Uninspired seems to be the state of which i cannot shift myself. i'm listening to Slipknot. i so miss this. And before Metallica, and before that i was listening to Creed. Man. My child is so going to appreciate music. Kyle has alright music taste, so does Alex. Yay for people with decent influence. Baby is due 15th April. i'm hoping he's going to be early, but a healthy and happy baby is more than enough to pray for. Especially after what this little guy has had to overcome.No names yet. Not many i like, and funnily enough, the ones i do like aren't suitable. The past year, just when you thought i'd left and forgotten you:i left Melbourne. Glad i did. Should have travelled the world with Louisa, but didn't. Meh. Went back home and destroyed all of 20,000$ in a matter of weeks. Met up with Axl, just to see how he was doing. That turned into the one night stand that got me pregnant. Up until i'd seen him, i'd been told that he had confided in the abuse of needles, glue and wasteful people.He wasn't quite that bad, but ofcourse, i had to be a witness to it myslf.Have to pick gmal shit (KYle) up from school. i will be back to carry on my story.

"I am the thinker, the thinking, the thought. I am the seeker, the seeking, the sought. I am the dewdrop, the sunshine, the storm. I am the desert, the ocean, the sky. I am the Primeval Self in you and I." that was some cool shit. And so was every song, every lyric. Attached to your songs are our memories, always. The world has lost a hero.

i feel so damn inspired now. Like. Nothing, anything. it's unbelievable. so much to say, no right way of saying it and i feel overwhelmed. i wanna cry and sing and scream and dance and fight. A mad adrenalin rush. At times life is hard, but we all know things always get better. On my journey to Wellington, my journey home, i met an old friend i didn't remember existed. In fact, i have known him for the last 10years. i can't remember where we met, or even if we met, but he was familiar. He was the feel of the amazing relief, safety. The feel of wanting to kill and wanting to love and everything in between. Basically, the feel of good confusion. i didn't know his name. So a song came on, i'm not sure which one. A brother song. He said "change the song, my mate hung themself to this". i opened my STUPIDFUCKEN mouth and said, "who [name]?", to be a smartass. Because ofcourse noone knew this person, and if they did, then he'd been forgotten, just not by me. Then this guy goes "..he didn't hang himself". And i've known he never hung himself. Story went that he knocked some chick up. Dad of chick sent people out to kill him. He came over to cousin's (where i was that night). We asked what was wrong, as tears of frightening ran down his dark cheeks. i was worried- i hadn't seen him like this before. He was my tree, my stronger limb. He asked if uncle was home. Uncle was out getting us stuff. We said he'd be back soon, stay for a hot drink and have a spot or two. The knives are piping hot, ready for you. But he ran off. And the night stole him from us. We never saw him again. His young brother found him on the washing line the next morning. i never went to his funeral, or visited him since. It's stupid, i know. Between leaving us and dying, apparently, he got chased and ran into countdown, asking to call the PIGFUCKENSHITS. countdown kicked him out because he was "drunk and stoned". Bullshit. He hid in a bush and killed himself. (Apparently) BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.. This guy i met (mentioned way early, up there ^^), says he didn't hang himself. i said "don't fucken tell me that. you know what happened to him. don't fucken talk shit". And i ran off and cried. This guy ran after me. i didn't know him. as far as i knew, i'd never met him. but his face looked so familiar. He grabbed me and hugged me and i heard his voice choke out a sob or two. He told me "sis, we're too drunk. let's have a good night, i will tell you the truth when we are sober." Well, no sober truth came out. It was all drunktalk, and i was okay with it. This guy showed me a stab wound in his neck, from a screwdriver. He was there that night, he knew what happened. And he knew who did it. The guy who killed him just "disappeared". i will be home soon enough, and i will confront Stephen's grave. For the first time. --------------------------------------------------------------- On other notes, i have been applying for jobs. And i rekon i'll get one soon enough. i also want to study. i will love life as much as i can, because time goes too quickly. omg. i was thinking tooday about somethin funny. In particular, a blood soaked mattress from ages ago because i stupid fucken cut my stupid finger. Well. i didn't. r0bness did. but i'm not going into it. fuck. i was a litle slut. holy shit. honestly, i dunno what posessed me. now i'm the opposite. my god. i need to change back. fuck feelings, fuck meaning, just fuck instead. who even cares. i'm too young to deal with shit. drama, and emotion and anything. i should be doing what i've always done. act happy and go along, be strong, because inside i know, many feel this way. children. don't stop dancing. believe you can fly away. away. wow. big reminiscing.

