i spoke to him again. i thought i would be okay. but i found myself wanting nothing but to talk to him. i found myself wanting to say 'i still love you'. i realized the jealousy i had towards her. i realized how angry i was with him. and then i realized that i'm never gonna get rid of these feelings. and then, he did it again. went to visit her and she found out we had been talking. i get a text from his phone saying "this is mikes gf" and something about not talking to him anymore. i realized that he will never be a true friend to me because he did stop talking to me. even though he said before that he didn't care if she got mad. this was august. now it's the first day of october. we talked yesterday. she broke up with him. apparently for someone else. and he's hurting. i still don't think he'll ever understand how i've been feeling the past six months. he doesn't have to do it on his own. i'm still here for him. he has his mom, and kyle. but i had no one. because i thought that he was all i was ever going to need. i burnt bridges and almost ruined life long friendships. i lost all confidence i had in myself and wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up again. i wanted cuts up and down both my arms and i wanted to bleed until there was no more blood to be bled. i wanted to take every pill i could find and lock myself in my room so no one could get to me. i wanted to lay down in the tub and let the water rise above my head and not bother to struggle for air. i wanted the waves in the ocean to take me under and never let me reach the surface again. i just wanted the pain in my chest to go away. i wanted to feel my heart beat the way it did when i was with him. i wanted to feel his hand in mine. his lips against my skin. the warmth of this body. my blanket. my only comfort. i wanted him to wipe away my tears and tell me that everything was going to be okay. i just wanted him to be next to me. i wanted him to love me, to want me, to remember me. but he wouldn't. because he loved her, he wanted her, and he forgot me and everything that we once had. i never told him i wanted to be with him forever. would that have changed anything? would that have made him realize what he was doing to me? what he was doing to himself. now he realizes that she doesn't care. but will he ever realize how much i do care? not if i can't make myself even be nice to him.. being nice to him makes me vulnerable again. being nice to him lets him get too close to my heart. and all he's going to do is break it again. he doesn't want me. he wants her. i just don't understand why he can move on and i can't. i have a boyfriend. he's great. and it's wrong. it's unfair. i care for david. but i have nothing left to give him. michael took it all. stole it. and won't let me have it back. and i need it back. so that i can keep it locked away behind the brick wall i've so carefully built back up. the one that michael tore down. but now with extra security. so that no one else will ever get through those walls. so that i will never have to feel this kind of pain again...