This place is a damn ghost town. Lord knows its been months since I've updated. Lots has happened. Don't feel like typing it all out, just need to let out some aggression. Heres the rundown: -Quit Kroger after 6.5 yrs -Got a new job as a preschool teacher -2 months later got laid off -jobless -on unemployment for right now -almost lost my grandpa -my friend who got married in march is now going through a divorce. -we're probably going to be losing our house...our landlord is dying This has all happened within the last 3 weeks...i need so desperately for something good to happen soon its not even funny. I'm now drinking alone. I'm moody. I'm depressed. I'm alone in general. I can't remember the last time ive been so low. Encouragement. Please.

I started seeing someone new for a while, and things got serious, and we slept together. And while doing this, something happened that shouldnt have after sex and I went to the Dr. This is something that I went to the Dr for with Brian, but they found nothing wrong. Didn't know why I was bleeding. This happened for a month once, and the Dr didnt find anything wrong. I went in this time, because Brian and the new guy are completely different in bed. This time, they found something. They found a cyst. They say that they dont think that its cancer, they switched my birth control, and im not allowed to take continuous pill packs anymore (to skip my period). This is such a reality check for me. The dr doesnt seem overly worried, but here I am walking around in a daze. I had a dream last night that it was cancer. In the end of the dream i wake up and my hair is gone. As much as i say it to people, I want to have children some day. I want three. Im sitting here crying over something that the dr told me not to worry about...how can i not worry? i cant write anymore tonight...this is where ill write about this. my myspace is too public and i really just need a place where few people know i go to vent...

im bored. as hell. and im never going on vacation from work again. i spend entirely too much money. he still calls me everynight and calls me by my old pet names, but somethings changed. ive changed. i think my brain is finally ruling over my heart, slapping it on the wrist everytime it wants to reach out to him. fucking bored. eh. im so so i guess.

Someday Love Will Find You Current mood: confused Category: Life ok, so please excuse me if this is jumbled and doesnt make much sense. I'll probably come back and edit, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out. So, this past weekend was my 21st birthday, and it really couldnt have gone much better. I had so much fun, I love my friends. I went to Cushions, and yes, he was there, and yes we finally spoke after a month and a have of ignoring eachother. He bought me like 5 drinks that night, saved me from a trucker who was describing the meat packing plants he goes to, picked up my tab on Sunday night, and bought me a drink last night when I stopped up to watch the dart tournaments. Sunday night, me, brian, dave, and josh were really the only ones in the bar, along with his friend adam and another bartender, it was empty. after close, brian disappeared for a while and i went to look for him. he was crying. i have never seen him cry in the 6 and a half years ive known him. he had told me saturday he still loved me. anyways, back to sunday. he left without saying goodbye, and called me later that night. he doesnt remember this. we were both drunk, but i dont black out. (except me forgetting that he sang to me over the loud speaker...how i could forget that, i dont know...) anyways. we talked about how someone had told me he was seeing someone else, and along with his sister, he denied ever saying that. he also got upset and cried and told me how bad it hurt him that i thought he had cheated on me. he told me that if i knew everyone up at the bar, they would tell me how much he loves me. cortney had never met him before sunday night, and had hated him, because everytime i talked to her about him, things were going wrong. she never really heard about the good things, to be honest there wasnt all that much good to talk about...but regardless, she really liked him, shes like me, a good judge of character. i was talking to his siter and she told me shes never seen him like this. ever. never so upset. i really dont know what to think about all this, im not sure how to take all of this. hes 28, never met my dad, my dad HATES him, he cant even keep his car insured, his license is suspended again, he doesnt have a diploma or a GED for that matter. so whats so attractive to me? why cant i just walk away after all the things hes done? where do i go from here? i can tell you that we wont get back together anytime soon. he can pick up my tab all he wants, but its going to take more than that for sure. im not sure i want to be tied down right now....to anyone. let alone someone whos broken my heart how many times? is it really worth it?

well its been a while since ive updated, ive been really busy with work and now school. Im now a junior, which means i have about 2-2.5 years to go, including this one. and i think im going to be able to stay on the deans list too. school is going well, i like my communications professor, hate the class. i have horrible anxiety about getting up infront of a group of peers and giving a speech. i cut back my hours to a whole 36 hours a week, if thats cutting back, and im in school 20 hours a week, so its a pretty fast paced schedule. my mom left her fiance about 2 weeks ago, and theyre already talking again. you know, im a pretty damn good judge of character, and so is my grandma, and niether of us can stand him. thats got to count for something. Brian and I are actually doing quite well, hes slowed down on the drinking a bit and has been talking about quitting smoking, which him even thinking about it is amazing to me. his sister and i had a long talk last night about him and it really explained why he is the way he is. i really shouldnt go into details, not even on here, because its essentially what i went through as a kid, plus some. it explained so damn much. i actually think thats all i had to say pretty much, and ill probably be posting from school more on mondays, im there from 1030-8 with three classes.