Life is not what you make of it. People inflict an influence on you, force it, and you quite willingly take it. maybe it's the way you walk, the way i walk, or the way neither of us walk together anymore. or perhaps it's the way you talk, the way i talk, or the way we don't talk together. maybe it was a lie and is a lie and will always be a lie? or maybe it's another phase and i'm still worth hanging on to. maybe it's another phase and you're still worth hanging on to. who knows? god knows? who is god? what is god? where is god? everything is supposed to happen for a reason. to teach us lessons of some sort, at the world's expense. fate's greatest love is death, regardless. so who even cares anymore? hmmmm.. i have too many questions and noone who wants to answer them truthfully, without being vague. v

gay people amuse me. i hate gay people, they are so gay. i'm in a rather laxed out mood, and apparently will continue to be for the next few days. i am at Home. New Zealand, Levin, at my fathers to be of more precise. The last few days i have been in Auckland, visiting "the three musketeers", and some. The weekend entailled a Zombie Crawl, and a 21st birthday (that of Sam's, who was incredibly, credibly drunk). We went to the beatiful park, i'm not sure the name. One close to the hospital. Winter Gardens and gormet icecream. and goldfish. The Autumn trees remind me of a feel like freedom. A sunset variety of colour, pitched at every branch, on every tree. They hang there at some sort of comfortable righteousness called "plant". Anyway, back to focus. auckland. : we did stuff and cut down trees and waterblast shit and "jumper on!", "no jumper off".... "jumper on, it's cold". "No! jumpeeeeer ooofff!(tone of frustration)"= broken zipp. sorta. We walked and looked at magnificent houses and mini-once-were estates. It was of a spark of inspiration. A library, with bookcase and bookcase ladder. A cock tower. Oops i meant clock tower. lol. A gunsafe room. An undergroud secret lair. Wine chillers. Everything, really. i cannot wrtie here any longer. too much of everything needed and so not too much of focus or words. bed 0026nzst(!!!)

fallwithregret. this is the most ironic thing. stupid, stupid axl. i may one day shoot him

it's been a while. a while too long. i'm getting old, and this is getting tiring. there is no real escape from what you love or hate. it follows you everywhere, always. i had to move 3000 odd miles to figure that out. my plans for the future involve study, and lots of it, so i figured i better get what i've wanted to do out of the way- and quickly. this means in a few weeks time i resign, and go off roadtripping. sort of. anyway, that will be another story that comes at a different time. i'm looking forward to alex. it's going to be fun. life without the drama, doing whateverthefuck, whoeverthefuck and nothavingtogiveafuck. =D peace_out

it's the day after good friday, and i wanqt to go out tonight. but it wont happen. it never does. mum is finaly beginning to see what has (strangely) kept me here. the love for her. and she doesn't doubt that things hbave been had. fuck. now bshe even gets what was so hard for me to pin point my ongoing sadness to. the miss of phoenix organic carbonated drinks. the miss of native trees: kauri, ponga (silver ferns), matai, rimu, nikau, kowhai, ets. the miss of the riverflow, the constant sound of streams. and bloody good drinking water. the miss of maori language, and people and the food. i mikss yams. i can't be bothered finishing this off anymore. was slightly inspired, now can't give two fucks. maybe later?

The love between a mother and their child is intense. It is what keeps each other alive, breathing, caring, sensitive to touch, taste, smell, sight and sound. The biggest offer life hands out to you, and accepted with only the warmest, widest opened arms. It's funny. i didn't think i'd ever see a side of jess like this. She's so... responsible. she loves kotare so much, and there's no doubt about it. the strong bind is real, and barely comprehendable. since when the fuck did we (minus me) start having kids. and since when does life fuck up with them? ever? never. i could only wish to love something unconditionally, to feed something with every cent of my life. i dunno much, but i know what i saw, and it smacked me hard in the forehead. it was fucken weird. so i have felt "normal" for the first time in over a year. happy without drugs, axl, drama. i know what it was, what it is. everyone i love, and everyone that loves me, and all the effort we have put into each other's lives. even if all we are left of is the memory. it's these memories that keep us alive. "unexhaustable springtime", i was once told, by someone who descibed love. i want my life back.

