sick with madness. god. im just so fucking pissed right now for once, i actually hate everything. absolutely everything. i stayed sick home today right? last night right when i came home from school, i cooked dinner. i had to start right away cause i was making pizza. so i didnt start on homework until 7. and then i wanted to watch top model so i didnt really finish until 11. and then i went to sleep. and i felt like fucking shit this morning, and i probably have strep throat. so my mom comes home from picking up yuki and she yells at me for not folding the laundry. AND IM SICK. hm. well then. and then she tells me 'im not giving you $20 this week. you didnt fold the laundry OR chant. do i have to tell you to do everything?!' oh my fucking god. i was about to cry cause i was so pissed. do you know what i have to fucking do every fucking day of the week? wipe the bathroom floor, wipe the bathroom mirrors, clean off the counters, restock it. vacuum living room, put everything away, wipe the coffee table, clean the couch. wipe the kitchen floor, counters, put everything away, wash and dry the dishes. vacuum the back room, put everything away, wipe the tables. i have to do all of that. AND chant morning and before i go to sleap. AND still make time to finish homework. all of that. for fucking $20. what is that? tell me. WHAT IS THAT. it was originally going to be $10. WOW. hm. yes. that will get me to sua. fuck that. i might as well not even go. but i already told alex that i could go. and everything would just be ruined. fuck. im so mad right now. my mom didnt even have to do fucking ANYTHING for the house, while i did everything. and shes bagging on me. because i didnt fold the fucking laundry. or chant at night. hm. does it look like i have much time? i dont even have time for myself. and none of this money is even going to me, personally. its going to sua. so wtf. yea, im mad. its uncontrollable. i dont know whats wrong with me. everythings annoying me. and thats why i hate everything right now. thank fucking god tomorrows friday. oh yea. i guess that reminds me. my next door neighbor is a rich lady. french. had an annoying puppy that always wakes me up in the morning because of its stupid bark. she asked me to take care of it this weekend, friday saturday sunday. i was expecting some major dough by sunday, but then yuki told me id get like, $15. and that got me pissed as well. i mean, what if i just let the damn dog die?! dogs are worth more than that. more than a mere fucking $15. yuki doesnt know anything about grammar. so ken asks her for help, and not me. that makes sense. how cool.

ecstatic. up to my neck. i may get to go to utahhh baby and see alex's house for the first time, and her wtf-jawesome giant room, and her (uhm) current...bf, and her friends. but i dont want to meet the one that thinks shes a devil. cause ill just laugh in her pretty little face, and shed probably 'send me to hell'. haha. k. i dont believe in hell, little girl. i believe in peace, BIZNATCH. i hate school. i hate grades. oh my oh MY OH MY. i wish...i could go back to balboa. there. i said it. as fucking horrible as it was, i liked how easy it was. i liked how laid back everything felt, even with all the stupid little immature drama. it just felt nice. nothing much to worry about. but high school, its like. real life biz right there. drugs. alchohol. girls. boys. things. i dont wanna deal with it. or any of the trashy 'people' that come along. maybe im afraid. but im fine. i just dont like it much. i feel like im missing something. could it be fun? im not having as much fun as i used to. not hanging out every weekend. more like, every other 2 weeks. could it be environment? shitty people=shitty day. eh? could it be boys? i dont have one. not even close. i see one, but of course im unknown to the eye, blending in with the rest of the single fishes. does that mean im just like any other gal? am i boring? too preserved? does that mean i should be a half naked slut? no. hahaha. thats the last thing i would ever do, i dont need boys now. could it be family? yuki. nuff said. i dont know. i cant really sleep at night, my eyes are tired even when theyre closed. cause i think about too much. anxiety? fatigue? i never knew what fatigue meant. like, for reals. i need to shower and shave my legs. we're swimming tomorrow, and its still kind of cold. :L

