I've realized i hate making new friends. im anti social and i say as little as possible I'm content sitting at home by myself on my computer, reading, writing and drawing im a loser like that. i guess i only hang out with meagan and andrea t. juli asked me to go to the buzz with her and some ppl. "some ppl" meaning ppl i don't know. and I don't know why I didn't just say NO. NO. NO. NO. its like forcing myself to talk to a bar of soap. i killed chris in my head. my 2 year obsession is now a wrinkly old man, in white tights, standing on stilts. bastard. i made him up in my head. I know i did, because the way I feel isn't matching up. i have a test tomorrow. its really late and I acted like i had nothing to do when i got home. I guess I was too stoked that i was home alone. I'm never left alone. My mom got some more of my prescription acne medicine. And I don't know why, but looking at it makes me feel like barfing...pill bulimia. i had a dream...let me call it betrayal. every dream comes true. i want to go to school tomorrow with a brown paper bag over my head, and BIC pencils hanging from my throat. who needs words....when its never what you feel. Nothing I have to say, ever comes out. Mel is unbelievably nice to me. And I wonder how someone could actually care about me. Out of everyone I've ever met...she's the only person I can never hate.