so pretty much.. i didn't break up with william. like i've been saying i will for weeks now. but for some reason i just can't seem to make myself do it.. i mean.. everyone keeps telling me that i can do so much better.. and that i should date so'n'so. but.. damn. i don't know. there's just something that doesn't seem right about that..? it's weird. and it probably sounds really stupid.. it probably is really stupid. you know.. things shouldn't be this damn complicated. it really pisses me off. it shouldn't be confusing.. you either like him or you don't. you wanna be with him or you don't. you love him or you don't. but with william.. he's a complete jerk. and he pisses me off. really bad. like.. i hate his guts sometimes. but i care about him so much.. i think. like.. there's the guys that are really sweet.. and there's the guys that just know what to say to keep you from getting angry. to keep you around. and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. but with william.. he's both guys. sometimes he actually means the stuff he says. but other times he's just trying to keep me from getting pissed. of course i do anyway.. and of course none of my friends even come close to understanding me.. they all hate him. like seriously.. of course none of them know him either.. of course again that goes back to him being a horrible boyfriend and never showing up when he says he's going to. he may think about it. but he never actually comes. so why can't i seem to get rid of him? it's like.. even when we don't talk. when i'm mad at him. when he doesn't call me for a week. i think about him, i miss him, i wanna talk to him. even though i say i hate him and that i'm pissed off and i'm gonna end it and get it over with and nothing he says can change my mind. i mean it when i say it.. atleast i think i do. but then i see his name on the caller id. i hear his "hey sweetheart. i'm sorry i didn't get to call you." bring on the excuses. a whole list of them. for everything that he knew pissed me off. everything. then end it with "i miss so much. i have to see you." and kristin forgets the part where she hated him.. and starts.. liking? him again. i don't even like him.. i mean.. damn. the way i see it there's three things that could be going on here. maybe four. but the fourth i won't mention. 1) i've already lost one person forever and i don't wanna lose him too. see.. the whole zach thing.. really messed me up. like.. before zach i was the girl that didn't have a relationship last over 2 months.. if i felt the slighest bit of attachment from me or him i ended it. or changed and he ended it. if a guy told me he loved me.. didn't say it back, gave it a week or two, dumped him. never failed. and the one time i let my guard down. the one time he got the i love you too. the one time i was happy.. yea. didn't end so well. and the thing is.. william is part of the reason me and zach broke up. does it make me angry? a little. but surprisingly william was smart and saw how much of a jackass zach was before i did. crazy right? so i'm glad that it ended before it would have completely destroyed me.. even though it almost did. so now that i've completely lost zach(who used to be my best friend) i'm terrified of losing another friend. i can't do it. not gonna let it happen. 2) he's that safety zone that i get stuck in sometimes. so far he's the only guy that's even made an honest attempt to tear down that brick wall that i so carefully built back up after zach. of course he's also the only one that knows the entire story. beginning to end. he was there through it all. every night. for months. william listened to me talk about zach. the same way i had listened to him talk about nikki. then when me and zach broke up.. which was pretty much william's fault.. william was there for me. he even called zach a few times. which probably wasn't a good idea.. but hey. maybe i'm scared that if we break up i'll just be lonely.. even though i know that i won't be. i have my amazing friends that are there whenever/wherever. and i love them for it. so i won't be lonely. plus there's.. yea. that can't be it.. 3) i really truly care for him..