ringringring "hi, youve reached the nomura residence. please leave a message after the beep. *beeeeep*." "......" "who was that?" "no one." k. so i explained the lame random title of this entry. i havent written because i dont feel like it. some things have happened. -this...boy, is being a bastard to me. -this guy wont leave me alone -im fucking tired of my bitchass 'sister' -i got my two C's to B's -i cut&dyed my hair -edwin&i are no longer friends -i got my first A on a bio test. yea. i just have to say how much my sister.. sucks dick. penis. ugh so. big news. TIM IS FUCKING FLYING OVER HERE. AND IS GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT. IN MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE. NEAR ME. IN THE SAME BUILDING AS ME. please kill me. slit my throat. stab my back. shoot my head. please. i beg you. nonononono. i dont want him heeeere. i will cry my eyes out, and never leave the house. cause ill be scarred for life. tim is a sexually-obsessed rapist. he does 15 year old girls, and he's 20 years old. he was homeschooled, and most homeschooled boys are all mofos. he has no life. hes not going anywhere. and yet, my parents know none of this. theyre letting him in. for up to a week. when i screamed and almost cried about the news, they just sat quietly. and im like '...what are you thinking???' im not going to say hi. im not going to look at him. i wont let him into our room. shit, i might not even let him into our house if i tried. i was afraid of this a long time ago, and now its actually happening. tim's going to yuki's graduation. if he goes, im not going. and i dont really give a goddamn fuck. yuki's a fool. a naive, stupid, shameful fool. she wants tim to love her, and she knows all the bad things hes done. yet she forgives him. and sucks up to him. like a little disgusting slave. HE LIVES IN TEXAS FOR GODDAMN SAKES. after three whole years, hes still a stranger. a goddamn creepy one. she met him in an online chat room. HAH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. PFFFT. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. wow. i got a cool sister, huh? shes so great. i love her to death. i wish everyone knew my sister. yea, fuck that. im pissed. to the point where im going insane. i.... ...... ....... ........ ......... hope his plane crashes. there. i said it. CAUSE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. hes done no good. he hasnt been there. he made my sister cry and suck up to him and be his little...personal...slave. sure, everyone deserves to live. not unless it gets personal. and its gone too far. i dont want her to communicate with him any longer. it would be better if he just vanished. im a bad person. im just saving my lost sister. thats all.

so im sick again. fabulous, isnt it? whyyyyyy does my immune system suck eggs. god. godgodgodgodgod. which i dont believe in but godjesus i hate coughing, it destroys my throaty. it makes it feel like, im coughing up a bunch of pebbles. yuck and my nose is more clogged. EWWWWWWW the sickness why havent i been writing lately. because my dad cut out the internet on my other compu in my room so i cant have privacy when i write things. and plus i dont really go on that much anymore :D cool. how nice i want to go to a party i dont care what kind. as long as it provides food+refreshments+good music, i want to go. and dancedancedance because i want something fun. life is being boring right now KIDNAP ME wait actually no. dont. dont lay a finger on me, unless we are friends and you are hot and cool. hot and cool? thats funny. opposite. whatever wtf is wrong with me feverish? much.

gosh. i always like people i shouldnt. im pretty sure ellen knows what i mean. like, older people. people out of my 'league'. people not in my area. etc. why arent there good people in v-town? its cause everyone thinks theyre too good for everyone. it sucks. nah cool. i never really realized how excited i was to go to sua again this summer, and i dont even know if i can go. but like... i saw zack and i realized angela and katie are going too, and i remember how fun it was. or like whatever fun i had. i didnt have THAT much fun because i couldnt do much [caretaker for da elle] but this time i really just wanna go out and meetmeetmeet. its cool. those people are cool. and fun and i cant wait to see everyone again and have no parents around.

my pet peeves made it sound like i hated all my friends. i certainly do not hate them. i love them all to death, so much that id eat a bucket of onions for them and i reallyreallyreallyreally do not like those. yea. i just needed to complain all at once. but wow i hate feelings. they overwhelm me too much to the point where im confused on how i feel. i overanalyze EVERYTHING, so i could think that feel sad when i am actually happy. it makes no sense. okay as of now i feel pretty happy and mellowed out. but i feel disappointed and disgusted and sad, but then i feel like i could just jump around on my couch singing a tune. but also i feel like i can have a good cry right about now, and then laugh for hours when im done. understand? probably not. no i didnt just make all that up. i have some serious problems with myself and no i do not mean as in... like sitting in my dark little corner with a razor blade muttering to myself and crying and cut-cut-cutting. i mean like i have a major learning disability. i have a tiny case of short term memory, and i have an extremely short attention span. it seems as though people dont understand when i tell them that, though. they think its a joke. but i guess it could be normal for like a 14 year old. what is romance? i hate it it ruins your life, makes you risk everything you have only to have it shoved and pushed and smashed back into your face so its broken and you are too. why do i talk too much? i have too much to say so yea sometimes i wish i were some kind of android. like on Big O Dorthy, i think her name was. but shes creepy looking, i dont want to look like that. pale skin, cropped red hair, black dress, tights, and shoes. but she plays piano well. but yea if i were some robot or something i wouldnt really talk unless asked to, i would feel any complicated feelings, etc. but i guess i wouldnt be living life. or living, for that matter. would you like to hear my dream? and i dont know why im saying 'you' because really, i am talking to nobody. but i think ill tell you anyway. i have a dream where someday ill have a tiny schoolbus, and i would paint on it whatever i feel like. it would be my mobile home and id just cruise around wherever i please. id see everything and go everywhere like frisco and hollywood and maybe even nyc. i would stop in each interesting city, buy a magnet from a souveinir shop, and put it on the inside of my bus. and i would stay there for a while, enough time to get a job as a cook for a local pastry store. then i would take a picture with the crew and we would say our goodbyes. i would develop the picture and put it in a scrapbook and write about my time there. then i would move on. i would write poems in that bus, i would paint in that bus, i would talk on the phone all night in that bus, i would myspace on that bus, i would dance in that bus, i would do everything imaginable there. and i would call it... melody. and write her name on the front of the bus, with little notes everywhere. the end.

