Wish I Were Here... 2:54 AM I'm listening to an old Jewel CD I found today. Folksy stuff speaks to me now. It's weird how you go through phases musically. For most of last year I wanted to hear hard rock and anything on MTV2. Now I need something mellow and calm. I used to only listen to rap, before that hip hop (there is a difference), before that country reigned supreme (I'm not ashamed). Here's a little quote from "Little Sister" - Jewel: ...clothing is the closest to approximation to God and He only knows that drugs are all we know of love Every day we starve while we eat white bread and beer instead of a handshake or hug We spill the pills and sweep them under the rug... 3:33 AM I deleted the beginning of this entry because it was stupid and not worth anyone's time. A lot of the things I write aren't worth the time. I wish I lived in California or Las Vegas. Maybe I'll blaze out of here and head West. Get a job as a cocktail waitress. Buy a shitty car. Find the love of my life at a truck stop in Arizona. And finally find out what it means to be needed. It's completed silent now. No buzzing from the next room. No sliegh riding fuckers outside my window. Silent. I've been sitting at this desk for four hours. A lot of the time in this diary I talk about going back to how I used to be. I never say what that was. I used to be totally unable to function. Anxiety ruled my life. I never made a decision without spending forever thinking about how it could potentially ruin my life. Neverending illness. Constant feelings of being inadequate and stupid. Completely neurotic. From age 12 to 17 I was a mess. And it took me forever to get out of it. Anxiety is a disease. You feed off of it. You are completely crippled by it but at the same time it makes you heady, your chest feels full. While you want it to go away, you just want to have that feeling one more time. It's like all your emotions are raging at once and your just along for the ride. I know that I am all ready in the mist of this again. I know that I can't stop it. My mom helped me the last time. She's not here now. I have to get it in my head that riding emotions is not living.