Fuck everything. Seriously. No. Whatever that's happening is horrible. So horrible it's going to hurt everyone. I know it is. It's all going to end badly. And I don't want it to, so I want everything to stop. But, then again, I don't. The mutual feeling is nice, and getting butterflies from it is nice, but it's bad at the same time. Really, man? What brought this on so suddenly? What are we doing? Fuck life, Fuck my parents, Fuck school, Fuck most of the people in the world, Fuck you. Male. I honestly don't give a shit right now. I don't care how you feel towards what's going on. I already let you know that a lot was going on and I wasn't ready for anything. No. I don't need your help, I'm getting through it. And another thing, you don't say anything whenever I do try to let you in on my life. It's just, "Hmm. I don't know what to say." Then don't fucking ask? Sorry? And don't doubt me. It's pushing me away even more. Don't. Doubt. Me. I'd rather not be serious. Parents. I wish you would kick me out already. I don't like being trapped. I don't like being pressured. I don't like anything that goes on in our home. Sorry to say this, I'm growing up. I'm growing up and sadly I'm not becoming what you wanted in a perfect daughter. I'm the complete opposite. But that's just how I am. Medicine isn't going to help me. No one thinks so.

I'm sickly. Cold and cough. Turns out Tyler has it too. Hah. I told him, "You gave me your cough over the phone." And he said he was sorry. Silly. I'm going to the doctor in a few. Hopefully it's nothing serious. It probably isn't. But I'm sort of leaning towards it being my bronchitis coming back to haunt me. That stuff hurt. Oh well. We'll see. Tyler and I had a long talk yesterday. We're going to see each other soon. He's a great guy. I like him a lot. The only thing that's getting me is that some of the things he says reminds me of Harry. Bad? Yes. Like I said. I'm getting over it. Tyler's pretty amazing :) -------- March 3rd/4th :))) I met him. He's adorable. All thanks to Nina. I was talking to her about him and she asked me if I had met him yet. And I said I didn't. She told me to call him. I did. I talked to him for a couple of minutes and then Nina said she wanted to talk to him. She talked to him a bit and then asked him if he thought I was cute, he said yes. She asked him if he had met me yet. He said no. She asked if he would like to meet me. And he said of course. She then said, "How about tonight?" My face- :O -> :D We drove about 45 minutes. We met him and his friend Shawn. We drove on back roads listening to music and just talking about stuff. And he gave me butterflies :) Nina told him that whenever we wanted to hang out we could. She would just need gas money sometimes. It was cool with all of us. And it made me extremely happy. I had been awake for so many hours. No sleep. At all. Reasons? A lot going on. Me, Nina and Andrew. We hadn't slept in a while. I'd been with them for most of it. We went through it together. March 4th/5th I was the most grumpy person ever. Nina noticed. Andrew noticed. Nina said I wasn't Maleeha. I said, "I know." It's because I was so tired. My body was. My mind was racing. I'd been quiet most of the time. March 5th/6th I met Andrew's little brothers. Zach/Zack and Keenan [I'm assuming that's how you spell their names]. Keenan is the most adorable little kid I've seen in a long time. 12 years old. And he's shorter than me. He was quiet most of the time. Probably because he was observing us. Nina said he reminded her of Andrew. And I saw it too. Nina, Andrew and I were all so tired. We just needed sleep. And this time we were tired out of our minds. We were just like, "I want to lay down and never get up." In the last 72 hours we all had 4 hours of sleep. Total. When I got home. I talked to Tyler for a little bit. I realized it was Saturday and was so happy I slept for 10 hours. I still need more. And I'm probably going to crawl back into bed after I update this thing. I feel bad for Nina and Andrew because they have to work. Andrew's working two jobs and Nina's starting her new one. I'm happy for her. Andrew's working super hard for the both of them. I'm pretty sure I get to see Tyler tonight :) I'm excited. Nina said, "forsure." I said, "I love you." More sleep, here I come.