just thought of them: i noticed i have a LOT of pet peeves. like, the word 'pet peeves' is one of them. i dont like it when people ramble on and on about their problems to me. i totally CARE and try and do my best to help, but i need a break. and it makes me feel like...just an object to be talked to. it gets me overwhelmed. i dont like it when people are selfish and always make everyone else do shit for them. like, its bad enough we have to deal with always getting the short end of the deal from you. i hate being bossed around. [ex. ariel] its like, can you at least say please? and then thank you afterwards? some people are just really rude and dont even give a damn. how cool, eh? i hate it when people just take my food like its okay. just because we are friends doesnt mean you can take my food without asking. it annoys me SO bad, i fume about it. i never ask people for food unless they offer. not everyones like that, and its okay. but they can ASK and maybe say PLEASE if they want something. not just grab at my food. fuck. god. i hate it when people ACT like they care about what i say. so, your life is more important than mine so you feel no need to listen to me? to act like you THINK what im saying concerns you? okay. i hate it when people complain too much. [ex. liesel] complaining just makes everything worse and even APPEAR worse than it actually is. just like...STFU PLEASE. negativity is not for me. but its not like i go kiss mr. sunshine every second either. still, when people bitch all the time it shows that they have nothing better to do, or they cant deal with anything themselves. it bugs me when people cant go places themselves. well its fine if someone asks if anyone wants to go with them, but if no one wants to go and then that person bitches at other people for not going with them, thats...omg. it gets me worked up. its like NO ONE IS GOING TO BEAT YOU UP IN THE HALL WAYS. no, you will not look foolish. do you see all the other loners? just walk to the god damn locker or bathroom by yourself thats 3 yards away, wont you? thanks. it annoys me when people disrespect their parents. parents are unfair and stupid sometimes, i know. but dude. no matter what you dont just ignore what your rents say. thats just sooooooo ignorant and childish, it makes me laugh. and when parents say 'no' people just push themselves through so that they have it THEIR way all the time. if they dont, they just totally show attitude. its annoys me when girls show off or act different in front of guys. its natural to want to impress the opposite sex, but please dont do it and make it look obvious and fake. i think i should stop. but i cant stop fuming, it feels pretty constant on me right now so i should let it out, yes? no? rude? yea. maybe im done. oh nope. i hate it when people are like 'here' and they give me their shit. as in trash. and im like 'thanks?' no. you go throw your own god damn fucking trash away in the trash can thats a foot away from me. you can walk too. i throw my own shit away, you should be able to as well. if you were disabled, maybe thats a different story. i dont like it when people use 'gay' as an adjective and 'fag'. its immature, and rude to people who are actually gay. it bugs me when people fight with their parents in front of me. like...liesel. actually, a lot of times its happened with a lot of my friends. its sad. i feel bad. like, i shouldnt be there. but also, it makes me uncomfortable. it makes me feel awkward, like im witnessing something i shouldnt. it makes me feel like i should leave or something. i only fight with my brother and sister, and even then i try to keep it on the dl because i dont want my friends to feel awkward. it annoys me when people think their life is worse than everyone else's, which makes them more 'important' than everyone. no one is more important than anyone else. people have problems just like yours too, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. it bugs me when people talk about the same things over and over. like, something happens and theyre like 'omg. i cant believe that happened!!!' and they keep on mentioning it afterwards. and its like '...okay yea cool. you just told me about it 2 minutes ago, i think i remember.' it makes me feel lame when people are like 'blahblahblah. HAHAHAHA! oh. inside joke, you dont get it.' its like...okay. thanks for making me feel sort of left out. maybe you should burst out your inside jokes with the people you had them with? and if you want other people to know, just like...say 'oh em gee theres this inside joke that me and blahblah had yesterday!' instead of out of the blue say it and tell me that i dont get it cause i wasnt there. i really like inside jokes, but personally i dont like sharing them. cause i know it makes people feel left out by looking at their expressions. i feel very mean right now. yea. i should stop. or else ill just make myself think of more so i feel like everything is out. but i guess it is. im just freaking out right now, cause im sick of being pushed around and being everyone's bitch. i mean, not EVERYONE. but like, especially in the past. my mom tells me im too nice. no, im not. its just that some people dont know how to show any fucking respect sometimes. i respect people until they disrespect me. but i cant give them a taste of their own medicine, because then I will be the one whos being a bad friend. but then what can i do to make them stop whatever theyre doing? accept it. hmph. no ones perfect. gotta deal. but i just dont want to be stepped on, im already thin as a paper.

