nyquil is starting to kick in. idk why i even do this.. maybe because i know no one reads it.. and maybe i'm hoping someone will. who knows. it'd be great to have someone to talk to who doesn't know everyone else.. that's exactly what i need right now. i've realized that i'm only truly happy when i'm around certain people. and if i'm talking to those people. one person in particular. i'm always smiling when we're together.. and if i'm not it doesn't last long. and everyone sees it. and it took me a while to see it. maybe i'm afraid of it. maybe i'm avoiding it. not ready. i'm sure i'm just scared. i'm always scared. scared to take risks. make some mistakes. that's how we all learn. but i'm terrified of it. i hate change. it isn't always easy for me to adjust. for me to lose a friend. or boyfriend. never easy to get over it. although i'm doing a lot better with the whole william thing than i thought i would. probably because i was pretty much over him before it was over. because we never talked. i still can't believe he called me pathetic. maybe i am pathetic for letting it go on for so long. maybe he only dated me and treated like complete crap to get rid of me. pretty much sounded like what he wanted. not that i ever did anything for him. like i'm not the one that stayed up on the phone with him everynight for weeks.. ignoring the guy i was dating because he was a "friend" that needed me.. listening to him cry over nikki. no. i was never there. and i haven't heard from him.. of course. i'll probably never speak to him again. maybe that's a good thing. most likely. but that's still another friend.. gone. just like that. so stupid. i hate highschool drama. it's so pointless. a complete waste of time. what am i worrying about? move on. he has. probaby a long time ago. and so i will. hey. i'm single now. for the first time in like.. nine months. time to go out and have some fun right? ha. probably not. because i'm still me. i'm still the quiet one that sits in the back. the one never invited to go anywhere.. and when i am invited mom won't let me. and i just can't lie to her. even though i'm sure she's lied to me quite a few times. oh well. apparently i'm a good kid or something. but i can feel that rebellion iniside of me just waited to break out. and i don't think i want it to. not this close to the end of highschool. a year and a half left and i'm gonna decide to rebel? bad news. very bad. and now that nyquil is reallyyy kicking in. g'night.