Been a while. My bad. I had a chance to hang out with Tyler yesterday but he didn't answer my text so I assumed he was sleeping after a long night. And I ended up hanging out with Nina for a tiny bit. And I felt stupid because when I told him he said that I could've called him, he wouldn't have cared. Damn. So I tried to get the car today so I could go see him, but dad, of course, said no. Like always. Because he can't make up his goddamn mind. I told him, "I don't get you." and walked off. But according to my mom he thought I said, "I hate you." Cool, dad. Put me in more trouble. I yelled, cried, yelled some more at my mom about how I don't like that he's a hypocrite, how he puts words into my mouth, how he can NEVER make up his mind, how he thinks he always knows what's best for me, and how he in general sucks. And this has been going on for a few days. I told Tyler about it and he said, "That sucks. Well, we'll figure out another day." And I said, "Definitely." :] I can't wait to finally meet him. Nina and Andrew come pick me up every night and we go back to her place to just chill, watch a movie, and/or eat. I love it. Nina's the best cook I know. Nina's taking a trip to Florida with Andrew so I won't be able to see them for a couple of days. Which sucks because I got used to seeing them every night. Nina and I had a heart to heart yesterday and she almost cried. And we weren't talking about her. We were talking about me, and how I don't stand up to things that really matter and how I let people control me. Nina really cares. I love that about her. And then Andrew joined in and said the same things as her. If I could build my own family, they'd be the first people to be in it. Nina being my older sister. More than that actually. She's my role model. And then Andrew being that older brother I've always wanted; brother in law actually :P soon. He just needs to propose. I love them to death. And they're always there for me. They've seen me at my worse and they brought me back from it. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

I've never felt so alive, fueled by adrenaline I'll carry you with me. Move move move move! Go go go go! 3 hours of sleep. Reasoning behind that: Boy. I don't mind it though, 6 months of just talking to him online, I needed to talk to him over the phone some day before I met him. And I loved it. I was silly. He was silly. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He's been there for me over the 6 months I've known him. And I've been there for him. One of my best friends. I can honestly say if there was anything to happen between us, I don't think it would jeopardize our friendship. Which is good. There's a connection. We just need to meet soon. And we're planning on it. Over the phone, we talked about everything. About his former girl. about paranormal stuff, about taking a trip to Australia together, and England [for real, he looked up prices], how I don't like cherry, just..anything. I had to pee and I told him that I did, and he said that I should go ahead, he didn't mind. And I said that I might feel a bit awkward because it's the first time I'm talking to him on the phone. He said it didn't matter, he does it on the phone all the time. So I liked how he made everything comfortable, you know? When you feel a bit off and uncomfortable talking to someone and they end up fixing that almost instantaneously. That was him. And then my phone died. If this seems like I'm moving on too quickly. I'm not. Rob didn't last long but a few days.

So I don't think things are working out the way I thought they would. I don't like Rob as much as I thought I did. And I don't think he likes me as much as I thought either. So it's just..kind of there right now. We're not together. And we don't do anything. We just talk like before all that happened. I guess it's best this way. I wouldn't want to jeopardize our friendship.

Rob amazes me. 3 years of being great friends and he completely stunned me on Tuesday. I wasn't expecting it. It's not that I didn't like it. I liked it a lot actually. I ended up thinking about whatever happened the whole day. And when I did, I'd get butterflies. Then he stunned me Wednesday too. Thursday. Today, as well. I wasn't expecting this at all. But I like it. I think I've always had a tiny crush on him ever since I met him and got to know him. I just didn't go for it. I don't know. I didn't think he liked me....Well, I thought wrong. Problem. Brittney still likes him. She mentions him SO much in her notes to me. And when Rob ended things with her, she was a wreck. And she thinks he ended things with her for me. And at the time, I let her know that it couldn't have been. People kept thinking that there was something going on between me and him. When there wasn't. And this was a month ago. More than a month ago. And then. Tuesday happened. So for me being with him, that makes me a bad friend? But he was the one that made the move. But I let him. I need to talk to Rob about this. I really do. Because I don't want to hurt Brittney. I don't want to hurt Rob and I don't want to get hurt..again. So I thought I wouldn't be able to get over Harry. I'm getting there. I'm doing it. I'm getting over him. Slowly..but I am. Because my feelings for Rob aren't super strong yet. But they're there. It's a giddy feeling. 'Cause I can talk to him about nonsense. And he does the same with me. And we listen to each other. About anything. We mess with each other and play fight and just random things we do, they're great. Whenever we hang out, I can be myself around him. Like completely myself and not worry about what he'll say, because I feel comfortable with him. And now that I think about it, I really can see myself being with him for a long time if everything works out. Just cause, you know? But I'm trying not to get my hopes up so quickly.

