my hearts pounding why? i checked my phone and i had 1 new message, but thats not why my hearts poundings... its pounding because the message could be from you.

its out of my control as well. we are broken up. more difinitively, we'd broken down a long time ago and then we blew up and so now were broken up. but my feelings never got the message. somebody tell my anticipation that it'd be better of waiting at a train station. atleast trains run to a timetable. contact from you is like a fly in my lounge. maybe you land on the window, maybe you land on the door, maybe you turn circles for an hour maybe you land on the floor. im trying to say its erratic.

and my ears are filled with the static of all the bad things you said and all the bad things i said until it gets so loud i have to shout my will to love again with all my strength. and then. and then its calm. and im empty. but im not running on empty. im full. ready to go. i can go. up. down. doesnt matter. im not a mad hatter but i had a matter to deal with.

in other words you. and your affect. in effect its non-descript, i couldnt reason with it but it lived with me. some people call it baggage? but why? baggage is useful, it carries what you want when your hands are full or tired. this was more like a marriage, and i see you saying what but let me finish. it is more like a marriage, but pre arranged. how can people do that? let your kid be in that situation, its so deranged. anyway its more like an indian marriage because you dont want it but you learn to live with it.

so here i am with my phone. and my smile that i dont smile, that my marriage makes me smile. that pries open my mouth and vices my willpower to the door of embarrasment. and it takes over my thought train, and its on full speed ahead and then i read it and you want to know if you can have your keys back. and im numb but im scrambling. im not scrambling this marriage no, monster in my head is scrambling. trying to eek out some subtext trying to return to its cosy hole in my heart. trying to fill my veins with false hope.

but its been a long time. and its weaker now than back then. its had months with out mention months without any stimulation so its slow to react. its vice is loose and my will power is herculean now. and i reply but cold. im cool. i dont bat an eyelid, though if i did you'd swoon and i still wouldnt care. im your worst nighmare now. im over you. and i can power through this bullshit thing living inside of my skin. its claws are blunt and his game predictable. monster... marriage... baggage... i dont care call it what you will, cos its my will that matters now and its full of excited power to start a new me with not a wasted hour.