ok so .... i am actually driving myself nuts its funny crazy and i hate it .. all i can dream or think or want is this on kid ... i have pretty much came to the conclusion i'll never have.. and then i have the balls to call him and i hear what i always wanna here and it fucks with me HARD CORE... like he said one day he will marry me and OMG ... i just dont know I'm going fucking crazy ... cause i have a boyfriend ... who lets be real isn't ever gonna go ne where .... i love that kid i really do but we are both going navy and i am going to cali and hes going Florida it's not gonna work .. idk someone shoot me please cause these thoughts are running ramped

ok so i am depressed and it's finally forcing me to deal with it... i don't know why...i feel like i don't belong here any more like i served my time and i need to move on... i just hate how i have tons of friends when i am single and as soon as i start to have a boyfriend again ... the start dropping like flys one by one and i can't ever find some one by my house... i mean i love anthony to death and want to spend the rest of my life with him if he'd ask ... but i just don't know anymore ... i guess hearing about the navy or and chance to get the FUCK out of here sounds super ....right now ...i just don't want to go in for the reason to get away... but honestly whats left for me ........ NOTHING i have friends .. i guess.. well i have family... but i am unhappy here .. i talked to an old friend tonight thinking maybe i could find one last thing that would encourage me... and nothing same shit day after day

so i am excited i hope ... me and val get an apartment together ... i wanna move out bad .. and plus she's my best friend.. and she pays her bills .... oh and i'm not really talking to that one kid jd much he's a bit strange he wants to be a porn star now and i'm just not having that ... and my ex have officially planted himself in my ass .. i don't mind that much.... i love him i am just not sure if i wanna go down that road again... it just am confused on what to do cause his life is down there and mine is taking off.... like i get a job with this company.... i am wanna move closer to st. louis ... so idk on what to do...

ok so i had alot of fun this weekend and i moved on and am now dating someone(jD)... and all the suddon anthony misses me ... WTF .. where is this coming from why is this happening.. 2 days ago i would of took it hook line and sinker... i don't know what his intentions are but i am sick of the on and off none sense .. if he wants to be with me then this is it if not then quit fucking with me cause ... he knows i care .. it's to stressful ....

well,.. this weekend got better i hung out with JD alot he's really fun to hang with ... we've dating and after last night .. i think we are exculsive like as he's my boyfriend.. well i just want to enjoy so .. right now i got someone who is treating me great and such a sweet heart!

well i just got horrible news my sister might have cancer... they think she has overian cancer .. they aren't 100% with out testing... so i was really upset yesterday... and then anthony helped calm me down.. for a little... but i think i'm threw with that chapter.. cause when i needed him the most he's never there .. i know he has a girlfriend but they havn't dated that long .. so .. i just figured i would be more important.. but this reminds me of a song unanswer prayers.. thanking god for those unanswer prayers.. but then i think more and more that if he wanted me and loved me as much as i loved him i wouldn't have to fight this hard... so i decided to give this new boy a chance his name is JD and he's sweet.. so i'm just taking one day at a time

what am i suppose to do... i am so in love with anthony and he's with someone else... and i want to fight for anthony and show him how much i care... but i feel like a fucking retard like he doesn't want me back and i'm just wasting my time ... the question in my head pops up over and over again ... should i move on or keep trying? ... does he really love me or is he just lying? what am i suppost to do.. well i met a new guy jd and he's really nice and fun and treats me like a lady we hung out last night i met alot of his friends and they were really cool... do i try with this guy or do i hang on for anthony the one i love? is anthony teaching me a lesson .. and if so what is it.... i am just so confused ... i hate my life i wish it was simple... i'm sure it could be worse.. i don't want to hang out with anthony cause it will just keep me wanting more ... i'm so lost on what i should do i wish there was a sign or something that said move on or hang on ... anyone please help