I sort of hate the fact I get so worked up about something, let everything out, and then feel horrible about it later. I don't know why. I can't take back what I said. And everyone's telling me to let this go. I'm trying. I'm getting there. I'll probably end up apologizing later. Just so I'm not hated. I don't know. I don't like how this is going. I wish I could fix everything. And go back 3 months. No, how about a year? I've changed. I'm a hypocrite. And I hate it. I absolutely hate that I am something I despise. I know I have changed. I'm only hurting myself now. Everything I'm doing now is going to hurt me in the future. I know it. But I'm just doing it. I'm letting anything and everything happen. Because I just don't care anymore. That's a lie. I do care. But it's about everything else other than myself. So let's put it this way. I don't care what I do to myself. But I care about what I do to others. Does that make sense? I hope so. Take me away. Please. To Neverland. Just so I can be away from all this bullshit.

Did you mean to send this to someone else? ...Really. And you know what? I actually DO care. I don't really know why you told me that either. Apparently you just want to piss me off. Because you win. You pissed me off. And she probably doesn't like you. She did stuff with you just to do it. Was that bitchy? Yeah. I'm sorry. You sort of drove me to it. Why you think I don't care, I don't know. I'm not like you. I don't move on as quickly as you. So when you do say shit like that it actually does hurt. ^if that pisses you off, deal. Because you pissed me off. Thanks for hurting me again.

Like Cameron said, "What a dick." Honestly. And yet you still gave me butterflies. And a hug? Why?

So, I'm 17! Since yesterday, ha. I'm glad I am. So what are things I can do when I'm 17? I know 16 wasn't so much fun because it had restrictions. But 17? Yeah. I know I can move out, and drop out of school. But I don't want to drop out of school. And I'm not going to. As for the moving out, I need the money and a place. Karoline already told me that I could stay with her if I did move out. And Nina and Andrew are going to get a place together in June or July and they said I should move in with them when that happens. I think it'd be great. Nina's back from Florida. And I can't tell you how happy I am. Almost a year since I've seen her. She came to my school on Wednesday. Leah came and got me out of class and I don't know how to thank her for that. I cried from being so happy. It didn't feel like I actually saw Nina. It felt like a dream. Like..it was too good to be true. But it was. It was for real. I really did see her. I really did get to hug her again. She was in front of me smiling at me. I missed her so much. She asked me what I was doing after school. And I said I don't think I'm doing anything. She said that she would pick me up and take me home. And I told her that it'd be an amazing idea. We went to the mall and hung out with Andrew, her boyfriend. I haven't seen him in almost a year also. The last time I saw both of them was on April 21st. She told me that Andrew was thinking of proposing to her. And they're talking about marriage and everything. Nina asked me if I wanted to be the maid of honor. I accepted. :] Nina wanted to see me for my birthday. And I said that it could happen if I snuck out. I did. And she came and got me. I spent about 3 hours with her and Andrew. Singing, being foolish, driving, being happy, reminiscing. I just wish my parents would let me see her. So many accusations against her have kept me away from her for so long. My parents blamed everything on her. Which was not true. Nina is someone I look up to more than anyone. She's my older sister. My role model. I want to be strong and independent like her. She's taught me how to look at things from a different perspective. She's taught me how things really can be and how things are and how to deal with it. She's taught me how to be stronger. Physically and emotionally. If that isn't what you need to be in life, I don't know what I should be. My parents are crazy. I appreciate Nina for everything she has done for me. I'm so glad I met her.

Things have been getting better. Not great..but better than before. I told him how I felt about whatever happened. And I just totally blew up on him. My message to him was full of anger and provocation/accusation and pleading. He got mad, but he didn't blow up on me like I did to him. Which makes him a better person than myself. But I apologized for doing so. And he said he understood. We're friends, but I can't get over it. I won't be able to for a long time. Birthday's soon. I hope it's good.

You broke me. I didn't think you would. I didn't think you could. But you did.