so i havent updated in a while...like...going on two months. no one else does either. Brian and I broke up, for the last time, we wont be seeing any more of him. What happened was, I had to take a pregnancy test last thursday, be cause I was late and my mom had a dream that i was pregnant. so it comes back negative and all, so i send him a text since he was still asleep, saying congrats, youre not a daddy, but we're going to start using protection + my birth control. and i get a text back that says id better find myself a new boyfriend. im sorry. i wont jepordize my future, my health, for a little bit of sex. that is the single most self centered thing i have ever heard. I told him that i t was ok if he was going to be a daddy, but theres no way in hell im going to be the momma. not with him. ever. then i get a text the next day saying that he didnt know we were broken up and he wanted his key back. i told him a. when you tell a girl to find a new boyfriend, thats a good clue that its over (not that i would just say, OK! i can get pregnant. no) and b. he never gave me a key, i took his key one morning or afternoon whenever he was sleeping and made my own copy. my $ = my key. i threw it away. i will not come second place to a bar anymore. i will not be used as a piece of ass anymore. i will not put myself out there anymore. i will not bend over backwards for anyone anymore. i will be someone, and he will not. i will make it, and he'll still be putting produce out at kroger. this is a huge blow to ym already nonexsistent self esteem. ive lost all faith. love does not exsist, or things like this wouldnt happen to people. i wouldnt constantly get hurt. nice comments would be nice...im not down, persay, just afraid. more on that later.

well. one year ago today. :) yesterday was a partially bad day. and a partially good day. i got into my first accident. i got my first ticket. it wasnt my fault. everyone is ok though. became so tense i couldnt move my shoulders and got a headache. had a really good time at Red White, & Boom. Even though there was an incredibly bad storm that barely missed us and it was so hot a humid we spent the day under umbreallas and i still got sunburned. my shoulders still ache. brians makinig me dinner before the fireworks tonight. we're drinking champagne afterwards. i juust need to get out of this mood. i think its because of my shoulders/head/sunbrun and ive been awake for only 2 hours and have already had a screaming match with my dad. on another note. i love how i slways take all the blame for falling outs with friends. i also love how it is always completely my fault when we lose touch. im so sorry i work full time and go to school full time when its in session and barely have time to keep up my social life let alone keep in touchj with people who obviously dont give a shit whether i talk to them or not, because if they did, id get an IM or two. i have admitted that i am partially guilty. but im sorry, i refuse to take all the blame anymore. im tired of people who i have called friends walking all over me. im also tired of people who think i want/need advice giving it to me when they havent been aroud, and/or havent heard the whole story. if i want advice, id ask. also, i basically pay my therapist $125 an hour to listen to me and my thought process to make sure that my thinking is clear in my own head. thank you for trying, but dont get upset when you give me advice, call me dumb, and i try to defend myself and get upset. that is all.

how is it that two people who are so different can be so hopelessly drawn towards each other?? like brian and i, were back together now. somewhat. we're taking it day by day, and for the most part each day only gets better. but we really are opposites. he's the: partier high school dropout smoker bad boy I'm the: stay at home kinda girl dean's list planner daddys girl. yet i absolutely love him with all of these qualities. even though he told me the other day he wants to try to quit smoking. and stop partying as much. who knows.

its amazing that soon after relationship ends, that relief comes, and then minutes later, and now two weeks later, one can sit here and miss that person so terribly. obviously, i dumped brian. again. yet i am still so drawn to him, and he is so wrong for me. why is it that opposites attract, when the opposites are so extreme that you know it wont last forever? is this all that sex brings into a relationship? i refuse to talk to him, yet we text back and forth like its no bodys business. like yesterday, we started texting at 4pm, and ended at about 230 am. we "talk" more now than we did when we were together. he worries about me a lot as well now. like he though i was going to drink on friday, and told me to be careful...he checked in on me yesterday to make sure that i had sunscreen on and i wasnt getting burnt, and last night i went on a walk at 1am and he told me to be careful, because it was late. if the mid and the heart have opposing viewpoints, which is right? i love him. i have had a crush on him since i was 14 years old. i am crazy about him. yet he is all wrong for me. am i just a glutton for punishment? or see something in him that other people dont? our one year would be this 4th of july. its not the idea of a boyfriend that i miss. its him.

