Holy fucking hell. 8 months into living here and nothings changed. things just keep getting worse. all i want is to be fucked up all the time. what the hell am i going to do. i feel like i could spiral out of control and no one would notice. I want to be happy. I want to be able to take care of myself. I want nate to be happy. I want him to go to school and do what he wants. I want to have a baby. I want to have a normal fuckin life and its not happing. theres nothing but fear and hate and everything that i was trying to get away from. i cant go to school because of how fucked up i was when i tried to do it the first time. i dont have the money to actually take steps in the right direction. i dont know what to do. i am sooo lost. i feel like i have no one. well not actually. i have nate.. but i know he gets tired of being my rock sometimes. i dont blame him. hes just as miserable as i am. god i am so stupid. why the hell did i make him move like this. i thought we would be happy. pfft i was so wrong. we could go to washington.. we could go back to alabama..we could try to go back to fallon.. but all those places suck. theres nothing. we are so stuck. we have nothing. we have nothing to live on. we cant do anything because neither one of us can find a job. i feel so lost. i have no one who i can talk to without them telling me what to do. i miss my friends. i miss having some sort of fun. i havent had fun sober in so long its scary. god all i want is to be numb to everything. i think i can make that happen... thats my only happiness. besides when nates having a good day. im just rambling now... i think im gonna go...