to go to cali with her boyfriend. talk about a major hangover. well i never told my mom that i was going with shay. i just left. and i also told nate that i would talk to him after i got there. my mom was none too happy when i just up and left. I didnt care. i was too pissed at her to be concerned. i know now that it was just me being petty but at the time it seemed like a good idea. Anyway we got to cali and i had never had so much freedom. Shays boyfriends house was huge his parents were loaded and we had free range to do whatever we wanted. and we did. we went swimming at 3 am made pancakes that would feed an army. we went to the movies all the time. we drank a lot. we did whatever we wanted. And all the while i missed talking to nate. I did as much as i could but sometimes he just didnt seem like he was that into me. sometimes it worried me. to be continued..

did you know that the freckle on the end of my nose drives me insane? did you know that my bed is only comfortable when your laying in it next to me? did you know that my house is empty without you? did you know i feel empty and utterly alone when your gone? did you know no matter how many times i hear you say i love you... i could always need to hear it one more time? did you know that i love being your muse? did you know that ive never really felt anything until i met you? did you know that i remember every place in my house where we've snuggled? did you know i can always tell when your smiling just by your voice? did you know that you have the most beautiful eyes ive ever had the pleasure of seeing? did you know that i know without a doubt that anything is possible with you? did you know that you have had all of me since that first night? did you know that i miss you touching my skin? did you know that i miss watching you snuggle with my leopard when you sleep? did you know that even now i look at my bedroom door waiting for you to come out of it? did you know that i'm going to teach you how to tussle in any room? did you know that i still think your full of it for thinking that i'm beautiful after work? did you know that i hated shutting the door on you when i got in the shower? did you know that you turned me on to new bands that you love and i know love too? did you know that your kisses are truely the most breathtaking kisses ive ever had? did you know that i really am as blonde as you think? did you know that i would rather give everyhting in the world up in a heartbeat to be with you, than be without you and have everything? you know that i love you. you know that your my world. and i want to be with you now and forever. but of course you knew all this.. because you know me better than i do.

to hope is a dangerous thing. and yet thats all i find myself doing. i love him with all my heart. and he loves me. he says that things will be fine, and that he will be here soon. i hope for his sake he is. i worry about him so much. hes not happy where hes at and i know that. and yet i feel bad because his mom is there. he tells me i shouldnt but i do. i dont want him to think that he has to be here just for me. i want him to be here because he wants to be. i'm hoping these next few weeks go by quickly so we can be together. i hope that hes happy here. i hope things arent too tough for us. i hope that life with me is everything hes expected and more. i hope that i can make his dreams come true. i miss him more than he knows. oh march is close but not close enough. 7 months without him feels like an enternity, worse than 5 years without knowing his touch. to hope is a very dangerous thing..it leaves too much room for things to go wrong.

today mom started her weekly chemo treatments. everything was fine until about an hour ago. shes in so much pain that i dont know what to do. it didnt even really hit me that this was all really happening until i saw them inject her full of poisons that kill everything.. it was hard not to show any emotions because i'm all she has and if i break so will she. i didnt really think it would be this hard. guess i was wrong

I know. i know i know i know i know i know i know. I know that you dont like her. i know that you would never leave me for her. i know that the thought of her makes you cringe... and yet... i dont think that it will happen any time soon. the past isnt that long ago for it to happen. what i'm worried about is when we reach that point to where we're ok with her. when we have to see her a lot for lucas. you tried to love her once.. it didnt work...but it could happen. we dont know. i dont know. both of you have told me its never going to happen again and i really really really want to believe that. you have no idea how much i want to believe that. but if its true then why does my subconsiouse tell me its not? i am afraid to sleep because i dont want to see you two together in my dreams. i dont want to wake up crying or pissed off because you left me for her in some horrible dream. i know you love me. i know you want to be with me. but i cant get the image of you two out of my head. i want to tear the memory part of my brain out and not even know who she is but i cant. i just cant. and im sorry. its not that i dont trust you. because i do. i trust you with my life. i dont want you to feel like its your fault because its not. its mine because i cant seem to get myself together. and i love you. but i dont know..