wow lets all gasp, nicole's listening to ashlee simpson. its a party song an anthem. but then again, i dont need love right now. im pretty content without it. silly crushes get me all worried. 'does he like me?' 'does he think im stupid?' 'does he ever think about me?' yea i cant do that its just hard. itd be nice if a guy had balls to tell me straight out if he likes me, i like that in a guy. but i know guys get caught up in that too. its weird thinking about guys that way like they are like girls kind of. well, some of them but uhm. i just hate boys, especially the players. god. the ones who just flirt with all the girls, and since probably all of them gals return his flirting, he sends them the wrong signs and the girls end up getting hurt. but i want a boy. it makes me feel like im on top of the world, its cool. truly. extremely, like wow. i also hate certain girls. well, only a few. Polly Pocket. small, long blonde hair, a&f prep. but theres a major twist, shes definitely not looking very appropriate for children to play with. her face is caked with makeup so she looks extremely fake. its gross. and then her boobs. her bras all must be push-up, because i swear every single day i see her walking, her shirt is pulled almost all the way down with her cleavage hanging out for the world to see. its a wonder none of the staff says anything about it. maybe shes too small to spot in a crowd. thats another thing. why do girls need to show off body parts to get guys? its okay for girls to have confidence, to think theyre pretty enough to flaunt what they have. but not like that. i guess its okay though, the guys dig it. and thats ALL that matters of course. thats why all the 'pretty' girls score with the hot guys. lots of pretty girls show major skin, lots of hot guys are shallow and get hard just taking a glance. those girls win all the time. Lion Girl. at the beginning of the year when i had geography with her, she and i sat next to each other. she crossed her legs making her foot practically shoved up in my face. i looked down at her foot. the shittiest, jacked converse ive ever seen. trying to show off that youre hxc? no. please. none of that around me, thank you. so, i get transferred out but then we end up in the same p.e. class together. hm. she dies her hair black+wears leggings+goes scene. i dont mind, high school is a time for change. but shes a hypocrite, claims she hates scene kids and copy cats and loads of black eyeliner and makeup. but thats what she's all about. shes so god damn mean, too. dont even get me started on that. definition of scene: Lion Girl. 110%. laterrr.

sooo. Puff the Magic Dragon? never knew it was a show until ellen told me. i remember this one time [at band camp] at night, my dad+yuki+me were in the living room, and we had one light on. and he had his guitar and sheets of music with the words and a picture of a dragon on it, and he played it and yuki and i would sing to it. like it was the greatest thing evaaa and we sang it over and over and over until my dad would tell us to go to sleap. yea. good times, good times. those were the days when i thought my dad was the coolest guy ever. like, he was fun. yea. now hes like, all business cooped up in his room. whatever IM NOT GETTING INTO THAT because i dont know anymore whether or not i like my dad. notice how i use the word 'like' cause i dont really love him like i love my mom. 'sit tight im gonna need you to keep time come on just snap snap snap your fingers for me'

okay. so like uhm i had a scarier dream last night, compared to the one i had a few nights ago. i was in this deserted town, it was daytime. there was this creepy tall house. run down, light blue, dirty, empty. for some reason there were other people there looking at it, like it was some open house thing. i walked into the house for a few seconds, and then right away it turned into night. i walked out of the place and looked at it, and there were a whole bunch of white lights shining inside, like it was some business building. but then i looked out at the 'town' and it was totally blazing with fire. everywhere. i got really scared and so i just started running, i didnt know where the hell i was going. i was just running. i came to this other house that sort of looked like the building i went into. it was very much on fire. i guess my family lived there or something. and suddenly i was screaming. i think i was screaming 'NO'. but anyway, my dad perished in the fire. i didnt know where anyone else was, but i saw my mom. she was in our car, just sitting there and staring ahead. i opened the passenger door and at first i was afraid to say anything. cause she totally looked possessed or something. then i just tapped her and was like 'WE HAVE TO GO!' cause there was just fire everywhere you looked. so she snapped out of it and kind of smiled at me, and was like 'oh, yes. sorry, sorry.' it was really weird...like, it was as if she thought it was no time to be mourning, so she kind of laughed to herself like she was being unreasonable at the moment. hm. so then i took her out of the car... and the weirdest thing happened. i think we were going to long beach. but somehow she was with me, and we just started gliding along these trains tracks. i guess yea, we were headed for long beach to uncle mike's house. but on the way there, we were just following train tracks... there were tons of them, twisting and turning whereever. and on some of them i even saw cars, and there was water on them. i dunno. we got to uncle mike's house and it was even bigger than how big their house is now. it was two stories and peach. i think it was one of the houses here in ventura that we always pass by. anyway, all of a sudden my mom was gone. and i was crying, so i guess she died or something. i was really very sad. i think....ken or yuki was with me. but i dont remember. yea. i dont remember much about the rest. but i think someone was telling me 'its okay' and a lot of people were sad and crying. i walked into the house and all of a sudden it was night, and it was really dark with a few lights. they were kind of orange-ish and glowy...like from my other dream. i dont know why, but i think i was in 'blairs' house. i guess she was having a birthday sleepover party. so i walked up the stairs, but i was really scared. i looked around, i guess i thought there was some killer/ghost thing around. i went into this room and i looked under the bed. i saw someones leg and i touched it, and it was deandras. which is really funny because i dont even talk to her, and i dont know...whatever. and she came out from under the bed and was like 'ah, okay.' and then that was it. for that part. then it switched to this other place.. it was like, some futuristic cafeteria. except all the lights were off. you could kinda see stuff, cause through the walls there was this dim glowy blue light. well there werent any chairs, and the tables were some kind of...machinery. but it was still round. there was this lead guy standing at the top of the cafeteria, and i guess it was some sort of military. but people were rushing around quietly and doing stuff with the 'tables'. it was like we were preparing for something. i cant remember anything more. thats pretty much it. but i hated the fire part. like, i never want one like that again. i really felt scared like shit and really agonizingly sad. let's focus on going to ileana's quincenera, now. partypartyparty

