here's a paper I wrote for school... The car slowed as it reached the stoplight, approaching the interstate, and I realized this was my only chance. I had to run. I had to get out. I quickly opened the car door and jumped out as the girl sitting next to me tried grabbing at my legs. Down the ramp, I ran faster than I have my entire life. The cars behind me swerved and turned fast to catch up with me, but I just kept running. I ran until all the strength in my body ran out and I collapsed on the pavement. But I got up and kept running, completely clueless, completely lost. Nothing seemed real, like I was trapped in some horrible nightmare. A man I didn’t know finally caught up to me and dragged me back into the car. I kept trying to wake up, waiting for this dream to end. But it wasn’t a dream, or a nightmare, it was real. Later I realized that things didn’t seem real because I was in complete shock. My mind and emotions had taken an extremely hard and unexpected blow. Little did I know my mom was having suspicions that I was on drugs, and she was right. She decided to take me to an assessment at a rehab center, and I never left. I was told that I would be spending one year in a rehab center with no outside contact, and that’s when I started going into shock. What about school? What about my job? My friends? My family? My sport? I wasn’t ready to give these things up, and that’s why I ran. Obviously running didn’t work out, and I wasn’t required to stay a year long. However the whole time I was there, I believed I was staying a year and I thought my life was coming to an end. The rules were insane and abnormal to me, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I had lost. I never realized how much I had, a great education, a solid job, a sport I loved, amazing friends, a car, a cell phone… the list goes on. I went from having everything, to having nothing, and that’s when I realized how much life really meant to me. In rehab, pretty much every right and freedom I had was taken from me. I wasn’t allowed to talk at all, let alone to my parents or friends. I could no longer go to school or work, and my plans to be captain of the color guard were washed down the drain. I couldn’t wear my own clothes, or makeup, or do my hair. I wasn’t even allowed to shave my legs. Nearly every day I was punished for crossing my legs or making eye contact with boys, it seemed so illogical to me. Even my privacy was taken away, I wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom or shower alone. Every single day I cried, I couldn’t eat anything or get any sleep at night. I would cry in my sleep and when I woke in the morning I began crying again. I thought about everything over and over again. Using drugs had given me a temporary high, made me happy for a short amount of time, and just for that, I had lost everything. Was it really worth it, giving up my entire life for a couple highs? No, definitely not. Nothing lasts forever, and for some reason I thought it would. I’m so lucky to go to the school that I do, and I realized how much I loved being a waitress. Many times I thought about color guard, and how much I enjoyed performing, and how that might never happen again. Most of all I thought about my friends and family and how long it would be until I could talk to them or see them again. I couldn’t handle it, it just wasn’t worth it. The two weeks I spent at a rehab center changed my entire outlook on life. I always thought I knew what was important to me and what meant the most, but I really knew nothing until I had everything taken away from me. I took such simple things for granted. Now I don’t want to waste one second I spend with my friends, I don’t want to miss one second of class time, and I don’t want to forget what it feels like to perform a show in front of hundreds of people. This world may seem cruel at times, but it has so much to offer. Not everybody can have what I have, and I’m more thankful now than I think I have ever been. The drugs, and the lies and deceit that came with them, seemed so trivial compared to everything else. Everyone has to face the consequences of their actions, and sometimes we really have no idea what those consequences will be. But as for me, I learned that doing drugs will never get me anywhere, except for jails and institutions. Never again will I take the risk of losing everything, because I know I’m better than that. I have accepted my past, and realized I am the only one who controls my future. And here's the letter I wrote to the bitch who snitched on me... ~Kristen~ I figured I’d write you a letter to let you know how I am feeling about everything, considering I don’t think there is any way I could tell you all of this. First of all, I want to let you know that I considered you my best friend before this. Even though I don’t think you considered me yours, I told everyone that you were my best friend, my girl. You always told me how you could never trust anyone, and I understood because I was the same way. During the whole time we were friends, I never got mad at you once. I can only remember two times you were mad at me, and both didn’t last long. You got mad at me for going to Drew’s… so I drove to Pendleton at 3am on a school night just for you. Then you got mad at me for talking to Jeff, so I stop talking to him completely… because your friendship meant more to me than any dick. I thought I could trust you