do things really happen for a reason?

I can honestly I do not know the answer to that question, and I don't know if I really want to know the answer.

Latley things have been good and bad. Good things happen and then shortly after I get the time to enjoy the moment, something bad usually happens.

Bruce and I have been talking about taking our relationship to the next level, which is getting a dog. I'm pretty excited, I've wanted a dog for awhile now and we actually picked out the dog. His name is Bert. He's adorable. Bruce and I currently aren't working right now, so getting the dog is a little tough at the moment. We will try to work it out though.

He told me today that there is a good possibility we will be moving into an apartment in June or July. I am happy in one hand, in the other, I'm nervous. Honestly, how well will this go over? I mean its good if Lauren is really going to move back into mom's, but if she doesn't, what will happen to my freedom?

I want to start working so that I can afford a car, and pay bills. That's what makes me happy, knowing that I have responsibilities. You need to work to have nice things though.

I wish my best friend was here to give me advice. I miss her like crazy. I had a dream the other night, we were all in Aunt Kathy's kitchen, I was doing dishes, I turned around and Grammy was leaning on the counter. I ran up to her and gave her a hug, I started crying and told her I loved her and missed her. She told me she loved me and missed me. First time that has ever happened. I was so excited and still am. I just wish it could have been in person, instead of spirit. I really hope that my dreams are ways of her talking to me.

I wonder what she's doing, I wonder if she is watching over me like I hope she is. I can only hope that one day I will be able to have a conversation with her. I miss everything about her.

I know that I can not keep dwelling on losing Gram. It will not make anything different. It won't make me any happier than I am now. I can keep waking up every morning with her on my mind and not have to hate myself for what i did and didn't do for her. I know I'm stuck in a rut and need to get out. I'm afraid to move out on my own and not get those amazing care-packages or home welcoming cards I used to get from Grammy. I don't even get support right now from my own mother. She can't even support herself, let alone me. It breaks my heart that when Grammy left, she took everything great out of this world. I understand that it wasn't and still isn't her fault, but she had a huge impact on everyone's life. She always put everyone before herself. That's the kind of person she was though, she wasn't selfish, she wanted everyone to be equally happy, and loved. That's exactly what she gave us all. Last year, Mom called me and told me "besides poppy, Nei you are the closest one to her heart". Statements like that play through my head all the time. Well I will make her proud of me, even though she is not here to guide me, I know what she wants out of me, I've grown so immune to her love that I know how to have the life she's always wanted me to have. She is my best friend, and always will be. She is my whole heart, making her proud is the reason why I get out of bed every day. I will wait for the next time I see her in my dreams, she will wait for me in heaven, and I will show her that I can live the life she has always wanted me to have.