I am so upset today. I hate being this way. Nothing is right in my life and I hate whining about it. But where else am I going to whine? Everytime I open my mouth to people who I think are my friends it's like I'm making the sound the adults on Peanuts make. Although it's only been a few days of it I can't go on like this much longer. I know that I'm just coming down from my emotional high. I'm trying to look at it logically. It's hard to paste a smile on my face. In two days I'm going to go stay with Jenn for a few days and then I'm going to Jhonna's and then to my Aunt Vera's and then to AC's. This whole summer is going to be filled with these fake, face shattering smiles. I don't know if I can do it. I wish I could just stay in bed and not have to face these people who think I'm the happiest person in the world. I can't bring myself to tell them that I'm more depressed than I've ever been. I know it's hard for some people to be around me because I remind them of my mom. I can't put my sadness on top of that. I think a big reason why I'm so upset lately is because I feel really responsible for my mom's death. I didn't make things easy on her. In fact, most of the time I made them intentionally hard. She always did the best she could for me. I hated her most of my life. And that's so horrible. I even forgot her birthday this year. And maybe if I'd been more caring she could have been at Jenn's wedding. How can I be happy living with this guilt? And it's not stupid guilt that I shouldn't have. It's real. My mom went into cardiac arrest. Stress was the main cause. I contributed that by the truck load.