brian and i are still doing well. we went out to dinner the other night. it was nice. i usually go to his place and we leave from there. i told my dad i was going to brians and we were going to go out to dinner, and he asked "why doesnt he ever pick you up?" and i just told him that he had never displayed any interest in meeting brian. he said that he never said that. so naybe that means that hes becoming more accpeting of us, and/or realizing that he and i are not going to stop seeing eachother on his account. im 20 years old. im going to do what i want within my best judgement. and right now, i want to be with brian. especially with things looking up the way they are. ive also finally decided to get professional help with my body image. my dad said he had no clue that it was that bad, because i told him that i was tired of hating myself and crying myself to sleep at night, when everyone else saw this great person. i dont think that anyone should have to go through life feeling tht way. i want to be happy with myself, and accept myself for who i am. maybe this will help? im now in the service desk at work. its not a raise or anything, but it shows that my manager doesnt hate me, i guess. i get mor hours now, and im going to be exhausted by the end of the week. heres my schedule this week, starting with yesterday: Sunday: work 3-11 Monday: class 9-10,1-3, 6-930pm Tuesday: work 9-5 Wednesday: class 9-10, 1-3, work 4-9. Thursday: work 10-6 Friday: class 9-10, 11-12 saturday: work 930-3 so as of 6pm thursday, ill be able to breathe. im exhausted from last night, and just hope i dont fall asleep in class tonight, and can wake up tomorrow morning. i like it more than what i was doing before i moved. today, i observed a 1st grade class for my first class.the principal didnt recognize me, but she was one of the people who got me into cheerleading in the 7th grade, knows my aunt jill, and shes in the store constantly. so i went up to her before i left and just said my name, and then told her i was jills niece. she freaked out because ive changed so much. i like hearing that. i know how hard those years were for me, and im proud of who i am now. now i have yet another connection in the teaching world :)

i never thought things with brian and i could be this good, honestly. ever since we talked the way we did the other week, things have changed so much in between us. hes actually making an effort to be with me more, so thats its not all on my shoulders to see him. its so strange to hear him say those three little words like he does. it almost terrifies me, because i know how catious he is with using them. hes now being forced to work 2-10 shifts now though, and thats a little rough. i think we may be moving our dinner night to sunday nights, when hes off, and im off by 530. my glasses arent right, i need to go back in. my dad called today and told them i was still seeing things blurred, and they said thats normal because theyre reading glasses. theyre not reading glasses. im farsighted in my left eye and have an astigmatism in my right. street signs are still blurred. the signs above the isles arent clear either. thats reading dumbass. ugh. the pharmacy lost my 12 month BC Rx i dropped off a few months ago. my last rx didnt run out until last month, but i was afraid id lose it so i gave it to them early to extend my previous one?? yea...definately not on file, never recorded that i dropped it off, its not even where they keep all the hand written Rxs. failures. i raised hell. but i called my dr and got a new one, but its only for 2 months. so im forced to go to the yearly tht was due in november. my last credit card payment goes out tomorrow. good riddance. so tired of that. and with goes the little parking ticket i got last weekend when i went to visit cortney again. it was only $20 though. but yea, thats just a quick update, ive got to straighten this place up a little and get to bed..gotta tutor the little ones tomorrow.

last night i went to a party at a coworkers house out in BFE. we got there did a couple shots and guess who shows up? Brian. it was common knowledge that the only reason he came was to check on me, because he knew i was going to get hammered. I started to cry for some reason so Robin and i ran across the street (literally) to the gas station for sprite. I calmed down by the time we go back, and for about half an hour Brian and i wouldnt really talk (we were already past the avoiding stage...its hard to avoid someone you work with) but we'd make and hold eye contact. eventually i ended up dancing and he came over and danced with me. The rest of the night we were inseperable, constantly talking, kissing, laughing, just having fun. so later on in the night he sits me down i guess and tells me that hes terrified because when we broke up he didnt feel the emotions toward me that he thought he should, and then he said it. he dropped the L-bomb. i know that earlier in the night we had many conversations in which i was crying and he just held me. i think that means that im hurting more than i thought. i just couldnt help it. and now hes telling me he loves me? heres whats going to happen. i will be going on a date tomorrow night, not with Brian. ill think about everything, and brian and i will definately talk, because if he wants me back, shits going to change. no ifs ands or buts about it. hes going to grovel at me feet for a bit. what do you guys think? ok plan? bad plan? im so confused. ------------------ somehow. i got burned last night. im told that i was supposedly on the pool table and got burned by robins cigarette when she tried to kiss me. we're a classy bunch.