before i forget my dreams i should write them here. last night, ohman. scariest dream by far. ellen and i were in this giant mall and there was this little door on a wall in between two stores. in that room was where we were. there was a single lightbulb, and the room was glowing orange but it was mostly dark. i remember there were two middle-aged men, both a little overweight. there was another adult with us, a female, much older than ellen and i. she was lying on this couch, and i was sitting on one end of it, closest to the door. im not sure where ellen was sitting though. i have no idea what was going on... maybe we were just lounging? who knows. but anyway. there is a coffee table in front of the couch so then all of a sudden, one of the guys comes out from underneath it and starts screaming and he takes out this syringe. well like, a huge needle thing. and he stabs it in the lady and so im like 'OMG WTF!!!!!' but he sees that im about to escape so i start running towards the door and he trips me by grabbing my foot, but im still going and i make it out of the door. so then i just cant think about anything else cause im scared out of my mind. im running around the mall, just screaming. mindlessly. im like 'HELPP!!! HELPP!!! RAPIST, HE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!!!' and i remember my throat feeling hoarse cause i was screaming so much and so loud. and the guy was following me around like 'NO, NO! i didnt do it!!! seriously, shes lying!' he just kept on saying that over and over and i kept on screaming. the sad thing is, no one paid attention. so i was just running away from him past people who were just having a dandy day. then it went to another scene it was in the same place. will was following me around the mall, keeping a good distance away from me. i guess he was trying to tell me something, but i kept on walking away because i didnt want to hear it. i remember i felt so pissed off. like, my fury was making my face feel hot. i was making that one noise you make when youre frustrated. like, a half scream in your mouth. mmm. uhm and then i was so fed up with him, i finally turned around and i yelled 'LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!!' so he gave me this hurt look, and then this mad look. and he stormed away. but when i said this, i thought he would try and keep on trying to tell me something. i wanted him to pester me until i totally gave up, i have no idea why. so when he left, i felt guilt and sadness. hm. and then it flashed back to the door between the stores. it was then i realized that i left ellen in there, and i felt kind of horrible. so there was this pizza store next door, and i looked around in the back of it and saw this door that led straight to that room. so i talked to the pizza man, but then all of a sudden there were these other people trying to help me that appeared out of nowhere. i was like 'SIR, you HAVE to open that door!! my friends in there! OPEN IT!!' so he was being difficult, and i tried opening it myself. but then he eventually opened it by pushing it with his body. ellen came out and i was pretty happy. i felt very bad at that moment though. but instead of being panicked or scared or crying, she just stood there like everything was okay. i dont know what happened to her because she wouldnt say, but it seemed to me like she could have just walked out of a department store. instead of a room with deadly middle-aged men. so then i remember thinking to myself 'gosh. shes probably going to be like..one of those people who brags about getting raped, and she'll act like its not big deal. or maybe she'll isolate herself from things and point out that she was raped, just for attention.' and i was so mad because i guess it took me a long time to get to that room and get that door open for her, and i had felt so bad that i left her. yet i didnt get a thank you or anything, and she didnt even look at me. but it wasnt because i had left her in there. she didnt seem to care about that, or anything, of that matter. godd. and i had another dream with zack in it. like, he likes taking showers. so i remember i was sitting next to him, somewhere where it made it so that i was taller than him. i was looking at the top of his head and his hair was pretty shiny and blonde. i wanted to pet him or something, but instead i just placed my face into his hair. and he turned to me and was like 'what you doin?' and i smiled and was like 'you smell good.' i remembered he smelled like cold flowers. its the cold when you get out of the shower, and it smells all fresh and nice. and we just sat there like that. it was pretty out of the ordinary. kay im done now off to the school that is starting to suck.

