life is a jagged line. high points, low points. the average line's there too. a cousin dies. why do some people have to die? why does it happen all around us? why do i not blink an eye when thirty people die in an earthquake? why am i conflicted when one does? i guess for the families of those thirty, there is only one person on their mind. and so it is for me. we care for some people so much. a loss is always untimely. unexpected. and it shakes you. stirs something deep inside you. maybe a sense of purpose? maybe that's the meaning of life. to feel so much sadness, but to always remember how life was once, and will again be. memory. what a curse. and such a gift. im tired. but still im participating. hopefully tomorrow will be better. maybe tonight will already be better. maybe im better now. maybe i know what's coming already. maybe i can do something about it. maybe maybe maybe. fuck knows. fuck this. fuck you. kia kaha.