Im cold. My shoulders are cold and my face is cold. my belly is full, too full. stuffed. My thoughts are wild and torn. one is accepting; The decisions are made, the path we took, accepting the new routine of being there for myself. motiviation and learning. the other is denying; I want so badly that which is out of reach, I am denying reality, deny the parting, denying my grief and quick to ignore you memory. I think of the warmth we made, but it does not warm me now. I can feel love slowly leaving my body, It is replaced by a silence "so loud" I look to the future, but dont see it just yet. i want to be normal again. today i still dont know how. i am ok. --- I wrote that two weeks ago, already i feel better. its amazing how emotions can change and how they influence decisions and everything like that. i just feel so much better than then. im happier. im happy again. --- i have smoked some more in the last couple of weeks. A few times were eye opening, sometimes i would be completely numb and have this weight through the centre of my body. just dragging me down. i just sat down when that happenend, and my hands would go in and out of focus it was so weird and amazing to look at, they would be so vivid and then so fuzzy. i got paranoid sometimes, but the more i smoke the easier it is to ignore and just focus on the buzz. everything is hot and warm. and funny. it almost hurts not to smile, and the warmth comes out when you smile its great. food is delicious. and eating, chewing is a great sensation. the paranoia is the only bad thing, and the caughing i guess. its weird, little things like unexpected noises, or people you dont know just put doubts in your mind and you get fixated on them. i can get passed it by feeling some thing physical like putting the cold, back of my hand on my forehead or dancing. or talking my self around. im going to keep going untill i feel like im not learning anything or not getting any new sensations out of it, or until i finish my baggie haha.