oh mann. im very mean. so so so mean. like, unexplainably mean. sheesh. i didnt even know what i was doing until it was over. i was sitting in biology and talking about ariel hoffman. so uhm ariel isnt the coolest person. and im not saying that im cool, but like...shes the definition of sad. like, the bad kind of sad. not the omg i want to cry sad. she wears cat eyeglasses, long denim skirts, camis, and she is overweight. i have p.e. with her. she has no friends whatsoever, she hangs out with our stupid teacher and associates with her 24/7. she tells on people every like 5 minutes because in p.e. no one listens. its like a period where you can be a jackass and it wouldnt matter. but to ariel, apparantly it does. and she wants to be teacher's pet so she goes and tells mrs. harrison everytime someone does something 'bad'. and she bosses people around nonstop, and tells us things we already know. like mrs. harrison tells us we need to get into teams of 7 or something so ariel turns to the class and says to, specificly me for some reason, "Get into teams of 7!!" and liesels like "yea. we already know, god. shutup." it gets annoying, because for one thing i hate being bossed around. and also, ariel is doing it. i dont exactly favor her. in the locker rooms i hate to change across from her, and god, the spaces between each locker is so very minimal.. so yea. randomly, she just stops changing and stares at people changing. and it creeps me out very badly. like, i just want to yell at her and say "what?? youve never seen a girl change? wtf is your problem?? turn around and change!" but of course thats mean and that would stir trouble for me. did i mention that she sings to herself quietly? no wait. actually loudly. like she means it. i do that to, but she has this voice where it makes it seem like it would be on a scary movie. anyway. explanation and history over. in bio i was talking to robin, and robin knows ariel too. so i was just pissed and starting going on and on about ariel and everything that i just talked about. and i noticed this girl sitting behind robin and i could tell she was totally eavesdropping. but i wasnt thinking so i just rambled on and then the bell rang and that girl that was listening, she suddenly stormed out of the classroom. and then i thought. that girl is in band, ariel is in band... would they possibly be in the same class? would that girl know and maybe be friends with ariel? and i felt really guilty. like, i thought about how mean and bitchy i sounded. i never said i hated ariel though. i kept on saying 'but i feel bad for her'. ariel cant help the way she is i guess. she has a disorder, where its hard for her to make friends. so i understand where she's coming from. but i was just mad, cause she was bugging me a shitload in p.e. i really hope she doesnt hear about it. but then again karmas a bitch. a big one. id feel like the shittiest person alive if i knew she heard about it. cause she cries so easily. its all about insecurity, plus her disorder. today when we were doing sit-ups, she cried. cause she could only do 7. i mean, there were tons of people who werent even trying who are fit and they only did like, 11. but she cried. probably because she was insecure. so im considering stopping myself from talking trash about people. even when i vent, because somehow someone will hear about it. and it will get to the person that i talked about. yea it sounds stupid, but i dont see why i cant just accept people. i complain too much about them. but when i was talking to brenda and liesel about ariel during p.e. and making fun of her, and making up a name for her, it felt...good. like, it seemed fun at the time. because ariel was so damn bossy to everyone, and it felt like we were getting back at her. but now i just feel guilty about it. and guilt is what im afraid of because i guess it makes me realize what i did wrong. and im over alyssa. i guess i should get over ariel. but the one girl that i will probably never get over is justine. aka chihuahua. oh man im not even going to get started, but i think that whenever someone is rude or mean or something, ill just ignore them. because people like that dont matter, because they make others feel like theyre worthless. two people i hate: connor scott + chihuahua time for making valentines.. for hours.. and the gluing.. and writing.. i actually found it fun to write to people. personal stuff. i know i like getting personal stuff, it makes me feel closer to that person. definitely. byebye