'bout time i gave another fuckn entry, huh. another page of my life. written. teared off. and screwed up. thrown in the bin. today i started writing robness another letter. because the last didn't get to him (s'prise, s'prise). i did this graph, and i thought it was pretty damn accurate. it represented how fucked we were and how much further we've come. not me and him, though. Jess is coming to Melbourne on the 1st of April. Ironically, it's the same day as my liver biopsy, and even more ironically, a celebration of love and alcohol. Work is as work does. works. i have been occupied with going to the gym every night this week, so far (we are at tuesday), and will carry out with it. i'm not losing any weight because my liver's fucked. i think i've got a food enzyme disorder of somesort. anyho.. work. yeahnah, looking for another job. pref in nz, back home, where the heart is and always has been, and always will be. maybe getting some good money here though, so we will see what i manage. fucken angry with work atm. sore neck and back from gym. also need to organise a snowboarding trip or something. i dunno. but i need to plan and put structure into my life, anywhere because it's fucking with me. feel like seeing danielle as well. hm all for nowsa. xx me ----------------------------------------------------edit stupid fucken miele vacuum cleaner. god, i have not harassed anyone in too long. i cannot wait until jess gets here. it is approx 11.30pm, and i am sitting up in bed typing on my lappy. should be asleep, very very late. i just had to add that i beboed Carissa (axl's cousin), and mark and doc, and not jess or hayden or petifly like i probably should've. at the moment i have so many emotions and feelings running through me that i need to talk to someone. this isn't bad, nor is it good, but i just would like to talk. if i don't, i feel trapped and claustrophobic. i am excited jess is coming to see me soon! i am excited that the doctors are finally gonna know what's wrong with me after my biopsy! (whether good or bad) i am worried and have a bad gut feeling anytime i think about ex, which isn't too often, but not a rare enough ocassion. it's weird. i used to get it when we were together, and something was ALWAYS wrong. he was always letting me down, always having to fulfill bad habits and always doing things behind my back. not because i wouldn't approve, but because he wanted to feel like he was good at being someone he wasn't. and he passed with flying colours, i tell you. lies are infectious and spread like a highly contagious disease. as did his fake affection for drugs, his wrong passion for "something more". his curiosity killed him. i am drained from work. i am dreading the gym tomorrow of which a 4k walk will follow. i am dreading looking for another job and even trying to comprehend my position along this rollercoaster of life. i am terrified of waking up every morning, and saying outloud "what the fuck am i doing in melboune? why the fuck am i here? how? what." i am feeling strange about meeting Kotare (Jess's baby) for the first time. it's so much to take in, all these people having kids. i'm just sorta in denial about it, really. wow. imagine if i woke up and all this was a dream. it would have to be the most fucked up dream ever dreamt. i mean seriously, though. a tiny slip in time, which i didn't manage to save, and now everyone has kids. too bad i can't have any, huh night

