everytime i get something good i screw it up. i screwed up with zach. i've screwed up with my friends so many times i can't count. and i hate it. but now i'm screwing up again. and i hate it. but it's like i can't control it. i messaged zach on myspace the other day. and i know it's stupid. but it's soo hard. i mean.. we were so close for so long. and i trusted him and losing him like that just.. it killed me on the inside. and i think i've done a better job at hiding it than i realized. i didn't know i could ever hurt so bad. and i was reading all of my old messages and i ran across a few from him. the ones from before we were dating. just casual hey how are you. yea we need to hang out again. then the ones where he decided we should get back together.. and then the ones from while we were dating. the "i love you" "but i love you more" "no you don't." "i love you more x infinity x a billion x 1535846843185" and idk.. it made me laugh. just brought back those memories. and without thinking i messaged him. "so i got bored and i was reading old messages and i saw a few that made me laugh. but i just thought i'd say hey and see how you've been." and honestly i didn't think he would reply. i thought he hated me. but he did reply. and of course i felt really bad because i know exactly how i would feel if michael starting talking to his ex. so i told him the next morning. and i told him that if it bothers him i won't talk to zach and that i was sorry. and he said it was fine and that he trusts me. but you know how it is.. he was obviously a little worried. and i don't blame him at all. because i trust him but i'll admit.. it's pretty fxcking sketchy. and then i thought about it some more and the first time we dated he asked me out in may. the second time it was march. and now it's april. and the worst part.. both times that we dated i dumped the guy i was already dating because zach wanted me to date him. and i don't think michael knows that.. but he might. and i feel horrible because it's soo sketchy but i have absolutely no intention of anything happening with zach. nothing more than the occasional message on myspace. if that. so is it bad that i messaged him? my friends told me it was a bad idea. until i explained what i said and they said they would have done the same thing. and i'm still in shock that he actually messaged back. and i'm not gonna lie.. i've thought about what it would be like to have him back in my life. not necessarily as a boyfriend. just him being there for me like he used to be. and he told me that his parents are getting divorced.. and i found out that him and the girl he was dating broke up. and.. god i don't know. why is it so hard to just forget about people? i just feel horrible because michael is the better guy. is the guy that makes me smile. he's the guy that's kept all his promises. he's the guy that i care about. i'm dating michael. zach is the guy that i thought was the better guy. zach is the guy that i thought kept all his promises. zach is the guy that used to make me smile. he's the boy i thought i loved. and i thought he loved me too. but now i know that none of that is true. and i'm glad that i've realized that. because if i hadn't realized that i would hurt michael. and i would lose the better guy. and i don't wanna lose the better guy. because the better guy is the guy i wanna be with. i'm so glad that i'm finally truly happy. i haven't cried over zach in over a month now. and i think i'm really over it this time. that song doesn't make me sad anymore. i can read the messages and laugh, not get upset. and i can talk to him without wondering if anything is going to happen. because i don't want anything to happen. because i have michael. and i'm finally happy.