i hate this time of year. classes coming to an end. final projects. then time to review for final exams. absolutely no money and i haven't bought Christmas presents for anyone. not even my mother. and i'm broke. if i buy Christmas presents i won't be able to make my car payment. i hate not getting people stuff. especially family. because they've done so much. and i know i never act thankful. grandparents and parents i can handle. make 'em something and they'll keep it forever. but friends.. i can't possibly show how thankful i am for all of them. they're freaking amazing. idk why they even put up with me. but i'm glad they do. and i feel like photography is completely kicking my ass. my pinhole camera isn't freaking light tight anymore. it was a few days ago. today it wasn't. doesn't make much sense. the many me shoot is probably screwed up because i had to let my brother help and he kept moving the camera. and then i have to worry about the portfolio. of course i can do that over Christmas break. even though i shouldn't because i need a break. but oh well. i think i just need a change of scenery. i should redecorate or something. but that's just something else that i don't have money or time for. damnit. i wish i was still five. i didn't have to worry about this bullshit. it was so easy. boys.. hell "tag you're it" was the best pick up line. you didn't have to worry about them wanting anything but your crayons. and parents just said "aww how cute" not "i don't like him you can't see him." and the drama. omg. i'm gonna kill the next person that tries to drag me into it. i've got enough problems of my own. like trying to figure out this so'n'so deal. he's so amazing. and it's like i'm scared of him. we're so close.. and i don't want anything to change. yes i like him. a lot. but the way i look at it.. it's either gonna end really good or really bad. and i don't see an in between. but i didn't think i would care about anyone again. not this soon anyway. but he's just.. exactly what i've been asking for. and now i have it. right in front of me. layed out on a silver platter. and what do i do? run. because that's what i'm good at. run away from anything that could ever make me happy because eventually it's just gonna break my heart. and that's so horrible. i'll never be happy if i don't freaking stay around to let things get good. but they'll get good and then just go bad. so why waste the time? but he's so.. damn. i don't even know. i haven't written in so long.. and now i can write. of course it's lame. but atleast i'm writing. i'm always with him. i'm always thinking about him. we have all the same friends. never had any kind of argument.. other than i hate you most. but that was definitely a joke. because i definitely wasn't thinking hate when i said that.. uggghhh. why do people worry about stuff that's just so stupid? like.. seriously. if it happens it happens right? don't try to make it happen. just let it happen. and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. just chill. and let it happen.