You know, if you don't want to talk, you need to tell me so I don't seem like I'm annoying you or making a fucking fool out of myself. You can't keep ignoring me. And I absolutely hate that you do. If you do. I don't fucking know. I don't know what I did wrong. You keep saying, when you DO reply, that everything's fine. Apparently not, if you're not going to reply to my messages. Something is wrong. I'm doing something wrong. I can't figure out what it is unless you fucking tell me. I haven't seen you in weeks. And it just seems like you don't fucking care. It feels like you're pulling me along with you and not looking back one time to see how I'm doing. Yet, I'm following you. Yet I'm falling for you. YOU JUST DON'T CARE, DO YOU? Not like you used to. I wish you did. I just wish that I could relive those two months of bliss with you. Before stupid fucking Christmas break. And now it's 2010. Your birthday is soon. My birthday, 3 days after. Please fix this, I've been trying. You haven't. I'll tell you now. You really haven't been trying as much as I have. Yeah, we don't fucking date. But we might as well. God, man. I love you so much. Why can't you just understand that? Why can't you just love me back just as much? What do I have to do to make you happy? I'm trying. I really am. I just need you to see that I'm trying. If you break this off, I'll be mess. Do you not remember the words you said a month ago? "I fucking love you so much that if we don't talk after highschool, I won't be the same. We're going to live together whether you want to or not." <- I'd love that. I'd really love to be with you for that long. I really would. Just please fix this. Please.

My dream consisted of the right guy this time. And it was him and I talking online. And I mean, it was like before, he was happy and started talking to me and I talked to him back. He asked me where I had been since we hadn't talked for a while. And I exploded saying, "Where have YOU been, man?! I've been trying to talk to you for days now and I never got a reply." He said, "I never got any messages from you but I was grounded so I wasn't near a computer." My computer would keep fucking up. And shut down by itself. So by the time I got back on, he got off.So I called him. And I told him that I wanted to start the new year off with him. And he said the same. But he said, "How?" And I asked him if he'd be at home for New Year's Eve. And he said, "Yeah." And I said that we should just meet. Halfway, like we first met. And he said okay. I was on the phone with him until he got halfway to the halfway point [make sense?] and then I hung up and ran. I ran without a coat and shoes. I was in my pjs. I didn't care. I ran and we met up halfway, which is in front of the park. [That's how we first met too. He was walking, and I was running towards him :P] He was wearing a jacket, and jeans and his Nikes. I looked up at him and we could hear everyone in their homes starting to count down. 10...9...8...7...6...I got close to him and held his hand. 5...4...3,...I let go of his hand and I reached up and put my arms around his neck while he put his arms around me. 2...he lifted me up. 1...I looked at him and smiled. "Happy New Year" we both said together. And we kissed. I woke up.And cried. So that made me think. What if he's busy? Or what if he's grounded? I wouldn't find it fair for him though since it was New Years Eve. I don't know. I thought to myself, "What if I called him and just wished him a happy new year? That way I'd get to talk to him and ask him about whatever's going on." I asked Maria if it was a good idea. She said it is. So wish me luck on 12:00am :] I'll be grateful. Sam might be coming over tomorrow. I'm excited about that. If she comes over we can hang out with a couple of my friends and also meet my guy. Heh. And Nina delivered news that got me crying. I had called her last night and she picked up and said, "Maleeha! Babe, guess what..little sister, oh my god, guess what." And I said, "I don't know what, tell meee." and she said, "I'm going to be able to see you on your birthday!" and I squealed. And Nina said, "You wanna know how?" and I said, "Yeah yeah!" and she said, "'Cause I'm moving back, babe." I squealed, again. I get to see my Nina again. 2010, please be amazing.

I'm being as patient as I can. But I don't know how much I can hold in anymore. 4 days seems like forever. And I hate this distance you're building.. can it just be that it's break and you're busy? Or is it that you've lost interest in me? I want to gain your interest back. Tell me what I should do, please. I don't want to lose you. You're the best thing that's happened to me. You've made me happy, ecstatic. I can't exactly describe how I feel about you. But my feelings are strong. I love you. I love you so much that...I can't say. I absolutely hate the fact I can't see you. I absolutely hate the fact we haven't talked in a while. I just hate not hearing your voice. I miss you. And it feels like you don't care. Not anymore at least. 3 months. Can't we keep going, please? I'll do anything you want just to fix what's distancing us. I'll do anything. Just tell me. I don't want to lose you. I really don't.

This feels like the worst nightmare ever. Please, please, please take me back to 3 weeks ago so I can find my mistake. What did I do?

