i can barely see my keyboard, well im touch typing i should be fine. huge yarns with hutch about continuing relationship. she said she loves me. and asked why she should keep wasting her time on my if i dont love her. she wants to be with someone who will be with her forever. i said i cant promise her that right now, i cant promise that. and that whats wrong with trying to love each other for a few more years? im happy, dont i make you happy? i do. but when i said i dont love you i flipped the switch and all the things that she doesnt like turn into massive negatives about me. she cried a lot. i cried. but it didnt make it better.
i wanted to keep trying thats why i told you i didnt love you. to let you know where im at. isnt that better than just blindly thinking im in love with you. i could feel her falling in love with me again. earlier. she said she doesnt feel like i love her. i guess you just know, you recognise. recognition is a strong part of it.
i think i recognise the last love i had for her, i dont recognise her now. i dont see her to be the one for me eternally. i like her now. right now. this month. this week. these days. isnt that enough? i get the feeling its not going to be. i dont know what to do.
end it now before we get to involved, end it now and stop wasting our time? keep going having whatever we are having. i asked her these questions and i didnt get an answer really. i thought we were still going to break up but it kind didnt happen now things are back to normal, but im still feeling slightly estranged. i dont want to be like that. i guess i need to bring it up again. maybe tomorrow night, sort out exactly whats going to happen?
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got to finish samples
got to write my proposal
got to write up the education review
got to go to work
want to climb
want to ride
want to get my health back. want to breathe easy.
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im back into a late sleeping pattern. dunno. staying up late thinking about nothing. watching nothing. drooping. thinking about reality. trying change my brain. i know it. i can feel there is a switch in there buried under a heap of baggage. im not sure what'll happen when i flip it. i want to do it. i think i should.
Mastodon. Tame Impala. jj. and for some strange reason, David Guetta. lol.