oh, how life does rollercoaster! the love, hates, the wants, needs, and dispear. hopes and dreams but nothing at all. kyle is going to the soundwave music festival, paid by ma. i have decided to go along with, to drink piss, and listen to free good enough music. tickets are 140$ausd. maybe $190nzd. here is the lineup: NINE INCH NAILS ALICE IN CHAINS BLOODHOUND GANG LAMB OF GOD DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN ALKALINE TRIO BILLY TALENT THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS FACE TO FACE, IN FLAMES RIVAL SCHOOLS ANBERLIN UNDEROATH THE SUBWAYS EVERY TIME I DIE DEVILDRIVER FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND LESS THAN JAKE POISON THE WELL MADINA LAKE NEW FOUND GLORY FROM FIRST TO LAST BEDOUIN SOUNDCLASH JACK’S MANNEQUIN HELLOGOODBYE FINCH GOLDFINGER SAY ANYTHING CHIODOS, SILVERSTEIN SAVES THE DAY LACUNA COIL TWO TONGUES 36 CRAZY FISTS STRAYLIGHT RUN EVERGREEN TERRACE MINUS THE BEAR MONEEN ACE ENDERS (THE EARLY NOVEMBER) I AM THE AVALANCHE JAGUAR LOVE UNEARTH BAYSIDE EMERY HOUSTON CALLS THE AUDITION ATTACK IN BLACK INNERPARTYSYSTEM MIKE HERRERA (MXPX ACOUSTIC) ALL THAT REMAINS VALENCIA ALESANA THE RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS HORSE THE BAND MAYLENE & THE SONS OF DISASTER not bad.. not exc excellent, but not bad. recently, i have bought a car. of $14000ausd. with insurance and all other bullshit costs, it must ecome to near $16000ausd. which makes it almost 21000$nzd. i think in nzd, it makes my life more interesting. anyway, i have done this for good reason. a) i can show everyone i am giving melbourne a decent go, trying to establish myself, even though it does make NO major difference. b) i will come out better off in terms of money. i see everything as an investment. i hate putting money towards anything that ultimately depreciates in value. c) i can get to and from work, and go to the gym, and go to rockclimbing, and go to bush for walks, whenever i want. thus making me fitter (I FUCKEN NEED IT!). so this is how the "investment" thing is working. i have put ausd$2,000 as deposit. mother has given me ausd$4,000 for deposit. mother has also paid for my annual insurance ausd$1700(which i will prolly give back to her). mother will buy extended warranty from car dealer when she is working, which means ausd$999 for an extra 3yrs. everyone likes buying a car with an extended manufacturers warranty. everyone likes buying a car at a good price. this car will get me from a to b, efficiently, while holding it's place in the market, at the bought value, for at least the next 12-18months. the car is a misti lancer, 2006. white. sexy. of course. oh. car also gives good credit rating for future reference. a trip to india is due sometime soonish. i would like maybe sometime around sep-oct. i love india. it holds everything in a human being, and shows life from those perceptions in a very blunt manner. there is an unoften found beauty about the place. you either love it, or hate it. i'm a lover. mum's a hater. kyle doesn't remember, and dad's a lover. property. well, yes, yes. buying, eh. i have been thinking about the coast of croatia. mainly because it's beautiful, cheap and all the land will be taken up in a near date. there were over 11thousand properties sold in croatia in january, regardless (so it seems) of the economy. cheap as chips. i even have people who will look after it for me. nz is a possibility. renting out, and living with dad, or living in it. so. by the end of this year, i will have paid off car, sold, have some money in pocket, spend towards deposit on house, while i save the whole time, and get skinny. argh. concert tomorrow. gah! almost too sore for it. hopefully is fun. i'm sure it will be.

yeahnah, can't be assed writing about the fires of victoria. took too many lives, too much australian "bush". am lying at the end of my bed, upsidedown, typing. it's interesting. have managed to save nz$5000 since start of jan. it makes me not want to take time off, and not want to spend. so many more options are open when there is money. plan is to build house. i have been weighing up the locations of where i can grab land. i have been researching different materials. how much i can afford, where ans so on, and so forth. ma went back home to finish work. she finished up on wednesday, and is planning on being here by sunday. i can hardly wait. it gives me a chance to manipulate the money situation. in a good way for the both of us. i've made the decision to stop treating myself by getting my nails done. to a degree (just like almost everything), it is an expensive habit. nz$20 every week. instead, i want them cut (because they are real), so that i can learn electric guitar and start rock climbing again. i used to be good enough at the sport, but got fat. and into drugs. i had a weird dream last night, but i don't want to type it. or write of it. anywhere. it would make me feel too upset. work is uneventful, and apparently, they want to cut down on people, so i was told today. i have been job searching back home, but can't really do much until i've got my $10000 sorted (late april/early may). ma seems fine with me coming back. i told her i made a decent go of it. i didn't really, because i didn't want to. i'm not ready for it. someday i will be back, to see her. i don't think she will spend the rest of her life here though. alex is meant to be calling (yeah fucken right). i've run out of money on international calling cards. nothing at all of interest to report. i feel so dull and i hurt. axl still wants me back. it aint gonna happen. i'm gonna show that boy how i can go from losing everything, to having anything i want within a year. legally. the goal is in reach. and i know i can do it. i just need to make sure this idea motivates me. hopefully he doesn't get killed before i can show off. my own house. pink car. booze. boys. everything, really. then later, maybe kids. but i'm SO over that. never, ever having kids. ever. gah. 'nother day, same shit really. peaceout. 18.48-19.02.09

danger isn't far it's not too close, but it's not far. more later, when i can be bothered explaining the series over a the last few days