September 17 2004 Dear Nate, Hey baby. I'm sorry i hung up on you last night. I didnt mean to but i had to go. And dont feel bad i didnt get in trouble or anyhing. I love you. I want to talk to you about something that popped in my mind earlier. Its about the letter you wrote me, but yeah, I'll talk to you later about it. I love you babe. Talk to you later. Rae September 20, 2004 Dear nate Hey my baby. whats up? Not too much here just got done with my math test and i'm listening to the "umpa Lumpa" tell us how important it is to do the extra credit. I didnt do it so oh well. lol. i missed you last night. Like all night i was listening to "when you say nothing at all" You know how like whenever we are on the phone, we kinda stay quiet and dont say anything? well that song is perfect for those moments or at least i think so. There was something you said last night that keeps going through my head. "when we get married we'll move somewhere where it snows a lot." that got me. I want to be with you forever. I just hope you feel the same. Well baby I got to go. Love you. Rae Dear Nate, hey my love. whats up? not much here just watching shanny play with my beads. I've been playing our song for like the last hour. I was doing really good about listening to it without crying but lately that just doesnt happen. RAWR. GOD I LOVE YOU. I cant sleep without talking to you at least once a day. You've become such a big part of me. I need you and i want you so bad. I've never been so totally consumed by anyone like i've been by you. The funny thing is, is that you dont even have to do anything and im a puddle on the floor. The littlest things mean so much to me. Like when you call me love, everytime you say it i melt. I dont know what it is about you, but you just totally amaze me. No one and i mean no one can say that i have ever loved them the way i love you. You are definatly something special. I truely believe that we were meant to be together. We are way too much alike. We like just about the same things. It's scary but its also totally awesome. I love you so much. I remember the night that you "officaly" asked me out like it was yesterday. I also remember the night you told me you didnt want the title "boyfriend/girlfriend" anymore. I dont know how or even why but i remember i was calm. and i knew that we would be together in the end. Now look at us. I have you. and i know that the past few months have been really hard for you. I've tried to be there for you the best i could. I know that with me being so far away its not easy for you. But you've done a good job with everything thats going on. I'm so proud of you. I really am. You're the best thing i've ever had. No matter what happens, no matter how much time goes by, i will always love you, with all my heart. Shay and i were talking the other night and she said that maybe she could ask Aunt Pam and Pap if you can live there for a while until we can move in together. So that way you wont have to keep making trips from Ga. to here. RAWR i cant wait for christmas to get here. You know i never thought that i could find a song that could fit the way that you took over me, but i did. Its called head over feet. i love that song because it reminds me of you so much. Speaking of music. I dont know how im going to get those cds to you, but i will. somehow. Well my love i have to go Shanny is stuck between a chair and a box. I love you. Rae

Septemer 16 2004 Dear nate, hey baby! whats up? i'm in literature and im bored as hell. i know that you probably are going to read this way after i write it, but oh well. I miss you and i cant wait to be with you. i hope that you can stay with me instead of Pam. I cant help but wonder what it will be like to have you near. I wish school would end already.As i sit here in class I cant help but to smile because your voice keeps running through my mind. Well baby i got to go. I love you. Rae

wow. add a point to the shittiest day category. Mom = chemo nerve and tendons removed and grafted back in. 5 years of this. total heartbreak and hell. Me= confused. pissed. lost. dazed. totally fuckin out of it. everyone tells me its going to be ok. what they dont know is no matter how many times you tell that to me i'm not going to believe it. you can tell me all you want that you'll be there for her. i know you wont be. you have your own life. i get this. why dont you?

holy fucking shit. what the fuck just happened? did...did...no..she couldnt have. did my mother really just throw a temper tantrum? why...yes..yes she did. are you fucking kidding me? she threw her phone. she yelled and screamed. and she odered me out of the house.. i thought teenagers and infents did that. not 40+ grown adults.. and who has the maturity problem? i dont know how much more of this i can take. i have two months till she cant do shit about me moving out. but even thats too long to deal with this poor pittiful me shit. and the whole reason all this shit is happening is because i cant get my unemployment. a measley 62 dollars a week that would go straight to her any way. and because its my fault i got fired. and i cant do anything right by her and all this other shit. i swear i think she wishes she would have either had an abortion or left me with my dad. thanks a lot mother.

first i would like to say that christmas was ok. the actual day was just ok. my wonderful amazing smart sexy just adorable boyfriend is the best gift giver in the whole world. he gave me so much more than just what he sent me. he gave me hope and love and everything that a girl could ever need. this past week has been hell. i got fired from my job along with 6 other people. my mom and i have been fighting. and its just been recockulasly hellish. but its the new year and in a few months it will all be ok. why? because im going to have him by my side. finally for good. i'll turn 18 and i'll graduate. and then its off to live my own life with my soul mate by my side. i love him more than i think he knows and i cant wait to be able to spend my life showing him. i got hooked on this song called perfect company and i swear the words fit us. because he is my perfect compainion. my dream come true. whenever i have doubted myself he has always been there to show me that i'm better than i think and whatever is troubling me is nothing too big. this is a new year. our year. and i will make it a good one.

