"Today i showed a rock to my friend. it was the color pink, smooth and sort of bumpy. it was my good-luck charm. my friend said she wanted a piece of it. i didnt want to break it into pieces and give it to her. but then without asking, she threw the rock down on the ground. i gasped. i said i really didnt want to break it, and she said she was sorry. i didnt believe her because she told lies all the time. i knew she didnt mean it. she's always stingy. then when she goes off to day-care, she'll probably show off MY rock. when i walked across the street, i saw a boy i knew. his name was niko. he asked i wanted anything to eat because he was eating. i said no. i cried when i walked home. now its not my good-luck charm anymore." november 12th, 1999 so i was in third grade. i love how i wrote that i 'gasped.' quite funny and i also love how i randomly put in that niko gave me food. haha when i first read this, i was like 'wow. so i appreciated a rock?' i appreciated the little things in life. is that important? now that i think about it it is. because a rock is pretty important. eroded rocks are what makes beaches basically beaches. rocks are what make mountains mountains. rocks are how we have sidewalks to bicycle on and run on. rocks are what we use to make stupid not-humorous jokes about rock and roll. our earth is basically a freaking rock. but of course i didnt think about all this when i was a child. i was only thinking selfishly, hating that girl's guts with a passion because she wanted my rock. but hey, kids are kids. and i was a queer one. [and i hate how queer means 'weird' but people use it as 'gay'.] wow. i remember the first time i realized that once i died, i would never ever come back. at least, not as nicole tetsuko nomura. ill say this.. i was fucking scared out of my mind. i wanted to just shrivel up and die right there on the floor, i cried my eyes out and i had this very, very strange feeling in my body. it felt like i ceased to exist or something. i started worrying about every single thing, but at the same time, nothing at all. but i had a sense of serious panic. now that i look back, it actually scares me how much i was scared haha. like..at the time i was in sixth grade. i was like WHATTT NO MORE SPONGEBOB! NO MORE FRIENDS! NO MORE FOOD! NO MORE SUMMERS! NO MORE PLAYING OUTSIDE! NO MORE MOMMY AND DADDY!! NO MORE ME... now im like well duh. we all live life to die at the end, hopefully the very future end. thats why i must live it good live it like i mean it. ja'know? mmhmm. yea. like, even though shit happens im like okay. part of life, dont get all OMFG I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DIE cause then that will be just nonsense. i dont feel like dying anytime soon. i love life. i love life like i love nothing else because everything thats in my life makes it utterly rad. and damn i just love it baby. if i were to die in a month, id want to do many things. if i could do ANYTHING i wanted to, and if i had the money and power to, i would: -find nolan and tell him everything that i felt about him and then smack his face. -buy a grand piano and play for my mother everyday. -tell lion girl, alyssa, and justine-whore that i hated them and that i wished it wouldnt have ended up that way. -meet every single person in the world, whether they understand me or not, whether they are nice or mean. -save the trees, clean up the world. -fire bush. -find mr. beneke and tell him to teach me his ways of life. -play with my brother, and be a big sister. -find tim and tell him to go fuck himself because he will not accomplish anything in his life. -sleep outside with zackary one night and talk about everything imaginable -hug and kiss and high five all the people i know, and tell each of them why i really appreciate them and love them. -go find the people from linkin park and command them to play for me, because they are the first rock band i ever loved. -bake the perfect chocolate cake. -buy acres and acres of free fields on the countryside and plant sunflowers and daisies so i could sing to them and dance through them everyday. -it would take too much time to list EVERYTHING. oh mann. i just realized how many things there are to be done. how many things there are to want to do. like if i made a list right now of every single thing i could do before i would die, id be overwhelmed with myself. so im probably excited about the rest of my life. im not scared of death. im not scared of dying. unless i die by rape/murder/other/etc. gosh. so many things to do. and now i think about how many times i say 'I HATE LIFE'. i should stop. cause what if every time you said 'i hate life!' your life would end? liesel would be long gone. there are many people i know who say that, and its just about the stupidest things ever. like, seriously. STUPID. S-T-U-P-I-D. sorry. but it seems pretty pathetic now that i think about it :/ saying that you hate life is like saying you dont want to live anymore, and that makes me sad. even if you dont mean it when you say it, youre STILL saying it. sure, ill say 'i hate the way my life is going right now.' but i should swear on my life that ill never say that i hate life. cause its cool. like lemonade on a lazy summah dayy. mmm. cant wait for my 14th summer. i think i want to write a novel someday, writing non-stop and going on and on about what i think about. but who would read it? time to go make hand-made valentines now. bye.