over anyone else, but I’ve never been so wrong. Second of all, what the HELL gave you the right to snitch on me? Like I haven’t gone through enough this year having to accept the fact BOTH my parents had an affair, and getting hurt over and over again? Are you some angel who does everything perfectly? No, I don’t think so.. I have always been there for you through everything. Every time you had problems with Drew or Katie or your mom or whatever, I was there to listen. I helped you sneak out and get around things, I let you drive my car around half DRUNK, shit you were the reason I lost my virginity that night… you were always in more trouble than me, Kristen. I wasn’t the one who was on 2CT2 or cocaine, I wasn’t the one who wanted to do HEROIN. Do you remember what you were like just a couple of weeks ago?.. You wanted me to try these drugs for you and go to a rave in Chicago with you… I mean seriously, what the fuck? I smoked weed and did ecstasy TWICE… I didn’t do the crazy shit you did.. But for some reason you go to a couple rehab classes & think you’re better than me or something.. then you think it’s okay to snitch on me.. What about all our other friends Kristen? The ones who do a shit load more than I do-- but you didn’t think to snitch on them… I wasn’t stupid about my shit either, my parents had NO CLUE. I wasn’t doing anything crazy or sneaking out of my house like you. Drugs hadn’t affected my life at all, and I was fine with that. Do you understand what it felt like to be in rehab? I WANTED TO DIE. I obviously hated it so much I tried running after being there for only a few hours, I seriously sat in rehab and tried to think of ways I could kill myself before I got out. I have never cried that much in my life, and I ate NOTHING for five days straight. I’m sorry but I didn’t deserve that. The fucked up thing is I thought about you more than anyone else when I was in there, because I loved you so much, and when I finally did get out you were the FIRST person I called. Even though I’m out now, things aren’t a whole lot better. I can’t drive my car, I don’t have my phone so I can’t get a hold of my friends, I’m not allowed to do ANYTHING. My mom took all my cd’s, she even took my fucking UNDERWEAR because the rehab place said it was inappropriate. But that’s not even half of it… I HAVE NO JOB. I’m not allowed to work right now, and I had a really good job. I loved being a waitress and I loved everyone that I worked with. Now I have no way to make money and I feel worthless. I CAN’T DO GUARD. You KNOW how much I love guard Kristen, it’s one of the things I fucking LIVE for. Performing is a huge part of my life. Do you know what it feels like to know the HSE Varsity Guard will be performing a show this year without ME? Well it feels like SHIT. I CAN’T SEE MY FRIENDS. My real ones that is… it kills me not being able to see Katie and Chase. And I really don’t give a fuck if you like Chase or not because you KNEW how much I liked him, and how happy I was to finally be with him. Yeah he wasn’t perfect, but nobody is, and all that counts was that I was finally happy. I can’t even remember the last time I was happy with a guy… but now that will probably fade too.. Right when something finally went right for me you had to fuck it up. I really can’t believe I trusted you all along, and if you were trying to help me you wouldn’t have done this. You could of at least talked to me about it or something. I was just an occasional weed smoker like most average people. The time I spent in rehab was the worst week of my life. Everything is so FUCKED UP now Kristen! My relationship is messed up with my entire family, everyone knows where I was. I’m not allowed to baby-sit kids I used to because there parents don’t like me anymore, friends I’ve had forever look at me completely differently, it was FUCKED UP to walk into CHURCH and have everyone stare at me like I’m some complete psycho. People are fucking afraid of me at school, all my teachers look at me differently… so I really hope this was worth it to you Kristen. I never had a problem before, but now I do because my life is completely FUCKED. Thanks, you’re a pal…. I can’t believe how much I loved you when you were just messing around the whole time. I would have done anything for you, you were my GIRL and I would have straight taken a bullet for you. I’m sorry but it doesn’t matter what you say you completely stabbed me in the back, you are a BITCH. You will probably run to your mom or Katie, or your rehab people and show them this. But I think you should grow up for a second and just keep this to yourself… for ONCE don’t start your fucking drama please. GROW UP. If you’re crying about all this, I’m really not sorry at all. Because I know THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN CRY AS MANY TEARS AS I DID OR FEEL AS HURT AS YOU HAVE ALREADY HURT ME. Please don’t call me, or my MOM, don’t talk to me, don’t even LOOK at me… I want NOTHING to do with you and your dumb shit. If you see me at Fairbanks, don’t talk to me. I hope I made that clear enough. You have lost one of the best friends you will probably ever have… so good luck making friends in the future.. Especially if all you do is stab them in the back. I hope you’ll learn how to be real someday. I really thought you were the best friend I had ever had, but you were just fake and you hurt me more than you’ll ever know. FUCK YOU. -Leah-