so im already working on a date?? this is the nicest guy. havent seen him in 2 years. has beyond a lot going for him. hmmmm...

we're done. hes gone. we got into it on weds, our valentines day, but thats a long story but it ended with him snapping at me, me getting mad, him getting mad that i was mad, then ignoring me til today when i cornered him at work. i asked him what his problem was, and he saud he was thinking and, even though i already knew what it was about, i asked anyways, and he said that he wasnt sure if i was right for him (this wasnt the only thing he said, but thats the main jist of it). so i replied that i didnt think he was right for anyone, but thats ok, beause i can do better. and i walked away. ive cried and cried the past two days. but i finally decided to take everyones advice. im glad i did. ive already replaced the super cute gorilla he got me, its about to go up in the closet. i feel so alone. i want to cry, my eyes will well up, but then nothing. i miss more the idea of him than him actually. and i know this. hes: a. a drunk b. stuck in a dead beat job c. not ambitious in the least i could go on. last night i sat there and weighed the pros and the cons. i only came up with 3-4 pros. thats not good. ill live. i got my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed today though. had to look good before i dumped the bf.

todays valentines day. but b and i are celebrating it tomorrow, since i have class early tomorrow morning, and no class on thursday. he hasnt gotten me anything yet. well, he gave me my gorilla already, and as embarassing as it is, i sleep with it every night. he keeps asking me what i want, hes bad at shopping for people, i told him if anything at all, nothing big and to trust his gut. i know what i want. i wont get it. i dont have that part of him yet. my dads girlfriend was over last night, and asked my dad if i had lost weight. the pants i wore to work today were uncomfortably big now. you know, where the crotch sags down and you have an inch of extra room in the waistline. i loved it. i get my hair cut and i will more than likely get my glasses on friday. itll be a mini makeover day. last night in my night class, we made valentines,balloon-powered paper airplanes, and read chicka chicka boom boom. yup. im in college. i went through my frogs last night. i guess i should tell you all that ive been collecting frogs since about my freshman year of highschool, so about 5 years. i got rid of so many. only kept the special ones, and when i went through the stuffed frogs, id forgotten i had most of them. so if i had no idea they were there, they got the boot. oddly, it felt very cleansing. right now, everythings good. very good. but ive been thinking about a mistake i made about a year ago. but while the end result was inevitable, as in i knew that it wasnt going to last when this all happened, it doesnt excuse it. it was something that i said that id never do, and definatley something ill never do again. i dont know if the person im talking about reads this anymore, and i seriously hope that they know who its about...and for that matter, what its about...all i can say is im sorry. and i know from experience that just that phrase does nothing to erase the feelings. but, its all i can say. i beat myself up over this, a lot, actually. and i truly do feel bad, i just hope you realize that.

not really. i couldnt look at my computer for a while. i had 2 consecutive eye infections. let me tell you how much fun THAT was. well i had an eye doctor appt yesterday. i have to get glasses. found some i like, went to order them today. they were closed. bitches. i kinid of wandered from my diet this week. i went to OU last weekend to see some friends and ate real food. im slowly getting back to my horsefood. brian and i are doing well. my dad and i are doing pretty poorly. i got off work at 9 on weds and as usual went to brians. at 1030 my dad calls me asking me where i am. i had told him. he knew. we had talked about it. i mean, im 20 flippin years old. well, i told dad that if he didnt give me a little more reign then i was going to move out, and that i didnt want to end up like one of those girls whos dad is living and wont let them walk her down the isle. that shut him up quick. but things are good, i guess. i started more field experience today, in a kindergarten class at KinderCare. theyre so damn cute. i have so much to do this weekend/monday. im actually kind of excited about getting glasses????? ill eventually get contacts. maybe even the surgery down the road. byebye ps. didnt proofread. pps. never do.

well i havent cheated on my diet really, but i havent exercized, so im not getting on the scale. thats the worst of my worries right now. i realized how angry i am at my mom for getting engaged. im mad at the world. i completely went off on brian today and it wasnt right. hes really angry at me. and he should be. ive apologized, not much else i can do. im such a bitch. everytime i think about my mom getting married, i get angry. im angry now. im jealous and bitter. shes my mom, and i dont know the family shes moved in with well. ive got 3 new brothers and sisters all of a sudden, and now i have to share. i know how wrong it is to feel this way, and im sure itd be different if i had a better relationship with my dad. but i dont. i have a horrible relationship with my dad. i dont know how not to get angry like this. i can just feel it well up inside of me, and words really cant explain it. i want my mom back. to myself. no one else. i have to get over this.

