motivation vs. interest?

heart vs head...

future vs past...

"the now" ?

im fucked.

am i?

march is gone.

april. may. june. JUNE. what happens in june? i stop living. what do i do.

where do i go?

i coulnd't lie to you...

why?

because i love you.

you can stay here i dont want it

i don't give a fuck about the spoils. did you ever love me?

yes.

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is it frustrating to have people interested in you? when you don't have the same feelings?

what do you mean?

every guy in this bar wants to talk to you, you dont want to talk to all of them, maybe you dont even want to talk to me.

i dont mind but i wish people would talk to my friends.

maybe no one wants to talk to them they way they want to talk to you?

i dont see why not, my friends are beautiful.

but you're the one

what do you mean

what, you dont know?

what do you mean

your smile gives you away. look at yourself, you're gorgeous. everyone here looks at you the same way, you know this. answer the question, is it frustrating?

i haven't learnt to take it in my stride yet. to have people wanting you all the time, isnt it cruel? isnt it cruel to just ignore someone. i dont know how to do it. i try. im talking to you.

yes you are. but i dont want to sleep with you.

dont say that.

its true, these guys just want you, do they want to know you? do they want to be tender with you?

shut up thats not how it is. i only smile at the boys i want to smile at. i smiled at you.

yeah you did but i dont want to sleep with you.

how would i know that... what does that have to do with it. stop talking about it.

what sex? you mean you cant talk about sex with a stranger? its the only thing i know we have in common.

ok ok well we have more in common than that.

like what?

well you get the same, i know it because im interested in you, and if im interested then others definitely are. all my friends said you are nice

yeah right... so what can we do about it?

its ok isnt it?

is it?

well you wouldnt be talking to me.

you wouldnt be talking to me.

well right, we dont have to try at this game like others do? is that it? people want to talk to us... later we just choose the best one?

but what about the people who are too good for us, who entertain us the way we entertain some people. do they exist?

yeah they have to, there's always someone better isnt there.

maybe. sometimes i think im too good for my girlfriend but she was the one who i wanted out of everyone. i wanted her the most. but now after all these years i think she wants me more. and i dont know.

thats different though. thats over time. the first meeting is now. like me and you. i didnt think you would talk to me.

really? shut up, you can get anyone

yeah but i guess... when im interested in someone then i become unsure?

because most of the time they're interested in you.. so they always play your game, you never have to play someone elses game.

yeah maybe! that could be it. its strange isnt it.

yeah. but is this hard... talking to me when you were nervous

no... i wasnt that nervous you started it to which was brave

well i felt nervous at first but now its not too bad is it. my dad says starting something is easy, but finishing it is the hardest part. but if you work hard things tend to work out well.

your dad says that... thats funny, what so you saying hello was easy but getting the right outcome is hard work? im too shy to talk first.

bull shit. you smiled which is as good as saying hi and it lets me know i can say hi. so i did.

i could've been smiling at something else.

you definitely smiled at me. what you didnt want to talk to me?

yeah i did.

right... i think this is different from a normal situation, you have to play my game for once rather me always playing your game if you know what i mean. but we're both in the same situation.

what so you're trying to impress me... im trying to impress you... wheras normally i dont need to impress anyone, they already fell for it?

exactly. is that how it is?

i dunno. maybe you have to impress me a little bit more than i have to impress you haha.

yeah and i did mention sex which is a bit of a faux pas. you might be a little bit better than me after all.

yeah

so where are you from?

the states.

ah. well then welcome to new zealand.

thanks!

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so im un motivated for uni. but i am interested in the stuff, but im not making enough progress to motivate myself. to get into the cycle of working hard and seeing the benefits. of chipping away at the mountains of work ahead. and being stoked on completion. i need to get it back. i got to. im so sick of letting myself down. and then not owning up to it to authority. im older than that. i should be on top of myself. i should be on this. five fucking years. fuck that, twenty two years. learning for 22 years and i still cant get it right everytime. thats a slow lesson huh.

i dont know how to flick the switch. i think im over it a little bit huh? i just want to go tramping for the rest of my life.

i can do that but i need to have a job to support the habit. to get b i need a! looks like maths. fuck.

and a has to be fullfilling others a will never get done.

one more rainy day