Vaughan Almost 3years on, and i live day to day in denial. constantly, because i know the truth and the memory pains me too much to bare. this is why i am here today. Vaughan. Well, i was recently going through Hayley's page she's got on bebo. and it made me think: i really, really miss you. i miss your smile, i miss your company, i miss your humour. hayley and i were young, and stupid, and i think you woke us up to reality. not just hayley and i, but all of us. then we just sort of, fell apart and grew up without each other. death is funny like that, it either hlds people closer, or seperates people. words simply cannot describe you. they do not do you justice. i haven't visited your grave site yet. i'm too scared to. i have had friends pass, lots, but you seem to be "the straw that broke the camel's back", so to speak. Vaughan 6 feet under Finished. i have also been thinking about my life. i don't want to be here, because back is where home is. the memory, and with the memory, the knowledge and perseverence that i can carry on. here, i just carry on, there is nothing else to do. nooone. i am worlds apart, living a life that seems meaningless. back home i have family. i have my beautiful nephews, my niece, my god-children. i have jess and jess has me and we have the world. i know my boundaries. i know my laws. i know my exact centre of gravity. i have learnt a few things while being in australia. 1) you regret the things in life you were too afraid to try, more than the things you did wrong 2) you never know what you've got 'til it's gone 3) you have to do things that are right for you, by you and noone else 4) a whole bunch of other things i don't want to mention on here.

this aphorism not only embraces the whole of a man's being, but is so conprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his life. more shortly yeah, ahh.. jordan's dead: http://www.stuff.co.nz/4816473a11.html fucken cops. stupid. axl called yesterday. well, alex did, and (ironically) axl happened to be with him. he wants me back. not gonna happen. he not gonna keep me from my country though. sam hadda baby. finally. hm. i wonder what she named her daughter. chick from work is going to nz. in march. i'm thinking i might go with her. but money is much needed. money which is not yet in my grasp. feeling sadish. i never seem to finish entries. good entries i start to write. it sucks.. like, i don't have time. i have plenty of time. i feel sad. and i hae headache. i want to talk to someone, somewhere. im going to make alex call me tonight.

i remembered a time when i feared people, and the walking-talking bad news they were. alex has promised to call me tonight. it's strange to know that life goes on in the hutt without me. it's strange to know that axl gets on with his ife without me, and i do him. it's weird, and i don't really like it. i remember the time when we first met: it was guy fawkes, which meant lots of fireworks and promised stars. he hugged me, i hugged him, i sat on his knee, we kissed in the back of dale's car, and were inseperable since. then boarding school finished. i was happy. he got arrested and sent to jail. that was one of the worst moments of my life. i felt.. betrayed. and broken hearted. and like there was this deep hole i'd never be able to fix. like he'd just died. i fell pregnant. more crying. then he gets out of jail. beacause amazingly enough, matt madden survived. now i'm just rambling. brb diary

2009 will be the year of glitter, 13 year olds who dance like strippers, the year that crack whores turn to acid, rock and rollers pass out, cops beat people profusely. 2009 will be the year of concerts and mardigras and copious amounts of everything. i want a mohawk. so i was talking about my "new year's resolution" with someone. it was a short conversation, but later i found myself arguing schizophrenically. i will have money. and love. and various other things. i will be well on my way to getting my own house. more later fuckkit, can't really be bothered editing. laterer i will. here's some photos anyway. just because today (04.01.09), i went to the beach and i enjoyed it. -edit- time goes by so slowly. i'm saving really hard and not much is coming together properly. infact, nothing is coming together properly. i wanna go for a drive, and just drive into the night. but it's not well to do that here. it feels different. i miss home. not homesick. just. need. i want someplace where i can relax. it feels like such a long, tough ride. a rollercoaster nearing it's end. not enough time to learn, decisions noone really approved of. love noone really approved of. unjustified ignorance and blindness. just blindness. to everything. everyone. happier if i just didn't give a fuck. but i do. http://nz.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8&feature=channel_page i wish i could. you do't understand. i don't really, either. i just know that i should be in a place i appreciate and with people i appreciate and doing things i love to do. re-writing teenagehood. and some of childhood. meh. that was soooo off topic it's not funny. i took all these photos ocean beach greg and russ sitting on ocean beach my lone footprints in the sand bob's tits my pretty little blue tootsies in the sand

