godd. i was myspacing [wasting my life again] and i came upon a picture of my ex. black+white. smiling such a nonchalant relaxed smile. made me feel like i was home, for some odd reason. what made matters worse is that there was a song playing that depicts JUST how its like right now for me. it made me crack. and i hate cracking under a lot of shit. it made me unhappy, and it made me wish he werent such a shithole fuckup assdick jerk. [mixing up words again, nicole.] but he really is a good kid... i hope. the things hes done arent swell though. my heart tells me hes crying out for something. i thought i gave it to him, but i guess i was just being naive and stupid. and he took advantage of that. everyone thinks he sucks and that YES, he is a shithole fuckup assdick jerk. but...for some reason i still love him. not in the 'omg marry me' way. i feel like he could have changed or something. that picture of him smiling. it made me feel like hes being something hes really not. hes hiding. i think about everything he told me about his childhood. he never got love. and his only true love, his savior, his MOTHER, is gone forever. and thats an undeniable fact. hes never met his father. he lives with an abusive uncle. he just wants to forget about everything and live life the way he wants to. you know what he told me? '..im going to feel like even more of a dick right now, but...could you not tell anyone about this? too many people already know and i just want to forget about it.' i told him like it is. he sounded so stupid, i almost laughed. i almost cried. oh, everyone will know. but i dont want to give him a worse life. i dont want that for him. i want him to have better, because hes fucking up himself. everything is so confusing though. imformation flying back and forth 'he said' 'she said' theres not question about it. will is a hxc unforgivable cheater. and to how many victims? lost count. lemme see...how many girls has he gone out with that i know about... start of summer to now, in order: -sammy -sara -michaela -me -hannah -michaela -kayla -me -tatiana -sarah -possibly hannah? im not a stalker. i just know everyone because i actually pay attention to people around me. i know their name, their grade, maybe even what middle/elementary school they came from. sometimes i feel like i pay attention to everyone who doesnt know who i am but no one ever takes note of ME. i dont expect it, i dont care much. but am i the only one who knows people? anyway. never in my life will i ever forget william kanengeiser. we met in a random gaming chat room. middle of summer of my 6th grade year, going into 7th. we talked. we loved each other. found out we were going to go to the same middle school. we met. we were shy. things were difficult. we didnt talk. we lost each other. last week of 8th grade [best days of my life.], i found him miracly. we talked. caught up on things. we fell in love once again. we planned things, i was intimidated and shy. i backed out on him a lot. he and i were anticipating days of school we would spend together. it never really happened, he wasnt man enough to say hi. i was just too shy. one night changed everything. the movie night. then another night changed my life forever. and thats the story that nobody knows. and its gone for good.