"Today i showed a rock to my friend. it was the color pink, smooth and sort of bumpy. it was my good-luck charm. my friend said she wanted a piece of it. i didnt want to break it into pieces and give it to her. but then without asking, she threw the rock down on the ground. i gasped. i said i really didnt want to break it, and she said she was sorry. i didnt believe her because she told lies all the time. i knew she didnt mean it. she's always stingy. then when she goes off to day-care, she'll probably show off MY rock. when i walked across the street, i saw a boy i knew. his name was niko. he asked i wanted anything to eat because he was eating. i said no. i cried when i walked home. now its not my good-luck charm anymore." november 12th, 1999 so i was in third grade. i love how i wrote that i 'gasped.' quite funny and i also love how i randomly put in that niko gave me food. haha when i first read this, i was like 'wow. so i appreciated a rock?' i appreciated the little things in life. is that important? now that i think about it it is. because a rock is pretty important. eroded rocks are what makes beaches basically beaches. rocks are what make mountains mountains. rocks are how we have sidewalks to bicycle on and run on. rocks are what we use to make stupid not-humorous jokes about rock and roll. our earth is basically a freaking rock. but of course i didnt think about all this when i was a child. i was only thinking selfishly, hating that girl's guts with a passion because she wanted my rock. but hey, kids are kids. and i was a queer one. [and i hate how queer means 'weird' but people use it as 'gay'.] wow. i remember the first time i realized that once i died, i would never ever come back. at least, not as nicole tetsuko nomura. ill say this.. i was fucking scared out of my mind. i wanted to just shrivel up and die right there on the floor, i cried my eyes out and i had this very, very strange feeling in my body. it felt like i ceased to exist or something. i started worrying about every single thing, but at the same time, nothing at all. but i had a sense of serious panic. now that i look back, it actually scares me how much i was scared haha. like..at the time i was in sixth grade. i was like WHATTT NO MORE SPONGEBOB! NO MORE FRIENDS! NO MORE FOOD! NO MORE SUMMERS! NO MORE PLAYING OUTSIDE! NO MORE MOMMY AND DADDY!! NO MORE ME... now im like well duh. we all live life to die at the end, hopefully the very future end. thats why i must live it good live it like i mean it. ja'know? mmhmm. yea. like, even though shit happens im like okay. part of life, dont get all OMFG I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DIE cause then that will be just nonsense. i dont feel like dying anytime soon. i love life. i love life like i love nothing else because everything thats in my life makes it utterly rad. and damn i just love it baby. if i were to die in a month, id want to do many things. if i could do ANYTHING i wanted to, and if i had the money and power to, i would: -find nolan and tell him everything that i felt about him and then smack his face. -buy a grand piano and play for my mother everyday. -tell lion girl, alyssa, and justine-whore that i hated them and that i wished it wouldnt have ended up that way. -meet every single person in the world, whether they understand me or not, whether they are nice or mean. -save the trees, clean up the world. -fire bush. -find mr. beneke and tell him to teach me his ways of life. -play with my brother, and be a big sister. -find tim and tell him to go fuck himself because he will not accomplish anything in his life. -sleep outside with zackary one night and talk about everything imaginable -hug and kiss and high five all the people i know, and tell each of them why i really appreciate them and love them. -go find the people from linkin park and command them to play for me, because they are the first rock band i ever loved. -bake the perfect chocolate cake. -buy acres and acres of free fields on the countryside and plant sunflowers and daisies so i could sing to them and dance through them everyday. -it would take too much time to list EVERYTHING. oh mann. i just realized how many things there are to be done. how many things there are to want to do. like if i made a list right now of every single thing i could do before i would die, id be overwhelmed with myself. so im probably excited about the rest of my life. im not scared of death. im not scared of dying. unless i die by rape/murder/other/etc. gosh. so many things to do. and now i think about how many times i say 'I HATE LIFE'. i should stop. cause what if every time you said 'i hate life!' your life would end? liesel would be long gone. there are many people i know who say that, and its just about the stupidest things ever. like, seriously. STUPID. S-T-U-P-I-D. sorry. but it seems pretty pathetic now that i think about it :/ saying that you hate life is like saying you dont want to live anymore, and that makes me sad. even if you dont mean it when you say it, youre STILL saying it. sure, ill say 'i hate the way my life is going right now.' but i should swear on my life that ill never say that i hate life. cause its cool. like lemonade on a lazy summah dayy. mmm. cant wait for my 14th summer. i think i want to write a novel someday, writing non-stop and going on and on about what i think about. but who would read it? time to go make hand-made valentines now. bye.

friday niiight. supposed to get ready for a kickass dance biggest one of the year, all four high schools @ seaside. supposed to get ready for his kickass concert cause i missed his other one, and i havent been to one before. basically my mother is not letting me do anything. 'you are not old enough' -_- then why do they allow ALL high schoolers to go? i need a friendfriend who is like me. who doesnt go out and partyparty where its at cause their parents wont let them. orrr like i could use a guy.. to be friends with. and hang out and be cool and play videogames with or rather. i think id enjoy that way too much i want to go on an adventure. with a guy. so i can share my mind with him. all the girls already know how i roll, but guys dont. theyre just like 'oh. hi nicole. i see you like the color red' and thats really all. thats all they think there is to nicole but im not saying theres much. sure i like the color red. but i also like the shade maroon and i like the sky when its cerulean and i like to look out the window when its raining and i like to smell flowers when my nose isnt stuffed. and more. my stomach feels all acidic, too much orange juice. i want to go throw it up so itll go away i hate this feeling. but i dont want to be bulimic. like nicole richie. that woman needs help. i have a feeling everyone is moving on except for me. it feels... not good. and im not sure i like the same friends anymore and i hate that because we've been friends forever and stuff. its because i cant hang out n shitt but, have people moved on from me? are some people tired of me? i wonder who hates me. alyssa probably does, and that mexican good-for-nothing-whore justine. and probably lion girl as well. ew. gosh it makes me a little nauseaus just thinking about her face. mean, yes? she started it. home alooooone. lame. stupid. im a loser, i should just walk right out the door. where would i go, though? seaside is obviously too far to walk away. i dont know how to get to the sweatshop. every single one of my friends are out well. the ones i have here. friday night has never sucked this bad. ... friday night... actually yes. it has. but i dont care about that yes. tonight is a bitch in the ass [dirty sanchez, brah!]