i feel so fucken sick. not like pale ill, but pretty close to it. not throwing up, just ahhhblahhh. and then next second i'll feel fine. like now. been to doc to get some more meds and blood test. to make sure my iron is okay, and my liver isn't fucked still (prolly is). can't get results because doc wants me to visit him. that means i have to pay him twice for fuckall. like, when did that shit start? (uhh.. when i didn't live here, duh!!) anyway, i figured out how to put photos up here. thought i'd give it a go. i think this is a nice photo. L-R: niggi (lol), mum, kyle (bro), me, someguy, sam, forgethisname, scott (scotboot), bob bobbles. so yeh, we went to rota vegas together. roadtrip hard. drove down sat night. i was all "let's go to rotorua" and he was all "mkay". ma drives up from wellington to meet us at rotavegas. r0bness got to ballas', and jack drove niggi and i back from supermarket. we met up wit him. got our shit. boys jumped in bmw and we jumped in truck. drove truck to mum's, swapped for the z, drove to scotboot and sam's, chucked stuff in their car (subaru?) and started our journey. roadtrip consisted of 20minutes stops half-hourly, so we didn't get to rotaz until 1am? on the way down i watched the cool moon and drank and squatted and almost got run over. thanks to r0bness. "chuck in into reverse". good thing sam loves me, huh. so i slapped him and stubbed my toe and karma rocks. blood went everywhere. on one of the stops the boys (bobbles and scotboot) went to the bathroom at shell. and we went to get maccas. covered our life story in 2minutes, ate maccas in the car at gas station while boys tried to get their arses back in car. we locked the doors. then scotboot got smart and we let them in. i was in the front. we sang and danced and i took the wheel (drunkly) while she got naked (not really) and we arrived in rotaz. fucken stupid. did like, 5million u-turnss trying to find where mum had booked us in. so finally (after an hour of driving up and down the same road with the beema following us) found it. ballas and them were booked across the road, ironically. r0bness and i stayed in motel room next to mum's. we were drunk. then i talked to her a bit, and he smoked, and i gave her my letter and a lil book. i went to our room, had a shower, he fell asleep, i fell asleep (we'd only had an hour or two sleep the previous day). next day agrodome and brunch and hour detour to blue lake (ref the picture above) where we picnic-ed. ballas took photo, i started drinking again. mum left and i became a slut and we drove back up to auck (just as many u-turns), crashed at ballas place. dreamt, woke up, sleeped, woke up, sleeped, woke up for good. woke boys up (ballas hates me). played xbox. tried to figure out a fucking way to get z out of fucking garage. got z out (THANKS NIGGI!!). went to mum's. boys came. took z to get rego but then had to buy lots of stuff. fuckkit. went to beach. started drinking. drove back from beach. i thought it wouldda been warmer than it was. stupid. i wanted to strip! oh well. went back to ballas and went to mum's to crash later on. woke up, couldn't sleep, fucked around and then left for airport at 5.20am. it was raining. did i forget anything?? entry doesn't pay it justice in the slightest. we know what happened and how we felt and stuff. enjoyed, that fo' sho'. anyway, more photos time. today, like, a couple of minutes ago: steve (cousin) carrying dog bailey. and yes, he is twice removed! my dogg b-bear. i call him beebee steve with bailey, me, peter and russell (little shit puts me off kids). christmas '08. watching pressies. just woken up and i was still in pjs. peter likes steve's shirt. haha. long entry today. so over typing now. v edit- 29.12.2008 this has got to be one of the most lonely, depressing moments in my life. well, not really, but pretty freakin close enough to. i have noone to spend new years with. and nowhere to go. and nothing that i know. i have alcohol, but no transport and no anything. what the fuck. like, since when did this happen. my first new years when i'm legally allowed to piss up, and i'm going to be stuck at home, sitting watching fucken fireworks on television. WHAT.THE.FUCK alex would shoot me if he found out. the last two new years, i have spent yelling at axl. well, no, last new years i did that. new years before that, he was on home detention and had to look after the kids. i went and got drunk with darcy, then got lost, talked to a cat who guided me to axl's. fucked and slept. i was pregnant. yeah. back to this year... WHAT THE FUCK. thissucks

