Oh dear Lord. How much has changed. My love and I have been together for over two years now. We've moved in together and actually made our first adult buy yesterday. Hes the sweetest man in the world. He still has his struggles but he goes above and beyond when he knows I'm not at my best. I really don't know where Id be with out this man in my life. I doubt I would have pursued my doctoral degree with out him.. He has so much faith in me, sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve that man's love.. Anywho - life is amazing, it has its ups and downs but there less daunting when I have him by my side.

I've dated my beloved for almost 9 months now, and I truly believe he's the man of my dreams and beyond. With his flaws and all, he's perfect to me. He's gone through such rough times and all I want to do is take those times away. And when I make him smile, for a split second I accomplish my goal. He's my love, my everything. I just hope he knows I want him to be my future too.

Today wraps up my first semester as a grad student. Ultimately I have learned and have gone through a lot this semester/year. There has been a whirlwind of hurt but some outstanding times that saved me. Honestly, my parents divorce hurt me and crippled me like no other. I always looked at others and wondered how they could drop out of school due to family and life things, I have learned that although I pride myself on not judging others, that I truly judged. I have never faltered in my future goals until this semester. I wanted to run away and never look back again because my world was falling apart. But a few factors saved me, the love and support from my family, friends, and loved ones. I started the year with a wonderful friend group that although sometimes led me astray truly loved me and supported me. Sadly, distance and being in different places in life that friend group fell away. But God was there to save me and gave me a hobby to look forward to, pool. With that hobby, I met my beautiful and amazing significant other. He has changed my views on love, marriage, and future. I think about him, and I find such peace. I think that peace comes from something deeper than myself, more like the Holy Spirit, and although the relationship is very young it outshines so much in my life. It sounds crazy, but I would leave all my goals behind to start a future with this man. But the best thing of all, is that he wouldn't let me. He wants me to achieve everything I have set out for myself in life and more. He wants to me to achieve my goals and what once I defined as my happiness. Its funny to me, because I've already found my happiness. Its the life I've been given, the family I have, him, and most of all God. We'll see how all of this goes, but at this point I can honestly say that I am content with the life I lead and what my future brings.

Things have been unreal over the past couple of months. My world has been shattered and re-done and shattered and redone again, everything on repeat. Today a part of it finalizes. My parents are divorced. I understand that I am a 22-year old adult and these things happen. I have accepted it in every way possible. But I cannot tell my inner child to be quiet, and to stop yelling in my head "Daddy, don't go. Come back, please". This is what is killing me, the fact that I want to keep my family together just for the sake of being together. They were my foundation... as a family. Now they have to be my foundation apart. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to deal with that... I just want to cry in bed and not get out. Again, not the adult thing to do... but its what I would like to do. I feel like it would be a lot better than zombie-ing my way through my life at the moment. But on the other hand I have found love, and faith again. So that will get me through my tough times, right? I actually just hope... since I'm really close to an edge I never wanted to see again.

I think I royally messed up. I'm not sure what to do at the moment. I

Today has been so absolutely different. Well last night was unexpected, but I felt things that I cannot explain. Butterflies and just feelings. Like no lie, I want to try this. Start over, feel something new, even if it hurts. I feel like i have life again, feelings, light. Its fantastic. If words could describe right now, I don't even think i could.

Things are beyond rough right now. I'm not sure what is up and what is down anymore. Its hard. I don't know whats me and what is not. I'm feeling such a mess but I have no one to talk to about it. If I do, its my fault for being too nice, for having too much on my plate, for whatever reason. It falls on my shoulders.

Let my just spill my guts. Its been a very long time since I've done that. Well as of Fall semester, I've come out as a lesbian and then bisexual. I am currently dating the guy I lost my virginity to (and honestly, I don't think its going anymore but I'm too much of a chicken to do it), and my parents are getting a divorce. Oh hey - yeah. That happened. Let me start from the beginning. Identifying. Weirdest process ever. I don't know why the fuck its such a struggle though. I'm still currently battling self acceptance though. But I feel better, not broken anymore. And I really don't digust myself anymore, well most of the time I don't. Kinda just need to learn how to live and not worry about others. I feel like I've gone in the right direction though. Divorce. Yeah - I'm not dealing with it now. My father has found another woman, and wants to leave us. Granted I'm 21 and I shouldn't give a literal fuck. But I do. I hurt for my mom though. I really do. She gave that man 26 years of her life, all her work experience, she had breast cancer and has no breasts to speak of, and he leaves because he doesn't love her? That ruins a person. It really does. And I hate it. I almost hate him, until I see him. But what does it matter, eh. Anywho - now onto positive things. I have things to look forward to, graduation, teaching a pledge class, making an impact on the LGBTQ community? It is amazing. Absolutely grand.