ok, so after things got all heated between me and him, it was about time for me to go back to my mom. well me and her boyfriend started fighting on the phone. and it almost got to the point where my dad wasnt going to let me go. but in the end i ended up on the plane and headed back to nevada. while i was away not only did haley stay at my house, but rod brought his mom into the house. she was the ubber christian cant do anything wrong or the devils demons would smother you at night with your pillow. they decided while i was gone to paint my room. that was all nice of them and everything but i really didnt want them to touch my room at all. ya know? i didnt want to be all selfish and say that it wasnt good. so i just left it alone. when i got back things between me and haley werent the same. it was like she never wanted to be around me and she never wanted anything to do with me. little did i know that it wasnt my fault. but it caused a lot of heartache and tension between us. eventually we lost the house that we were living in. rods mom moved to reno with his brother and we moved closer to town. i started going to the jounior high and thats when i met denise, khelcee and malia. three girls that have stuck by me no matter what. things got bad between mom and rod and they fianlly broke up. me and mom took all the things we could that were ours and we went to live with my moms friend. things out there were cramped and hectic. there was chirs, justin, shauna, chelsea, bradley, me, mom and a baby on the way from chris. it was a little cramped but things worked out. all through the school year me and haley were fighting and then we'd make up, fighting then make up. it was horrible. denise and khelcee were always there for me to talk to and haley had other friends she could talk to. i started spending a lot of time with denise and khelcee. and then in december haley told me that her and her family were moving to vegas again. and even though we were fighting and not very close, it still hurt. and before she left we had a cahnce to talk and she finally told me why she had been so distant and why things happened the way they did. i understood and it hurt. it hurt a lot. that was the last time i saw her. she left two days before her birthday. on the 4th. i couldnt eat, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i had litterally lost my best friend. finally mom took me to the doctor and he put me on prozac. that helped a little but not too much. i learned how to grow a mask and use it well. to be continued further.

...Love is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smite... Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." -"Charlie Brown Loving, knowing that you are going to get hurt, is like living knowing that you are going to die. But, not loving so you don't get hurt, is like killing yourself before you die." -Anonymous "To achieve the ultimate love takes the ultimate sacrifice. I'd rather love without life, than live without love." -Les Vierges To continue loving someone when there is no promise of that love thriving- that is romance." -Anonymous A kiss when all is said, 'Tis a secret; told to the mouth instead of the ear." -Author Unknown Love is blinding. That is why lovers like to touch." -German Proverb

i think that its time to just let it all out. when i woke up this morning i woke up thinking about all the people of my past. i dont know what brought it on but here goes. lets start with me moving back to nevada after my mom and dad split. me and my mom drove for 18 hours from new mexico to nevada in a piece of shit car that almost got us killed. when we got to this hell hole of a town my mom met up with the only reason why she wanted to move here. his name was rod and i didnt like him from the start. he always seemed like more of a predator than anything else to me. i hated this man. and mom decided that she loved him. so after a couple of months of living with a friend of his we moved in with him. i tried everything in my power to break them up with nothing to show for it. i fought with them constantly. nothing worked. finally i gave up. and then they decided to move to colorado where my dad happened to live at the time. i hated this too because i wanted to live with my dad and my mom made me stay with her. after about 7 months of living there, they decided to drag me to florida. all the while i hated every minute i was alive because my mom wouldnt listen to me about her boyfriend. we lived in florida for six months. and then we moved back to nevada. i was in fifth grade then and thats when i met my best friend and other half haley. we spent all of our time together. she hated her step dad just as much as i hated mine. we had so much in common it was insane. when sixth grade hit we both transfered to the same school. we had so much fun it was great. well for a month i went to see my dad in new mexico. i was staying with my dads friend mostly and she had a son and two daughters. well me and her son hit it off really well. we spent as much time as we could together. he even spent nights with me when i couldnt go to his house. he was amazing. in the mean time haley couldnt handle being at her house while i was gone and she was so much a part of my family that she stayed at my house a lot when i was gone. i didnt find this out until about 2 years later but when my mom was at work one night while she was staying at my house my moms boyfriend came on to her. he told her that if she said anything to anyone he would just deny it and make her life a living hell. so she never said anything not even to me. things got a little heated between me and my dads friends son. and then things started to change. he wouldnt really talk to me anymore and he never really wanted to hang out with me so as you can imagine i felt horrible. to be continued...

how is it that i try not to get in the middle of this situation between you two and yet here i am talking to both of you because neither one of you are mature enough to actually talk? how is it that i hate her so much and yet im the link between you both? how is it that she can ask me about you and try to talk to me when in the begining she called me the home wrecker? how is it that it seems like my fault for being there from the start? how does this shit happen??