I just realized today that my life is falling to peices I have people hating me, threatning me, fighting with me. I have all the people In my life that I have lost and with only myself to turn to. Then I have the dad I dont know but is dieing and I regret not ever knowing him, and I want to let him know that I dont hate him before its too late, but i cant because my mom doesnt like me talking to him. All my life all I had was my brother to turn to. I could talk to him about anything, and I know he wouldnt criticize me, he would help. I could never talk to my mom about these things.. she would take it as a parent and give parental advice when thats not what i needed. She was there for me and all, but I could never turn to her. I always went to my brother. He was everything, and bodyguard, a friend, an advizer, a role model, someone i could look up to an relate with, someone I could goof off with and have fun with. He was always there. and now hes gone defending those who protect america. Hes not even in the same country as me anymore. Just knowing that the last phone call I got from him, and the last time I saw him could be the last because he is in a profession where everyday is a day that he could die in battle just eats me up inside. When my grandpa died, he was there for me, when our dad disapeared and i didnt understand, he was was there for me, when i needed help, he was there. I have always had just him.. my friends were there for me to but they just didnt knew me as well then, and my mom was always busy and sometimes never realized how something little to her may be big for me because she is too busy looking at my problems as an adult, she needs to realize that I am not grown up yet. so sometimes shes no help. but my brother taught me well, and now I have to remember what he used to say to me since he cant be here to say it again. so now all i have to turn to is me. No one else. I just realized that my life is getting worse as time goes on when my friend told me I dont smile anymore. which is true.. i used to pretend i was happy because I had to act strong for me and not let anyone in, and not let anyone know I was hurting because I had to be there for everyone else, i couldnt be there for me, and now thats all i have.. is just me. Things have just gotten so bad for me I cant even pretend to be happy anymore. i am not happy at pulaski -and my mom doesnt realize how bad things have gotten there for me. I try to tell her but she is always on the computer, or watching tv, or talking to ron. No time to listen to me. When I try to tell her she tells me to go away because she is busy doing something. This is why i always went to my brother. He was never too busy to help, and if he was he multi-tasked lol. She just doesnt know about how much worse things with those girls have gotten, and she doesnt even know I have a boyfriend even though i tried to tell her.. but like I said she dont listen and when she doesnt tell me to go away, shes pretending to listen. Shes a great mom, dont get me wrong, but latley -ever since my brother left hint hint-she just doesnt have the time. So now every passing day gets worse and worse, and all i have is me to turn to, and this diarie to get my thoughts out to all of the like 5 people that read it. I'll live..I just gotta keep up hope that I wont die in highschool lol. This is why I blast heavy metal music through my stereo everyday. It makes me feel better, and makes me forget about all the stressed in my life. I cant listen to pop music, all I hear them sing about is love.. i dont want to listen about love. There is yet something to be found that can relive me from the stresses and pain of life.