ive finally decided ive had enough with my weight. i made the mistake of getting on the scale at the wrong time of the month. im now on a diet of sorts. i really wouldnt call it much of a diet. its basically just expanding what i eat and portion control. so now all you guys who actually read this, and i dont think anyone really does, im going to write about this, because this will be incredibly hard for me. any encouragement is appretiated when i stepped on the scale on sunday, to get my actual weight, i weighed in at 142.5 this is heavier than i have ever been, and its embarassing. so after talking to a few people, and crying all friday night, ive made my changes. my usual portions are now cut in half,i eat at least 1/3 pound raw veggies per day, and i watch my fiber and protien. i honestly feel like a horse.granted ive only been doing this since last friday, 4 days, im down 1.5 pounds. my goal is to loose between 10-15. im going to start walking my dog more, since running hurts me, and just doing small workouts throughout the day. like, while reading my friends entries, i did some arm exercizes. when i brought this up with brian, keep in mind that this was not the first time ive gotten upset, he finally got the point that i was genuinly upset and unhappy, and instead of getting upset like he usually does, hes going to help. he said he'll make me salads and healthier dinners. not that his cooking is unhealthy. so im sorry if this isnt an exciting entry for you guys, but this is something ive got to do. 142 pounds on a 5 foot girl isnt healthy. i really dont consider myself fat. i mean, geez, im a D cup, so thats where some of the weight went, but im unhappy when i look in the mirror. thanks for reading this far :)

ok, so this is a much needed update, although nothing exciting has happened. i honestly cannot believe that i still have this thing. anywho. ok, so. new years kicked ass, ill post pics later hopefully. i ended up going to my friend bobbys house and just partied all night. i cant remember the last time i drank that much. i really dont drink much in general. but anywho, it was a good time. our basement flooded the other day, 3 inches of water. my dad somehow managed to leave our utility sink running while he was at work, and our sump was unplugged. all this = me being an hour late to work and sweeping water toward the sump with my dad, all the while my older brother sits on his ass upstairs. it was great fun. bobby had another party last weekend. Robin made it her goal to get me trashed. mission accomplished. we'd both had 2 cherry bombs and decided to go buy bobby fish for his empty tank. the one guy at meijer told us it was ok to get them ourselves. he watched us get one, then said we were fine and he left. then the real pet guy came up and started yelling at us. oh well. i was drunk and couldnt stop laughing. brians cooking me dinner tonight. im excited. i know this sounds dumb, but brians making more of an effort in the relationship now, if that makes any sense. and theres something different in the way that he looks at me. i dunno. started class today, and one may be a problem. shes japanese and speaks just about no english. very nice lady though, we will see. PICS: Me and b just after midnight. i dont know who that guy is, one of brians friends i think. he kept trying to get me to show him my boobs... Robin spilled a ton of beer on me that night. This would be a good picture if it wasnt for the smoke. no clue.

so we actually made it to 6 months, brian and i. i find that amazing, looking back at what we've been through. and yet, looking back over the year at what we've been through, im not suprised at all. new years was awesome. for the first time in MONTHS i got completely obliterated. it was the damn cherry bomb robin gave me. im not built to party, i suppose. i ended up sick at the end of the night, Brian helped me walk out to his car and into his place. when i got dressed earlier that night, i didnt think about the possibility of getting that drunk. so there i go wearing the 4 inch stilletos that i was told not to wear by my foot doctor. oh well. i got a late christmas present from my aunt jill and uncle john. apparently, my aunt jill thought i was 21 because i got a huge bottle of champagne. my dad let me keep it though, and laughed when i told him that out of everyone in the house, im the closest to 21, so i can keep it. they also gave me $40, which all got spent today. i got a lot actually. i got a pair of jeans, a track jacket, and a pair of Pumas. i love pumas. they were on clearance for $30 something, but i had a $25 gift certificate bc i buy so many damn shoes there, so i ended up getting them for around $8 or something. yea. im that proud. I will never shop for a tie again. Brian found last night that he is to be a pall bearer (i dont know if thats how its spelled or not) for his friends mothers funeral tomorrow. he also found out that he could no longer find his only tie. guess who he asks to go get him one? ugh. never again will i buy a tie. im still not too sure how i feel about my mom getting married. I really like this guy and everything, but it feels like an intrusion on my life or something. i dont know. all i do know is that ive got laundry to do before tomorrow. ugh.