Its been a hoot since fall semester. Not sure where to start. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, something remarkable happened. As an ex and I were rekindling our relationship something has been lost - no reason for it either. This is something we both realized last night and now I'm here. Feeling a little concerned for myself - something that I haven't learned is how to be in a relationship. I'm not good at them, but have I honestly wasted 4-5 years with him and still not realized I'm not compatible with other people. It seems so silly to think of myself of starting from zero at 21... I know a lot of other people struggle with it at 50 or 60 or what ever... But where do I go from here? That's my real question.

I done goofed. For some reason, I kissed her. No real reason other than she was in my face being upset because I wasn't being as playful as I usually was - I was coming off my wonderful drunk buzz - great right? Yeah, but apparently, I wasn't thinking very straight. I kissed her and she said "NOT IN PUBLIC" - I expected "what the fuck?" or "Dont kiss me, I have a girlfriend" - not, "not in public". Then we talked about it - all she said "You kissed me in front of a shit ton of people". She seemed more worried about others than you the fact that i kissed her. What ever though, I'm going to see her for the first time since then - and I'm just nervous, and excited. BLAH. It'll be alright, its always alright.

That could have been one of the best dreams I've had in a while. Dayum. I just wish she was mine

Is it better to be quiet and lock things up, or just explode and just let the water flow? I really don't know anymore. I'm looking for outlets because I cannot, I repeat CANNOT, keep it inside. I need to talk about it. I really do. But no one listens or wants to understand. Any guy friend just looks at me and says, you just haven't had good "sex". Any girl friend just looks and judges, or just wants to get off the topic. And I'm not dissing my friends. I'm definitely not. Just dammit. I need someone I could just be honest with. I don't want to hold back anymore. Its not just feelings, its thoughts. Most of all its thoughts. I want to know that its okay that I'm like this. Actually, I want to know if I am. God, I think I'm right. But FUCK would that turn everything around. I'd use this to let everything go; but as much as I'd like to say feedback is unnecesary, it is. Fucking AAAAAAA. Rant done. Back to the internal struggle.

The world is spinning and I'm losing my footing. I don't know what is up and what is down. The life I grew up knowing and trying to achieve has been swept from under me. I always wanted to be a mother, maybe not get married. But a mother none the less; my actions, words, feelings, and thoughts have turned that into mush. I know there are other ways; adoption, invitro, etc. But its not how I thought things would come about. Its funny though, how this happened. Especially since I have no one to lean on. No one to talk to about my stress, my thoughts, my feelings. All I feel is a consistent knot in my chest. I've got no one to comfort me. I'm just lost. So damn lost.

So things have changed. Maybe not for the best. I still want to be with you, like no other. But you've got someone else. I've put it as my priority to not disrespect what you have, but that doesn't make me want you any less. I just wish you could see that I have potential. I really have not liked someone this much in a while, and I just wish I could show you that. I'm not saying, jump on my boat and be mine; I'm saying let me be your friend that you can confide to. But then again, I really don't know how to be a friend. I've never really been good at it. But I swear I can try. For you, yeah, I'd try anything. Scary, but true.

Well fuck, fuck, fuck. Adam and I broke up, correct? Correct. Well that was a while ago. Things that have happened since. -Regionals I met Jacob. He was absolutely wonderful. He came down to see me from another state, and everthing went well. This was great. I thought I had a shot, but he just dropped me. He was too busy and I can see that. But I think he doesn't like me as much as he says he does. -Spring break. I kissed a family friend's son. We've had this not so serious thing going on on the weekends. And it isn't all too bad. But the summer is coming up and its around the corner and we had said we'd talk about maybe making it serious. Gf/bf style. I say no. -Beach weekend. I was with the frat and got slightly intoxicated. I kissed a brother. I just craved a warm body. But whatever. He asked me out on a date and we went. It was nice. And we kissed. But there was nothing else. It was like I was just going through the motions. -Ex boyfriend. I met up with him this weekend, and when we were together we were fine. Great actually. All the feelings came back. But the moment I got to Clemson. Gone. That's not right, ya know. So there's no potential there. -Now there's Chestley. No. -Russian grad. No -Danielle. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. She came out of the blue. So obviously, I've been playing the field. Right? Yes. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who wanted to know my every move, thought, action, everything. He didn't trust me. And well, what ever. It just wasnt all that great. So I was planning on being single and just playing the field. Well, here is Danielle. I've had a crush on her since I met her, so since last semester while I was pledging. But the great thing was that I wasn't pursuing it. Right? Just look and feel, but dont touch. That was my stance on it. But she was a serious instigator on that front. Any who, now that I was single, she seemed like she wanted to hang out. ESPECIALLY since she bitched me out for breaking up with my ex when she was plastered. So we hung out, flirted. It was great. Then one of her roommate's girlfriend told me that she was seeing someone. I backed off. Which was good. Ya know, I try to be good. But we flirt on Monday. And I slip up. I made a comment and called her cute. And instead of backing down and playing it off (which was probably what I should have done), I ended up telling her I liked her. Awesome right? No. We hung out last night. Now that shit was fucking amazing. But she kept pushing me away and then back. I was confused. Especially since I asked her about girl and she told me things were rough and that her girl had cheated on her. I , being blind and ridiculously distracted, thought that meant they were no longer together. At least for a bit. Heh. No. And she told me this in the middle of hanging out. Now what I should have done was walk away. But no, I was hooked. Gah, it was just a crush. But the moment I kissed her and touched her, it was so much more. I'm hooked. I told her I'd go with the flow, what ever she wanted. And I mean I will. But it would have been easier if it was just a crush. Now I can't get her out of my head and I just want to see her. Just see her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Well, at least I realized that I am dropping everyone else, but her. I'm not "taken", still free as a bird; but she's somewhere I'd love to come back to. I would have a relationship with her. For real. Crazy, maybe. But its okay. I just gotta stick through this. I'd rather fall for her, and her not catch me; than having someone fall for me and me not catching them.