i'm slowly trying to get grips with this plan. so over drama. so missing, but ohwell. tough luck for me. so hot. and beer cold= good. but too hot. million and one things going through my head. quantity surveying, just go for it. only thing keeping me here is job. over people. just suck. and always looking for a way to pin me to shit. i feel like boarding school re-lived but not really. just people managing to find something wrong with me always. instead of the positive. like, look where i am: no drugs, hardly any drink, no rock n roll, no sex. i could be more perfect, meet your standards. but i just don't want to. let me make my own decisions, i'm a big girl now. you've all done all you can to fuck me up, and making me perfect is gonna ruin my path to re-building myself. you need to let me do this on my own, when i want. originally, i was meant to be here for a month, to see how things go. to be a bit more specific: to get away from axl. take a look from the outside in. and i've done that, i'm not going back down that path. i don't like it. put it down to life experience, i'm sure we've all had our fair share,etc, etc. now i am on my own. free. to do what i want. decisions, decisions. you don't know until you try. and if you don't try, you'll regret it more than if you didn't try. example: i liked axl, yes. i loved him, yes. and part of me will always be with him. i would not change things, for better or worse. i'd live this out, just as i have, carrying on. making my grooves in society. why? i learnt a fuckload. what words cannot possibly decribe. how to love, and lose and change. how to have everything and then have nothing. where my boundaries are. why i can't cross them. where i can, and which ones. i learnt that i haven't done all. infact, i haven't done much, and now i am able to. he tied me down from life, and kept in his drugged scene. I'M NO LONGER THERE. LIVING THAT. so. now who's tying me back? the want of approval. someone to say "you've come a long way, and i love you. i'm impressed. you're not perfect, but you're sure as fuck getting there. ma wont say that. of couse not. i'm not allowed to be anything less than perfect. because i was raised perfect, and i was. IT WAS MY CHOICE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, IF THIS WAS FATE, THIS WAS THE WAY IT HAD TO HAPPEN. -edit 2123 yeahnah, i wanna get married. i will someday. it'll be mad weird. doctors tomorrow. hm?

Ma wont stop talking shit. She can guide me, yes. She can advise me and share her opinion, yes. But she cannot make my decisions, clearly they haven't been the perfect ones in the past. i can take on board what she has to say, and choose to apply it in my own way. The rest is up to fate and God. i need to be with supportive people who love me, and will not take me for granted. i need to be in a clean atmoosphere, learn to have fun minus drugs. and i need to be in a beautiful place that i can learn to appreciate. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. So here i am writing to not forget that i know how to do this. i do what i want. i do how i do it, my way. i would like to take this chance to thank everybody who has helped me through my "rough times". my abuse. my abstinance. my righteousness. my choices. my relationships. my drama. my life. everyone who has always told me that life gets better, to take one day at a time, everything step by step, slowly. go with the flow. ease into a pattern of life. i would like to thank those who have stuck with me, because without them i wouldn't be able to sit here typing. i would like to appreciate and show my gratitude toward my regrets, my fails, and everyone that let me fall. because i got up. i can't think realli well. tired. have only had a few hours sleep in the last 4 nights. that thanks goes to my dearest, always. i need to write an entry about it. called "absinthe makes the heart grow fonder". when i am properly consioious. out fer t'nihht. 'tis 2242, 16/12/2008 a mental note to self: get smart fast. get back on the same track you were on before axl. become yourself again. and be happy. i want to fuck you. and suck your cock. but. all in good time. so tired. so gonn sleep. night diary. 2249-16.12.08