It still bothers me. After all this minutes, hours, days, weeks and years, it still hits me closer to home then anything I have ever felt in my entire life. It's so damn confounding on how I can have something that happened 13 years ago still effect me as if I was going through it as a 14 year old kid. I can't fathom why I still hold on to it and not let it go. Well not exactly let it go, but let it become part of my past, something that I can look back on and hope that it made me stronger. But instead I become a walking bit of jelly when it comes to this time of year. I snip at those closest to me. And so I pull away from them, trying not to yell and hurt them because I want people to hurt with me and I don't understand why they aren't. I do this and I get flack for it. All my coping mechanisms have become something bad if you look at them closely I guess. I've tried to drop the worst ones...so can't I just have this one for myself? Just this one thing so I don't have to worry about hurting anyone else? I just want to forget the day exists, but the more I try, the harder I feel it. I miss my Dad. I'm a bit wussy baby when it comes to it. I cry if I tell the story, I cry when I think about him and all the time I missed with him. All the things I SHOULD have gotten to do with him. I have this hatred for the fact he left me, and I miss him. And I miss what I didn't get to have. I'm selfish and horrible when it comes to this, and I'll admit it. I haven't coped with his death like I should have. I didn't back then, and I haven't yet. But I'm trying. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.