i... i don't know anymore. i feel like i'm going blind. and i feel so helpless. lately i've been feeling alot more down when i'm by myself. when i'm at school, i'm mostly happy, exuberant and full of life. when i get home i'm... lonely. i know i have people i can talk to, but i feel as if they'll be obligated to be all fake with me then. i've been getting snappy with nikki, i can't take her childishness, and i know she'll probably read this, but i don't care. leanna. i feel horrible. she feels hurt because i feel hurt. and i feel like she's pushing me away and she feels like i'm pushing her away. i guess... i don't want to be rejected. i kind of feel like i'm going to get pushed out of the picture anyway, so i should leave now and take the hurt now and not later. i s'pose... i'm not really pushing you away leanna, i'm pushing myself away from you. if that makes any sense. i guess people think i shrug things off, but the things people say to me stay with me alot of the time. just a sarcastic comment on my appearance or the way i act brings on a barrage of hurt. i guess... i act so happy and joyful because if i weren't acting like that people would think something was wrong and would think that i was mad at them and then get mad at me because they think i'm mad at them. i have few enough people wanting to be around me, i don't need anymore mad at me. i'm sorry, i really truly am, and all i can do is try. but we all have our faults. right now, i'm expiriencing mine.