After two years of being with Adam. I've called it quits. Feelings inside of me are still there. I see him or he touches me, my body aches to be with him. But its not the same. What's changed? I was madly inlove with him. I read my past posts, and I see how much I loved him. How much I cared? How do I get all of that back? And why did it leave? He is a good man. He loves me andd is willing to stand by me through anything. Am I just scared of the commitment? Could that be it? Once I realize its serious, I freak? If that's it, then I need to ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why am I not happy? I have everything I wanted? Where is my joy anyore? Again I say, I feel broken. Like I need to runaway and start over again. But why? I've got school, classes, friends, brothers, family, and a man who loves me. Why am I not happy? What is just not clicking in my head? What do I even want? Cause see that doesnt make sense either. I want to be free, but I dont want to be alone. I want to care but then I dont. I want someone to love me, but then I dont. I legitimately need to revaluate myself. And pronto.

Sit diary reaopening could not have come at a better time. Aah, I needed this. Get ready for me to spill in the next 24 hours about everything.

Sometimes I really need to remember this thing is around to help me out. Well, its the end of the semester and Its 3 in the morning. Im trying to finish a term paper, four pages, single spaced. Wonderful, eh. Not really. A lot has happened though. Recently, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and its been really hard for the family. I'll spare details, but a lot of medical mistakes were made. And I wanna kill a doctor. Hopefully I never meet the son of a bitch. Everything is slightly better now though. We've all accepted it and we're trying to do our best to deal with the situation. Its hard dealing with it alone though. I'm so far away from the family that sometimes I feel like I'm not part of it. But now that the semester is coming to an end, there will be time to remedy that. Right? Other than that, I've felt broken. Two weeks ago i had appendicitis and had to take my appendix out. An appendectomy they call it. And yeah, that was all fine and dandy. But now my tummy hurts again, and I KNOW its not my appendix, cause I don't have one. With all the troubles we've been having at the house, I decided not to tell my parents. Now I'm thinking it was a very very very bad move. Hopefully its nothing serious. Hopefully I didnt screw up. And hopefully they understand. Maybe?

Its been two weeks since college as started And, I love it. I really do. Even though it may be one of the scariest things I'll ever go through by myself, I feel like i'm finding and learning about myself in a way that i never have before. I'm learning to be independent, truly independent. Feeding myself, keeping my place clean, managing my time, things like that. Its a wonderful, yet lonely feeling. Even though my family is always by my side and I'll always have my boyfriend, I constantly feel like I'm facing this alone. But that's the beauty of it, because I'll learn how strong I am, and I'll learn my weaknesses and my strengths.

Some days you realize... That you're completely, utterly, and hopelessly in love. It's not every day because normally you take it for granted and sometimes you don't even think about it much. You don't actually sit there and think about the relationship, you just know you love them and they're with you. But some days, it hits you. You feel it in every fiber of your being. You feel like you're incomplete, as cliche as that sounds. But there's an ache, a desire, a want in your chest and it's calling out for one person. Not by name, but by feeling, heh or by heart. You just breathe in and feel this ache. But you know if you followed this ache, it'd lead you to this person. And everything you see or hear or even think is related to this person. And you smile or frown at whatever memory that came to mind. But that's wonderful, because even if its a bad memory, the aching of your chest settles for a bit.... that's how you know you got the right person. Or you're on the right track to filling that ache, or emptiness. But then you think of when that ache started, and you realize that it moment, the second, the milisecond, the nanosecond, they stopped holding you. The moment they turned to walk away. The moment you knew they were leaving. In the split second the pain started and you were frantically trying to hold on. To not let them leave, and its not even because of the pain because in that moment you're not thinking about that. All you're thinking about is them. Them leaving, them being there, them. JUST them. And the moment they're gone, the moment you don't feel them anymore, all you're longing for is to grab their attention, to speak to them. That you're family is wonderful, even with all their ups and all their downs. That you can spend a whole day, sitting outside and spending time with them. With out wanting to kill them and wanting them to shut up. You realize you don't want to leave and that you'll actually miss them. Heh, I guess I've been very thoughtful today.