If I could look at you and tell you how much you mean to me. If I could just grab your face in my hands and tell you how much I love you. If I could let you know that I'm going to be here for you whenever you need me. If I could just see you.. I would. But I can't. I don't know what you might think. I don't know what you might say. I'm afraid, honestly. I don't want to hear anything that might break my heart again. I don't want to screw this up. Not again. If I am doing something wrong, I want to know because I'll do everything in my power to fix it. Everything. I'm falling for you. I'm not going to deny that. I've thought about it and thought about it and I can conclude now that I am without any doubt. So yeah. I'm falling for you. Fast. I haven't felt like this. And I didn't think I could feel like this. But apparently I can and I am. And I'm scared to ask how you feel.. My heart jumps whenever I hear your voice. Or see you. And I try not to look and sound stupidly excited when I talk to you. But I am. Just know that. Just know that you make me feel like I'm worth something. Just know that I'll give my all to see you happy. Just know that I love you. And you're my favorite guy in the world.

So it's been a while. About a month and a some days. Hah :P I've been meaning to update. I just haven't found the time. And that's always my excuse. But it's the truth. I've been so stressed out over school and family issues lately it's hard for me to think about anything. I finally broke down Thursday in front of my Pre Cal teacher, who's my favorite teacher, by the way. Because of him I'm actually passing math with an A. Wow, huh? But when I did break down, what triggered it was the fact he gave us an assignment that I totally could not focus on. My mind was everywhere. I read the pages over and over and over again and I still didn't understand it. I attempted to try working the problems out and I couldn't. I felt stupid. So stupid and I was afraid to ask him for help. I don't exactly know why because I usually do ask my teacher for help, and that's what you would do right? I don't know what stopped me. And when I did ask him, I started crying. He told me to calm down and breathe. I did. And then later on in class he said, "Maleeha, can I have a chat with you outside for a bit?" And usually that would happen if someone was in trouble. Either way, I followed him outside and he got me to calm down. And said, "Just relax..breathe, this happens, and don't ever hesitate to come ask for help. And uhm..please don't cry in my class ever again. It hurts to see students I care about depressed. I tend to tear up--Oh, don't tell anyone that. Everything will work out..and this is the part of the conversation where if I wasn't a teacher, I'd give you a little hug. But I can't do that because it's illegal, so here's a little pat on the back for ya." It made me smile and I did calm down. I got the permission request form for attending Southside next year. I'm actually thinking about not going there, but going to the school I'm originally assigned to. Mauldin. Most people think it's for a boy. Not exactly. Even though the boy I like goes there. I mean, it'd be nice if I got to see him more, you know? But yeah. First reason is that my parents don't like Southside at all. We've gotten into so many arguments over the three years I 've been at Southside. Maybe if I finally switch schools, I might get a phone? Maybe? Let's see. Second reason is that I came to Southside because they are really the best school academically. They have more AP and IB classes. I was supposed to be in the IB program and I am, sort of, but I don't have any IB or AP classes because I screwed up last year. I only have honors classes. And I can take Anatomy and Physiology there..I've been missing out on that for the past three years. Pissed me off. I'm seriously considering switching. But anyhow. Boy. Lovely boy. Amazing boy. Makes my heart sing, dance, and fly. We've been talking for 2 months and some days now. And never have I been so happy. <3 My update for now, I'll try and update soon. Ciao.

I wish I knew you better. I wish I wasn't shy to talk to you. I can't believe this is happening. I'm praying night and day for you to get better and walk into school the next day with a smile on your face like you always do. Even though I don't know you as well as others, I care about you just as much as they do. You're such a nice and sweet person. One of the nicest and sweetest I've met. Why I was so shy to talk to you I don't know. But when you grabbed my hand and said, "We should talk more." I agreed. Now that I look back and think about those words. I don't know what to feel. I'm numb. Don't go. Please. You can make it. Everyone's praying for you. You're a strong person. You can make it. I'm praying like crazy. Something I don't do often. You're important to so many people. You've effected so many people. Come back, dear. I miss you. Even if we didn't talk much, I miss seeing you around school. Come back. Please.

I saw him today :D And my god. He is adorable in person too. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together, more like about 45 minutes..but the 45 minutes we DID spend together made me like him even more. He does the cutest things. And those cute things made my stomach flutter. I can't explain how nervous I was. So nervous. I thought I was going to get caught meeting him. You know what? I think it would've been worth seeing him. But I didn't get caught and I'm happy about that. Hopefully we figure out ways to see each other. I am one happy person.