There has been soo much drama lately. I don't know what to think let alone what to do. He hurts me by things that I hear from his friends and strangers.. all bad. When I confront him and we talk about everything I feel soo much better. Then the next day he won't talk to me because of something he heard. "I like someone else." No. This hurts me. He would rather not talk to me then confront me and fix the problem. How are we supposed to have a relationship if we can't talk. Or... if we can't trust each other. I see the train coming straight for me.. full spead ahead.. but I can't get off the tracks. So I think it is over. I am going to end it. I can't handle the drama, the lies, the hurt. I do something stupid before I talk to him. He asks, I tell him I did. I won't lie about this. I don't regret it but I feel horrible. I was so afraid that he was going to hurt me.. that I hurt him before he got a chance. My wall. It is tall and strong. I don't think anyone is going to be able to get past it. Ever. I'm impossible. A hypocrite. How can we have this relationship if we always think the other is doing something they shouldn't be. I want to start over. I want to be with him without any of this knowledge. I want to go back. But I can't. No one can. I have to learn from my mistakes. I have to look forward. I need to figure out where I want this to go and how I am going to get there. It's a steep hill. I don't know if I want to travel it... or just.. take the easier road. The one without him. Do I want to make it work. Do I think it will ever work? Do I want to fall in love with him. Do I even like him? I can't think, I can't breath when I am around him. What do I say. Will we say the right things, Or throw our hands up in defeat. Why is this so hard. Isn't it supposed to be easy? Where is my fairy tale? Where is my Prince Charming? So many questions with no anwsers or way of getting them. Fuck. ~Jessica*~