i just love how Love isnt chasing me. during the summer it seemed like Love was the only thing in my life, and it was. but like now its not even something thats mentioned. it kind of ran away from me. but... i guess its okay. because all 7 of those guys were not worth it at all. and im not sorry to say it, because unfortunately its true. still though. i hate not having that feeling where someone feels like they NEED you. i hate not feeling wanted anymore its so lame but then again im pretty lame. im complaining about love hah. i remember they days i liked nolan. the YEARS i liked him. 3rd-8th grade, nonstop omg overobsessive. he never even gave me a passing glance in the hallways, even though he called me his 'best pal'. haha noway, man. noway. never. no. gosh. i used to think he was the greatest thing that ever happened in this world. he was cute funny outgoing 'charming'. i kept on telling myself to look past his arrogance and stuff so i didnt pay attention to the things he did to me in 7th grade... but anyway. thats over with. completely. i finally realized on graduation day of 8th grade that nolan was NOT worth anything. all along he was just this cocky, shitfaced, ego-tistical, full-of-himself, arrogant boy. who used me..to his 'advantage'. id like to have slapped him, or even myself. because i still wanted him to sign my yearbook. what was nicole thinking?? valentines day is coming up real soon. ew. sick. gross. bleh. go away. loverss. im only in it for the candy+flowers+chocolate, not like im expecting any. for once i thought i knew i wouldnt spend this valentines alone, but hey. i was wrong again. im single on valentines for the 14th year in a row :] but...there are still some people like that? right? oh well. why do i complain so much about Love? because it involves candy+flowers+chocolate? giveittomebabyyyyy IHATELOVE

theres so much i dont even feel like typing. wow im so lazy look at meeee.

so new semester new stuff. international foods is dandy, health seems pretty cool. i made a new friend. i ate an omg-delicious hershey's bar [i owe gabriella $1.] i made an appointment to see my eye doctor to get me some glasses [fucking finally. jesus.] i get to start my grades over, life is almost swell. i dont like saying 'fuck' it makes me feel stupid, and i dont like feeling stupid. because like, i am insecure and stuff. i wish there was a pill to make your insecurity go away. everytime i go up in front of a class, i feel like theres something wrong with me. like theres a sign taped onto my back or i sat in something. today in health there was this kid who went up to the front of the room. he had a bandaid on the back of his tshirt. 'should i tell him? no. it would seem weird. you dont even know him. the class is quiet. people will think you are obnoxious. besides, what if he already knows its there and he wants to keep it there? i dont know why he would, but what if?' i dont like thinking too much about things. in class today, we had to write an event where we realized something important. but first we put our heads down and thought about it. because Mrs. Bowling Pin made us. i thought about the time i went to see my grandfather in the hospital. i remembered it so crystal clear. it was like reliving it all over again, which i didnt want to. my face started getting hot, and i felt my eyes stinging. i wish they didnt. i like books. i never realized how much i do. its nice. its nice to know that i can read something and not say 'omfg. books are the most stupidest shit ever. i hate them. i never ever want to read them.' i love books. they take me to paradise. well actually if they are sad and depressing, it makes me realize how awesomely nice my life is. wow i am being weird. i miss drumline. i hate not playing. it makes me feel boring and empty. i have not yet learned new things, and i wish i could. but Idonarose and Arthur are busy. they are like, adults. the coolest ones. but still they have jobs and relationships and life to deal with, and adding in a few more people would be too much. oh well. i think that i am a lazy hippo but i like hippos but i dont. because they are rather large and they kill things because they trample and arent smart enough to look where they are going. too bad, so sad.

i think i should promise myself something. when i fall in love again i wont ever, ever say anything that i wont mean. i wont ever say anything that i know will never happen. i wont ever say anything that will be meaningless tomorrow, or the next day. i dont care if it sounds right for the moment. because if theres a breakup that person will get hurt afterwards, when they think about what i said. because they realize it wasnt true after all. that it was just kind of worthless. i wouldnt want them to be hurt. because i care. and i would feel like the most mean, hurtful, stupid person. ever. and i wouldnt be able to forget it because i remember. ill always remember it and feel sort of guilty. id think about that person. if youre reading this and youre thinking 'wow youre really stupid. just move on you dumbhead.' id shoot your face off. maybe. because people who dont care about people theyve hurt, dont matter. at all.

i think he forgot about me, but he promised me he wouldnt. maybe i should forget about him. i have goosebumps. i want a kid to love me, but im just pathetic.

so like. love. ew. cant stand that word, but i want it a lot. whatever i wish i could go to the concert. cause like duh good people are playing there and its cheap. $17? yea. my dear mother, always trying to protect me ... like... i have no immune system, so i cant go anywhere outside of my house. or else ill get killed or something. bubbleboy. dang that movie was like uhmm well jake gyllenhall is cuuute. :) im glad its friday but im not glad i got nothing to do but homeworkingg. ... life kills right now, i wish it were better. cause i like being happy and stuff. it makes me feel good. i wish i had a boy that would always make me happy and whatnot. bye.