well i don't think i could screw up my life anymore ... i pushed away the love of my life just so i could figure out 100%he was for me ... and well like with the rest of my life i fucked it up i took too long and now someone else has .. him i hurt so bad inside i honestly thought i was gonna have a heart attack today .. i got to see him again and all those feelings came rushing back .. how that he was the only person i could honestly tell anything to and he wouldn't judge me .. how much i just fucking love him.. but i seems like i'll never get him back cause of him moving on already ... it just hurts so bad cause i have never been selfish in my life when it comes to my feelings...i just want to find him and tell him i'm not going away until he tells me to.. and right now i would pretty much do anything to win him back to show him how much i love and care and appreciate him.. i made him my whole world and i feel lost with out him ...every time i go to bed i just wish he was there to hold me and cuddle with me .. i just wanna work things out... i miss my best friend .. i just don't care want anyone says about him anymore i love him so much ..

oh so alot has happened since my last entry.... i've been single since early june....and i have been trying to well i guess get adam out my system if u know what i mean.. :-) well it's up and down like always it's really quite annoying ... one day it's amazing and the next it's like who's Jill... it makes me feel wondereful cause i've loved this guy since 10th grade... well maybe it's love maybe it's just i've never had a chance to relize that he's a pig like most guys i am attracked to ... and mean while my ex won't go away... long enough for me to figure out what i want to do with my life or for that matter who i want to be with i've been with him so long i am unsure on what I WANT....

so i got a new car and it's awesome it's a jetta and i love my boyfriend very much.... to day is valentine's day and go figure i have an amazing dream about my ex. WONDERFUL. so the one day it should be about us i'm stuck thinking about someone else i am such a horrible girlfriend. i guess i love being self destructive cause i am slowly fucking up an amazing thing... i guess my problem is i get happy and happy isn't good enough... wtf is wrong with me why do i do this

man this weekend is fucking crazy two guys i called good friends of mine found the buttons to push and pushed them bad.. i had bought alchol and i sick of them drinking it and never getting to finshen it. i mean why pay for something for u aND u don't get to drink it i asked them not to drink it i show up the next dAY and they already started drinking them. bullshit.. then they say they aren't playing favorites when it comes to drinking people shit that's in the fridge. bull shit they didn't drink laura shit. well i got pissed then they started mouthing and said some hatefull shit about me being jealous about them hanging out with laura. whiich i am not gonna lie i was it pissed me off and it really seemed that's what they wanted to do. well i talked to her for the first time in like 2 years... it took a lot for me to do it. but it had to be done. well i stoped hateing her.. good sign well i can't say i am completely trill about us talking.. but it's not good to hate someone. well anyway i feel like i am being pushed really bad by anthony to talk to her and be ok with her. so we all can hang out...right! well i am still really insecure about them two talking or HANGING out i defantly don't want to go down this rode again... my gut is telling me to believe her but then i have anthony sitting there say how long is this being ok thing gonna take.. what the fuck!!! u should be lucky i even made peace with her.. don't fucking push ur luck damn it... i can eventually see all of us hanging out.. that can be ok but i still feel like there are feelings cause they told each other they loved each other it drives me up the wall but i'll deal. but them twoo hanging out alone fuck that or them hanging out with out me still not ok with them talking to each other and not telling me not ok with so much ok lost my train of thought

man i was a total bitch to my boyfriend for no reason at all i just couldn't stop it from happening i know not a good excuse but it was like i was pissed. at nothing for nothing, i was on edge all day. i am never like that i think it's my birth control it's weird sorry sweety

ok i love my boyfriend so much it scares me. like i think about us all the time and wonder whats he's doing or when i am gonna get to talk to him next or better yet see him. when i see young couples together that have children i think i want that some day.. most people do.. but i think i want that with him.. this scares me once again.i wonder what it would be like to live with him in a house like just me and him...i think some day that i could maybe spend the rest of my life with him.. cause i love him that much.. in a way i am not scared. i am just scared to let him know that i have some of the thoughts that he has i have to. i think maybe that things would move to fast or he would freak out or just something terrible. like loseing him. but i don't want to let my guard down cause then the one thing that always happens when i do let it down. i get hurt i get hurt really bad. i dont want that to happen. i refuse to let it happen. i will never date again if thats what i have to do to avoid getting hurt. sometimes i just think that i must be a horrible person or something to have bad things happen to me. like i don't deserve to be happy like it's just not one of those things i am allow to have....

i wrote this today but it's dumb and doesn't ryhem at all My love for you is to good to be true i can't take my eye's off u ok that's all i got pretty stupid huh? well i was suppose to take a test about the haas room today but i didn't because my boss wouldn't talk to charlie . bitch i really need to work some where else soon cause my hand is crwmping up Bad and my wrist is hurting more and more everyday i hate it i have a tutor for my programming class cause i really want to understand this stuff i need to understand it i am so tired i am about to fall asleep i really don't want to go to class tonight... i just want to sleep.. some rest would be great and i don't want to drive all the way to arnold... gas went up.. oh and i hate titaium i absolutely hate it cause i have been stuck on it for 2 weeks now someone please shot me.. i just relized how much i like to write in this and how much i missed doing this it really clams me down.. i think i am gonna skip school tonight yep ia m gonna e-mail my teacher now

man i had a poopy day i was raggin and i am not suppose to be then i locked my keys in my car then the person who was gonna help didn't show up plus i have homework that due tonight that i don't understand shit!!! and i tried to leave early but ended up leaving later than i would if i said because i am a idoit and need to pay attention more so i gonna be late for class cause i just got out of the shower and i am gonna go to wal mart and make a spare key to my car and i got my credit card bill $218.00 but the only thing that makes any of this good is i might get to go to the hoost room Yeah!!! i love my boyfriend we had a fun weekend at least i thought we did .. i rode on the bike with him man.... that's a huge Turn oN ...

i am excited i get to go to cardinal's game tomorrow with my boyfriend and his family at the new stadium sweet...!!! my brother josh has never been to a cardnials game ever i want to get him tickets for next season hopefully.. i hope i have fun it's suppose to be hot tomorrow my boyfriend anthony got a couch rocket he is smokein hot on that bad boy ..if u know what i mean .Wink Wink well he's coming to see me today yeah!!! don't know what we are doing tonight though... oh any finally things with him are back to the way they use to be like a year and a half ago... yeah it's been awhile but i finally am be coming truely happy.. we haven't fought in like a week yeah!!! i'll keep my fingers crossed :-) i know there's the saying thing's are too good to be true but this time i am not gonna wait around for the bad or try to figure it out i am gonna enjoy all the good..

today was pretty crazy i work 10 1/2 hours and am going to school when i got out of work i let my boyfriend in side my head i was so nerves cause i think he will think of me different or hold it against me he said he won't but i feel that he might not mean too but feels differently i know he just wants to figure me out but i am afriad maybe it will bring us closer but i don't like anyone in my head it's a confusing place believe me i know it's my head.. i just don't want to be looked at differently for a few retarded thought that might of been the way i was feeling at the time but isn't truely how i feel that this as u will

i feel a little more excepted by my boyfriend now that he knows what i am thinking well most of the time or well what i have thought. well i always wanted to tell him certain thought but never knew the right words and i didn't want to hurt him.

well i was very sick Last night and had a horrible headache which sucked bad. i ended up getting sick which sucked i didn't go to work i am at my boyfriends dorm with my friends jonathon and butters... well everyhting is alrigth with me and my boyfriend but he gets snappy and mean with me witch pisses me off so bad cause i didn't do anything. i mean i don't deserve shit like that and i am dumb because i put up with it and deal with his bull shit. so i don't have anyone to blam but myself for getting treat shitty sometime... well my best friend tara is no more cause she decide to pick her boyfriend over me ... i never made he choose i think she did witch is bull shit but whatever